Page 29 of Needing to Fall
“Youmightbe getting out,” the doctor corrected.
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. He wassonot helping right now. Wasn’t it his job to help people, not hinder them?
I ignored him. “I am. I’m doing better.” Was that a lie even though I had said I wouldn’t lie to her? Was I doing better?
Thoughts drifted to Lynx and his whole “finding my power and strength” business then to my mother and asking her why she hated me so much. It was becoming a bit irritating that he was right so damn much. I wanted those answers. I wanted to know why I had turned out the way I had. What actions had led to me being in a place like this? It was almost like I had gained a purpose in this life to find out why it was so shitty. Strange.
But I wasn’t quite ready to end it all anymore. Iwantedmy knowledge. Ineededmy strength, and Icravedmy power. Therefore, in a way, I was a small, tiny bit better. In turn, I hadn’t lied to her, and that felt good.
“You are?” she asked hesitantly.
I nodded. “You did what you had to do. I didn’t like it … Idon’tlike it, but—big but here, Andi—I get it. You doing this helped.”
Then she smiled, and when she did, it was like the sunshine filled the room.
And I embraced it.
I sat there, tuning out Lynx talking to the doctor about some football team.
After Andi’s visit the day before, I had spent the rest of the day in my room, thinking. The doctor and Nurse Hatchet had given me the breathing room I needed to process everything. It wasn’t pleasant.
Andi’s visit had been more difficult than I had ever expected. I was so tired of crying and letting the pain of everything crush me. Even though it was still there, I didn’t feel like I was sinking as badly as before. Yes, it sucked, but the dark void wasn’t encompassing me like normal. It was there—don’t get me wrong. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of it, yet the light … I could see a speck of it, and that minute bit seemed to calm me.
“Reign,” the doctor called, snapping me back to him and Lynx.
“Yeah.” My voice came out croaky, so I coughed a little to loosen it and repeated, “Yeah,” a little more strongly this time.
“Want to tell Lynx about yesterday?”
No, I didn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want to rehash it. I thought Andi and I had left it in as good of a spot as we could. Therefore, regurgitating it wasn’t on the top of my list. However, I wanted out, so I pushed through.
“There was a lot of crying and female bonding, nothing exciting.”
“Female bonding?” Lynx asked, his eyes lit with amusement. It was that small flicker that caused my lips to move.
“I hurt her, and you were right.” I waited for him to have some snappy comment or give me some sort of shit for it, but after long moments with nothing, I continued. “I can’t fault her for doing something that she thought in her soul she had to do.” I sat quietly, my stomach churning with some of the thoughts from yesterday. “I was a shit,” I said more quietly than the rest. “She packed all my belongings when I got evicted while I was in here then put everything in her spare room at her apartment.” I felt my lip tip up at what she had done for me. “She didn’t have to do that. She could have walked away and wiped her hands of me, but she didn’t.” I turned to Lynx. “She told me, when I get out, I’m coming to stay with her so she can watch me like a hawk.”
It was Lynx’s turn to tip his lips, and what gorgeous, bowed lips they were. I looked away, wanting to kick myself for the thought.
“See? You’ve got someone.”
I nodded because the jackass was right again.
I did. She gave a shit. She cared, and I couldn’t help this overwhelming urge to not let her down. I couldn’t give up on her, because she hadn’t given up on me for a moment.
“So what are you going to do when you get out?” he asked.
I blinked a few times at him, not knowing how to answer the question. I had been busy digging myself out and hadn’t really gone there yet. I hadn’t known there would be an “after here.” I had thought for so long I would end everything as soon as I stepped outside the doors, but now I couldn’t do that to Andi.
The pain in her face yesterday was too much. I knew that if I followed through with it, I would hurt to her to a point that she couldn’t bounce back like I had initially thought. How could I do that to her? I couldn’t. I needed to find a way to find me and pull myself together.
I didn’t want to say it out loud because I just knew Lynx would smirk or smile, but I had to.
“You’re right. I need to find out why I am the way I am. I need your help.” I let out a breath that came from the depths of my lugs. I felt like a balloon that had fizzed out, and as if on cue, Lynx’s grin almost extended into a smile, like he was happy.
The doctor spoke up. “While I like the path you’re on, Reign, I think you should tread with caution. Things you could find out about your childhood may send you back into the place you found yourself in before you came here. If that happens, I fear what choices you could make.”
I didn’t acknowledge the doctor’s words; instead, I instinctively looked at Lynx. “You think it’s a bad idea?” I would never know why I valued him over a professional. Then again, he’d been right so many times before, and my gut told me he wouldn’t steer me wrong.
