Page 26 of Bound by Affliction
10
Leah
Why won’the just leave? Laying with my eyes closed I pretend to be asleep and even out my breathing so it appears right. I’m not sure how long I’ve been home now. The seconds tick into minutes that tick into hours that tick into days, all blending together with no distinction. It’s weird how wounds can heal on the outside, but on the inside, everything is still so raw and cut open like everything happened just yesterday. Add all the memories and it’s a dangerousconcoction.
The flashes hit me all the time. When I walk to the refrigerator, when I lay in bed, when I move to the couch—hell, when I breathe. The pains from the knife slicing me still come out of nowhere and I feel as if my flesh is getting torn open onceagain.
The only consistent thing is Green. I want to feel elated that he’s here with me. I want to feel like my heart is leaping out of my chest. I want to feel the passion I felt in the kiss he gave me once upon a time, but now… now there will be none ofthat.
There will be no moreletters.
There will be no more phonecalls.
There will be no more meet-ups.
There will be no more rides on the back of hisbike.
There will be no more ofanything.
There’s nothing that I can give him any more, and he’s wasting his time here helping me when I won’t ever be able to return anything to him. He deserves so much more. And me, I’m not it. My body is defiled. My thoughts are corrupted. The dirt and grime on me will never go away—ever. No matter how many times I try to clean myself with soap and water, it doesn’t help because I still feeldisgusting.
All I want to do is curl into a ball and forget lifeexists.
“Made ya some eggs and toast. Come eat,” Green says from the kitchen where I’ve listened to him milling around for a while now—me, lost in my thoughts. When I don’t move quick enough for him, he comes over to the couch and reaches out his hand. I want more than anything to take it and have him wipe everything away, but I’m not stupid and know he can’t. There isn’t a single thing on this planet that can erase what has happened tome.
The fool I am, my hand reaches out to his and he leads me over to my small table then piles up food on two different plates. My stomach takes that moment to growl and if it weren’t for Green, I would have starved… to death. I pause at thatthought.
Death.
I prayed for it and thought the end was coming all those weeks ago. Prayed that the pain would go away and sleep would overtake me never to wake up again. Yet, here I am—but not here in the same breath. The trouble is I don’t know what to do right now, besideshide.
It’s a vicious reel that just won’t stop playing in my mind or on my body, and I don’t know what to do, but Green—he won’t leave. He needs to because he’s wasting his time with me. Even in my state, I know thatmuch.
“Your family must missyou.”
His fork stops midway into his mouth, penetrating eyes coming to me. “Yeah, they do, but that doesn’t mean I’mleavin’.”
Brushing a napkin over my lips, I push deeper, “Why? Why are you stayinghere?”
“Baby, because you needme.”
A fire resonates deep in my belly, spreading like shattered glass and splintering out in every direction.Need him.I never needed anyone, ever. Yes, I love Bristyl, but I never needed her. I wanted her around—there’s a huge difference. For him to say I need him, no—screwthat.
My lips want to move and tell him what I think. Tell him that I don’t need him that I’ll do just fine on my own. That he doesn’t need to stay and babysit me. I’m not his duty orresponsibility.
But as quick as the thoughts come, others intrude, pushing their way to the forefront wanting to be noticed—no, demanding to be the center of attention, punching the fire out to a softsmoke.
Instead of answering, I pick up my fork and begin to eat again without aword.
* * *
Aknock comesto the door pulling me away from staring at the television, even though I have no idea what we’ve been watching or how long I’ve been sitting in thisspot.
Green holds out his hand to stop me. “Oh no, don’t you get up. I’ll get it,” he jokes, and I can feel my lips tip up for the first time sinceithappened, but quickly I brush it away. It feels wrong to smile, but I don’t really know why. Everything seems wrong so I guess that’s the biggestproblem.
Watching his movements, my heart picks up as he opens the door. That fear just won’t go away even with him here, protecting me—it’s still there, burning below thesurface.
“Hey, brother,” Green says, slapping the back of Jacks as he comes into my place. It’s strange because even though I’ve only met him once, I don’t fear him like I did those other guys. No, instead, I breathe in and out deep, cleansing the fear out of my system, or at leastattempting.
