Page 61 of A Certain Step
“What does giving it a try look like?”
“However you want it to.”
“You could get impatient with me.”
He shook his head hard. “I’ll be as patient as you need.”
She sighed somberly, the sound so small, it broke him a little. “Everyone I’ve been with has said that.”
“Well, they’re all morons, and I’m selfishly grateful. I didn’t know I had jealousy in me until the thought of you being with someone else crossed my mind. I couldn’t share you with another man. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else being your person.”
The sentiment made her smile, the honeyed awe-struck wonder in her eyes making its gradual return. He wanted to ask about Alden and what he’d done specifically, knowing he was the worst of them and that whatever it was, it had messed with her the most.
He swallowed. “Will you tell me what Alden did? So, I know never to make that same mistake.”
She huffed. “You’d never.”
Ethan stayed silent for a beat, unsure of what to say, wondering if she’d continue. She sighed heavily and put her face in her hand like she was stabilizing herself. He waited patiently.
She arched back, taking the cup in her hand and drinking from her tea. She set it down and looked at him. “Both Jesse and Robert got tired of waiting, so they dumped me early on,” she started.
Well, fuck both Jesse and Robert, he thought.
“But it’d been five-ish months with Alden, and he would frequently say things like ‘I believe demisexuality is real, but maybe you should just try to, ‘break the dam and all.’” Those must have been his exact words because she emphasized them with air quotes.
“He said it so much that I started feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me. I was thirty-one at the time, and in my head about everything. I talked about it with my therapist often, and I kept feeling like his words just wouldn’t leave me alone—that maybe he was right. He also kept saying how it made no sense that I felt so comfortable using my body the way I did while performing but couldn’t do the same with men I was dating. As if it was the same thing.”
She shook her head, willing something out, he assumed.
“No one knows this but my therapist and Sahar.”
Ethan guided his hand to her cheek. “You’re safe with me, Willa. Whatever you say, I’m taking it to my grave. And if you can’t tell me right now, that’s okay, too. I want to know so I can understand how I can be good to you. But if it’s too much for you to say it out loud, then I get it. I’ll follow your lead and all your cues.”
“Thank you,” she said first. “I might as well just say it. Plus, I know you, and I know that even after I reassured you at Miles’ party, you probably played it over in your mind.”
He agreed. He had done that.
She continued. “I think, to some degree, I just wanted to have something so badly that I sort of convinced myself he could be the one because he’d stuck out longer than the rest. So, I started persuading myself that I owed it to him to see if he was right. And maybe even to myself—to just get it over with because it kept gnawing at me.”
Willa paused, taking another deep breath. “So, one day when we were hanging out, I let him touch me…And I hated every minute of it, tried my hardest not to cry, not because it hurt or anything but because I felt so disturbed by him touching me like that. I should’ve known before, really, because even kissing him wasn’t enjoyable. After a few seconds, I asked him to stop, and he was an asshole about it...”
She worried at her lower lip before continuing. “He pulled away, thankfully, but then he basically mocked me. His exact words were, ‘You need a good fuck, Willa. You need to grow up because you’re not gonna get over this shit if you don’t.’ And then he left. I broke up with him after that.”
Fuck.A lump housed itself sharply against his pipes. He tried to speak, but her name came out in a croak.
He tried again. “Willa, I’m so sorry.”He pulled her into his chest and held her there. He didn’t know what else to do. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated.
Willa straightened herself but stayed right beside him, mere millimeters away. “That’s just it, Ethan. It’s human to get tired of waiting and…”
He shook his head a bit too aggressively, but the thought alone ripped him from the inside. “Willa, stop,please.Yeah, men fucking suck sometimes. I’m not above it, and I’m not going to make myself sound like a saint when lord knows what’s crossed my mind when I’ve watched you dance. The things I’ve thought about and the ways I’ve wanted you. But beyond anything else—in spite of all my feelings and urges—you’re my best friendfirst. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did something to push you away. And I know that might not be easy for you to believe, but I’ll prove it. I’ll be as patient as you need. I’ll do whatever you want me to, but I can’t keep pretending I only see you as a friend.”
She nodded. “There’s something else.”
“What is it?”
“Your fans.”
“My fans?” he questioned. “What about them?”
