Page 63 of Losing Sleep
“Thanks for an epic trip. It was a great break.” I gave her one more squeeze, but she held on, preventing me from stepping back.
“I’m not going to lie and say I’m sorry for what I said earlier, because I’m not. But no matter what you decide, I’m still your friend and am here for you. Even if you’re making a huge mistake.” She whispered the words in my ear, before releasing me from the hug and stepping back.
I waved at everyone else in the group, giving Grey a tight smile as he stepped forward, a small paper bag in his hand, the kind tourist shops in West Yellowstone used to package purchases.
“I got you a little something. I didn’t realize you’d be leaving, so I guess it’s for the road.” He gave a shrug, looking the most uncertain I had seen him this entire trip. The echoes of pain from our conversation yesterday lingered in his eyes, and I wished I could make it disappear. But doing so would require me to take a risk I wasn’t sure I could survive.
“Thanks.” I took the package with some hesitation, slipping it into my backpack before depositing the bag in the backseat next to where I’d be sitting.
We stood there for a moment, neither of us knowing what to say or do. When I’d climbed into Grey’s fast-food-scented car, I’d had no idea the adventure that awaited me, and I hated to see it end. Yet, I knew this was how it had to be.
Grey reached for me, wrapping me in a quick tight hug. I instinctively returned the embrace, taking in his comforting warmth and familiar scent one more time. All too soon, Grey released me, stepping back without a word and heading into cabin.
I climbed into the car and waved at Tory, Trent, and Kylie, who stood on the cabin porch watching us leave. Brad put the car in reverse, and we were on our way. A tear stole silently down my cheek, and I batted it away. If I was making the right decision, why did it hurt so bad?
The drive passed quickly. Brad and Alex were the ideal travel companions, asking for my opinions on music and keeping up polite, if somewhat boring, conversation. There were no out-of-context quotes fromThe Lord of the Ringsor unexpected detours. I eventually closed my eyes, pretending to sleep in an effort to escape the perfectly normal car ride around me. After a few minutes, Alex and Brad began to talk quietly, trying not to wake me. Their deep voices still carried to the back seat.
“Do you regret it?” I heard one of the twins, probably Alex, ask from the front seat.
“Regret what?” The forced tone hinted I was overhearing something I shouldn’t, but it wasn’t like I could leave the car.
“You know what. Going to Tory’s birthday, even knowing Trent would be there.”
“That dude’s all wrong for her.”
“You and I both know that, but Tory disagrees. Unless you tell her how you feel, you have no right being upset about the eventual outcome.”
“What if I lose her along the way? I don’t know if I can do life without Tory as a friend.” Clear frustration filled Brad’s voice.
“If Trent gets his way, you won’t have much choice in the matter.”
Their conversation trailed off, music replacing their words. It appeared I wasn’t the only one in the car with a broken heart connected to a fear of speaking up. I just hoped Brad was braver than I was.
Chapter Thirty-Two
We arrived home inthe early afternoon, and I all but collapsed on the couch for the rest of the evening, depositing my bags in my room and promising myself I’d unpack later. Instead, I formed a cocoon of blankets and Ruby-snuggles, remote and Pepsi in hand. My roommates looked at me with worried expressions they tried to hide, but I could hear their whispers of concern. I’d texted both Chloe and Mallory on the ride home, telling them I was coming home early, but I hadn’t shared any details. I’d also messaged work, letting them know I’d be coming back early after all. I knew if I didn’t head into the office, I’d spend the entire next day sitting in a useless pile of emotions on the couch. At least at work, I could channel my anxious energy into something productive.
The next morning came too early, anxiety waking me up for a quick yoga session before I went through the half-heartedeffort of getting ready. I slipped into my favorite pencil skirt and blouse combo, almost immediately hating the feel of the tight, restrictive professional clothing. I applied makeup and styled my hair, not bothering to curl it, electing to leave it straight and long down my back. Grey’s comments about my appearance rang in my mind, drowning out the voice of Lyle that I had listened to for far too long.
I took one last look in the mirror before grabbing my keys and heading out the door. Might as well get the first day back over with.
My mom called on my drive, and even though I told her I was fine, I could tell she didn’t believe me. Her responses were probing, searching for details I wasn’t willing to share.
I bit my lip as I turned into the parking lot, debating before asking her the question that was weighing on me. “Mom, how did you know Dave was the one? How did you know he was worth the risk when he first asked you out?”
“Honey, I didn’t know he was the one that first date. I almost didn’t accept a second date because he was so nerdy.” Affection filled her tone as she shared a part of her love story I’d never heard. “But everything in life comes with risk, and love is the biggest risk of all. One of these days, you’ll find the person worth risking your heart for. Until then, you just have to keep trying and hoping.”
We said our goodbyes as I parked Jovi near the back of the lot. The familiar industrial building where I had worked for the last several years felt simultaneously familiar and strange. It was still the same mix of glass and brick, the same scraggly bushes lining the walk to the front door. Yet, it felt different this time as I walked past the receptionist desk, up the stairs, and badged my way onto my floor.
I settled into my grey office chair, kicking off my high heels and depositing my purse in the cubicle drawer before turningon my computer. The familiar routine didn’t bring the sense of relief I’d anticipated. Instead, the boulder of dread in my stomach seemed to increase in size until I worried I’d need to slip out and do a quick yoga session in the breakroom. Anything to rid me of this tension. I wanted mountains and open skies and a bearded man who made me feel seen, not a cubicle that wasn’t even near a window.
“Late, I see.” Drew stood at the entrance to my cubicle, glowering at me through the gap in the grey panels that made up my workspace. He wore his usual polo shirt tucked into slacks, his hair gelled to perfection, no trace of stubble on his chin.
A glance at my phone showed I was three minutes late, hardly a noteworthy amount. Apparently, Drew hadn’t taken my hanging up on him well.
“I’ll have you know, the team had to work over the weekend without you here to pull your weight.” His voice was a nasal whine that set my teeth on edge.
“I was on vacation, Drew. It’s not like I skipped out on mandatory overtime to go golfing or something,” I said, remembering the many times I’d had to come in on a Saturday so Drew could do that very thing.
