Page 1 of Losing Sleep
Chapter One
I exhaled and allowedmy breath to guide me as I shifted from upward dog to downward dog, following the instructor on my laptop. I pedaled my feet, working through the tightness in my calves as I waited on my yoga mat for the next pose. I strained to hear what the instructor said with the volume as close to mute as I could get it and still hear.
I should be sleeping, but old habits, particularly those honed during childhood thanks to a flighty but loving mother with a tendency to favor adventure over making it to school on time, died hard.
It was 5:30 in the morning, and I had the day off. I didn’t need to be awake this early. I didn’t need to cram in a calming workout before spending hours on the phone with angry customers. But instead of allowing me the rare experience of sleeping in, my mind was running circles as I worried about theday ahead and the week-long trip to celebrate my friend Tory’s birthday. I was already packed, for the most part. I only needed to toss my shower items into my duffle bag, and I would be ready to go. My roommates had agreed to watch my dog, Ruby. My mom knew where I would be and could call if she needed me. There wasn’t any reason for the nervous energy coursing through my veins. And yet, here I was in leggings and a tank top, sweat beading my forehead, doing yoga in my bedroom because I couldn’t get my brain to turn off.
“Step your right foot forward into a high lunge and raise up to warrior one.”
Focus, Audrey.
If I could stay present on my mat, maybe I could stop worrying about my upcoming drive with one of Tory’s friends, a man I’d only met in passing. Not to mention other fear-inducing thoughts like flat tires, my mom having another accident, animals darting in front of our car, and being too late to celebrate Tory’s birthday tonight, in addition to worries I refused to think through enough to label. After all, if I didn’t worry about it and try to account for it, who would?
The slight jingling of dog tags was the only warning before a small, furry body decided to join me on the mat. Ruby pressed against my right ankle, looking up at me with interest in her dark chocolate eyes.
“I’ll walk you after this video is done,” I promised, shooing her away with a wave of my hand. My little brown dog didn’t budge.
Ignoring her, I moved to warrior two, opening my arms and staring over my right shoulder. Ruby took this as her cue to settle in, lying on top of my foot.
The next pose had me shifting forward, twisting so my left hand rested on the mat next to my right foot, my right arm extended. I gently nudged Ruby away. She in turn dug at my hand to get me to wrestle, her wriggling body hitting against me.As a shih tzu-mix, she wasn’t large, but she could still throw off my balance.
I tightened my abs and grounded down through my feet to keep from falling.
“Stop, Ruby! We’ll play in a minute,” I whispered, humor and exasperation lacing my tone. Ruby just blinked at me before sitting back on my foot.
I continued through the yoga flow with mixed success. While this wasn’t my most relaxing yoga practice, Ruby served as an excellent distraction from the anxieties circling through my mind until it came time for the balance poses.
With the help of a local yoga instructor, I had been working on my headstands for months and was close to finally being able to balance. As I tightened my core and kicked up my legs, Ruby knocked into me, nudging at my hands. The jostle was enough to send me crashing down with a loud thud. I groaned and rolled over onto my back in defeat. Seeing my collapse as victory, Ruby licked my face, her tail thumping with excitement as I stared up at the ceiling and light blue walls.
“Knock it off,” I said with a laugh, tucking loose tendrils of brown hair back behind my ears. It was impossible to stay mad at my exuberant dog.
“Audrey, you okay?” a quiet voice called through my bedroom door.
“I’m fine,” I said with a wince. My collapse had been loud enough to wake my roommates. “Still getting the hang of headstands.”
My door cracked open to reveal Chloe on the other side, her pixie cut sticking up in random spikes around her head, her face creased with sleep lines from her pillow.
“Why are you doing headstands at”—she glanced at her phone—“5:50 in the morning?”
“Because I wanted to start my day with a new perspective?” My voice pitched high at the end, doing little to disguise my worry. Already, my list of concerns was returning, filling my head. My fingers itched to jot everything down, make a checklist, take some form of action.
She rolled her eyes. “And you couldn’t wait to gain this new perspective until later in the day because…?”
I sighed. “Because I’m too anxious to sleep and thought yoga would calm me down. Unfortunately, this one,”—I gestured at Ruby, who was now lying innocently in a ball on my yoga mat—“decided it was playtime.”
Chloe stepped into my room and settled on the floor next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
“I wondered when it would hit.”
“I’m going on vacation. I’m not supposed to be anxious. I’m supposed to be relaxed and excited and—”
“I don’t think ‘supposed to’ applies here.” Mallory, my other roommate and landlady, stepped into my bedroom with a yawn, sitting on my other side. “Last time I checked, there’s no ‘supposed to’ guide for going on vacation the day your ex-boyfriend marries your ex-best friend.”
And there it was. The reality I was attempting to ignore.
“It shouldn’t affect me. I’m not invited to the wedding. I haven’t seen either of them in over a year.” I actively avoided both Lyle and Emily even on social media, but that was beside the point. My stomach still tightened every time I thought of them and the happy life they were building together.
“They betrayed you and are getting married. That’s got to hurt,” Mallory said, brushing her blonde hair out of her face and watching my reaction carefully.
