Page 62 of His Gift
"Fuck, Harper." I cup her cheek, trying to capture her eyes, but she doesn't want to look at me. "What's wrong? You know I won't go anywhere. In fact, you've actively tried to get rid of me since I kidnapped you without success."
Harper throws an arm over her face and sighs. "I don't know! It's like my thoughts are fighting inside my head. It's been like that since I remembered about my uncle. It got worse after that car ran me over and I left you, and now… I can't stop seeing the medics taking you away. So pale. Bleeding. And still protesting and trying to boss everyone around. And I did nothing. I… just told you I loved you and yet I couldn't do anything to prove it. While you almost died because you wanted to protect me. Next life, avoid coffee shops. Friendly advice."
I snort, and she lifts her arm and finally looks at me. "Was it true? That you love me? I'm not saying I don't believe you, and we'll come back to the showing me nonsense in a second, but it was… I mean, if you said it because I was injured, I'd totally understand."
"It is true. One of the few things I'm sure about right now."
"Which are the other things?"
"That I want to be independent. That I don't want to put anyone else at risk ever again. And that Irene probably screwed up but still I'd give anything to have her back."
"Why?"
"We were friends. We talked about personal stuff too and she listened to me. I don't know what will happen now that this Levy is in charge. Just the way he talks… I don't think he'll care about anything I say."
Wow. A lot to unpack. And the very first time she's opened up like this with me.
"Okay, let's start by getting comfortable. Come here." I settle with my back to the headboard and open my legs to invite Harper in. And when she settles with her head on my chest, I bury my fingers in her hair, taking a big breath.
"About showing me you meant what you said. I thought you were horrified because you saw me killing someone. So, you saying you loved me… I don't need you to show me anything. I just want to know that you're happy with me. That now I make you happy. Do I? And I'll need more than a grunt."
Harper grunts again. "Yes. You know you do. You still are a possessive, overbearing, obsessive—"
"Halt there. I liked the start better. Now, about the Feds. Yes, Levy can bore me to sleep faster than a punch to the jaw, but he knows what he's doing. And it doesn't matter. We'll listen to what they say, but I'm not leaving the ball in their court. If what they propose doesn't convince you, we'll find another way. They had their shot and botched it, badly. Now we'll weigh our options, okay?"
Harper nods. I hope she believes me. "And about your thoughts fighting in your head…" I'll throw the bait. Once. If she sticks to her story, I won't push. I've learned my lesson. She'd probably have been better never remembering what happened with her uncle. Or at least doing so in due time. "Didn't your therapist help?"
"I didn't tell her. I told her about the car and my mom. Some of the things she said about my mom were useful in piecing together my triggers. But I don't… I told you. It didn't change a thing. I don't even know… How would it help? I mean, I worked on controlling my panic attacks, on not being so affected by my mother criticism. Those are the things that count right? Not something that happened twenty years ago. Right?"
"I don't think so, Harper. But I don't know. I believe you should try. And you should tell her about me too. What I did… it must have had consequences." Fuck.
"It did. But… I don't think about it anymore. And not because I've removed it like I did with my uncle. You're not even the same person. No, I won't talk about you. Maybe you're right about my uncle. I'm not ready yet, though."
"I may not be able to help, but you can talk to me about everything, you know?"
Another nod, but this time she rises a little higher, her arms around my neck, and we both watch in silence as the sun rises. I don't know if our chat had any positive effect, but she chose to talk. And she told me about hertherapist. Fuck. I want to do more, but this time, I have no clue what to do. I can't physically remove an obstacle, or buy something that will solve the problem. I can only be here, with her, and it makes me feel utterly helpless.
forty-nine
Harper
Imust have gone back to sleep in Conrad's arms, because when I wake up, the sun is high. Conrad is still, his breathing regular. Maybe he went to sleep too. I think what I said shook him. I hope he believes that what he did has no effect on me now. I told the truth. Everything's different, and while I'll never be happy about how we started, or able to tell anyone, it doesn't matteranymore.
I'm happy he made me talk. Nothing has really changed, but in a way, it has. I'm starting to believe that I can rely on him without that coming back tobite me in the ass. It would be perfect if we could exist in a bubble, like last night. No one around, no threats, nothing. But Conrad's right. It's not who I am, who I was. I'll have to find myself again.
The image of the bodies flashes in front of me, and I flinch, hugging Conrad tighter.
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
I lean on my side and look at him. "Yes, thank you. You didn't though." It's pretty obvious by the shadows under his eyes.
"I was too busy watching you."
"And you didn't want to dream again." Conrad grimaces and I give him a kiss.
"I love you."
"I love you, too, sweet girl." Just this, and our eyes lost in each other. Yes. Everything's changed, and I'm happy he found me. I still don't believe there's just one person perfect for him, but we fit and match in a way that works for us. In a way that fills my heart. That makes the future enticing just because I know he'll be there.
