Page 60 of His Gift
It's progress. We sit at the countertop and eat our meal together, the silence comfortable and not ominous for once.
"Can I call a doctor to check on your hip?"
"No. I know it's healed. I've dealt with the constant pain for so long… I know what I'm talking about. But I'll keep doing the exercises to build up my muscles. I won't waste the gift I've been given."
"Okay." The word feels tight in my throat. My instinct is to call the doctor, to be sure, to take charge.I swallow it down. "You know your body. If you need help with the exercises, let me know." Again, it costs me saying those words. But with every bit of approval and freedom I give Harper, the shadows seem to lift from her face, her features softening.
She still goes straight to the bedroom after lunch. And we spend the entire afternoon there without a word between us, the silence punctuated only by the soft rustle of the sheets as she shifts positions on the bed. But she makes another shake for me at dinner, and cooks chicken and green beans for herself.
One small step at a time. For her and for me. She's not the only one who has to heal, apparently.
"Conrad. Are you okay?"
No. I'm covered in slimy, cold sweat, my breath short and disjointed. "We watched too much TV. I'm not used to it."
I've never lied to her like this, but I can't talk about it.About the NCO's voice still ringing in my ears, the bullets flying, the bodies dropping, my insides being ridden to shreds.I want to run. I want to get up and not look back.
"I need a bath."
"Let me draw it for you."
Harper is out of the bed and headed to the bathroom before I can protest, and for a second, just a second, I consider slipping out the front door and disappearing. Hiding far away from her, seeking refuge from the overwhelming emotions she stirs within me. I don't. I can't be without her. I don't want to, even if the cost is enduring such terrifying nightmares. So I breathe deeply, gather myself, and join her.
"Thank you, Harper. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"I've spent the entire day sleeping. In you go. It's ready. Do you need help with your clothes?" I don't, but I nod because I believe her hands on me will help. And they do. She sends me on a dizzying spin, yet somehow, she leaves me feeling grounded and centered. "Are you sure it won't mess with the stitches?"
"I think it won't. I'll worry about it later. They can patch me up again." I don't really care. Getting rid of my pants and boxers, I lower myself into the scalding water, sighing in relief as my tense muscles begin to relax, even though I wince at the intense heat against my wounds.
"Go back to sleep, sweet girl. I'll join you soon." I want Harper with me—I always want Harper with me—but I don't want her to see me so unbalanced. Letting her prepare my meals was hard enough, but reliving the attack on our convoy has messed me more than I could've ever thought.
It was scary. Messy. But once the wounds were healed, and I made peace with my new reality, it was easy to shake it off as one of the facts of life. Not tonight. Tonight, dreaming of it has made me feel… well, what I guess I should have felt from the start. I could have done without it. I still feel the urge to run away. Hopefully, a moment by myself will center me again. Even though the last thing I want is to see her go.
forty-seven
Harper
"If you don't mind, I'll join you."
Conrad is ready to flee. If from here or his own skin, I can't say, but I won't let it happen. He's been here for me in a way I would have never imagined. He has relinquished control, and maybe that's what made him wake up as if he was followed by a pack of hounds. I'm going to give control back to him. To share it with him. Something has changed betweenus and I like it. In truth, it's what's keeping me from shattering into a thousand pieces.
His eyes run up and down my body, hungry now. That's good. No more haunted is good. I don't wait for his approval, just shed my clothes slowly, unhurriedly, letting him watch and relishing it. He likes me. He likes my body. I've come to accept that. To believe it. Seeing the man I'm falling for kill for me did wonders for believing he appreciates everything, even what I see as a flaw.
When I'm completely naked, I step inside the tub, sitting between his toned thighs, my back on his chest, my head nestled justbelowhischin.
"This is perfect, my gift. You're perfect." His arms wrap around my waist and we both relax, slipping deeper into the water, until it's lapping at my neck. Last time he said something similar, I lashed out. I don't feel the urge to do it now. I'm peaceful as I've not been for days. I'm not sure the same goes for Conrad.
"If you want to talk about what upset you, I'm here. And if you want to go, you know you can. I don't want to make you unhappy." He can go, of course. But he needs to know I'll be fine if he does. I don't want to keep him trapped because I'm a mess…
"Harper… you can't make me unhappy. Well, if you leave me again, you will. Or if you don't take care of yourself. Other than that… Yes, I had… I have this urge to run. But not from you, sweet girl. It's… I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk about it, but I want to be with you. That hasn't changed. It will never change. You're mine and I'm yours for as long as you want me."
Hell. Self-doubt smashed after rearing its ugly head once again.
"Could you help me clean up?" I turn around and find an innocent-looking Conrad. As if I don't know what he's been doing all day. He sees me falling to pieces and asks for help. And helping him makes me feel better.
"Are you sure your stitches will hold up?"
"They will. I'll let a doctor check tomorrow if it makes you more comfortable."
