Page 30 of Colt
“Why?”
He looks at me. “Because. Because I can’t imagine being like this for the rest of my life.”
“What does that mean?” I’m so sad that he feels this way. But there’s something about this that makes him feel so desperately helpless and not himself. It’s understandable, I guess. But there’s no way to know the future. There’s no way to know how he’s going to be after this.
I know he doesn’t necessarily believe that it’s a certainty he’ll be okay, but I do worry that it’s the only outcome he can accept.
“There are a lot of people in this world who have struggles, Colt. Who have physical differences and limitations. And you wouldn’t think that they weren’t worth something just because they couldn’t do absolutely everything.”
“Of course not. But that’s different. It’s not me. I want to be able to do the things I’ve always done.”
“You might not be able to.”
“That’s great, Allison. Who doesn’t want tough love with their coffee from someone who currently has two working legs?”
“Okay. You’re right. I don’t know what this is like. I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through. I care about you. I care about you, and I don’t like seeing you despairing. I don’t think it needs to be despair.”
“You don’t just tell me what my feelings ought to be.”
“Okay. That’s fair. But I just want you to know, what you can or can’t do doesn’t really change who you are. And I understand that it might feel like it does. But it doesn’t really. Not to me.”
“Then you don’t really know me.”
He was quick to apologize for last night, but the obvious truth is that his mood isn’t actually any better. And I should take a cue and leave him alone.
“I need to go to work.”
I take the rest of my coffee and dump it in the sink, and then I head out the front door without so much as a goodbye. I can walk to work. And I do, because I need the fresh air to clear my head. I stop at the coffee shop and get myself another drink, since I discarded mine at his place. And I was not ready to be finished.
Then I head toward the jewelry store and unlock everything before taking my position behind the counter. Sarah arrives not long after.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning,” Sarah says cheerfully. “How’s your patient?”
“He’s… You know. Him.”
“He seemed optimistic last night.”
“He’s lying,” I say. “He’s not optimistic. Not about that. There’s no reason to be.” I feel guilty as soon as those wordsexit my mouth. “His injuries are really severe,” I say. “It’s not as simple as just waiting for the bone graft to heal and getting back to normal.”
“Oh,” Sarah says.
“He just doesn’t want…” He hasn’t even said, but I have this idea that I know what he’s thinking. That I know what is making him behave the way he is.
“I think he doesn’t want anyone to see him differently. He’s so used to being Colt. You don’t really get it, because you have only been here a few months. But he’s… He’s the kind of guy who turns everything he touches into gold. He’s the kind of guy who smiles at something and gets it. He’s never met defeat, at least not as far as I’m aware. And this is about as close as he’s ever gotten. I don’t think he’s weathering it very well.”
“Well,” Sarah says, resting her elbows on the jewelry case. “I can understand that. In the sense that nothing ever went my way, but deep down, I always believed that I was going to muscle my way out of it. I always believed that I was going to be able to overcome. Because I had to believe it. Because if I didn’t believe it… Well, what’s the alternative? It’s just sort of sinking into despair, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. It’s different. You were born struggling, I think.” I feel guilty talking about him like this. “The first time I ever came up against something I couldn’t fight was my mom’s cancer. You can’t argue with diseases like that. They’re going to do what they do. There are no bootstraps you can pull yourself up by. It just is. And I know that Colt knows that. I know that he understands it. But I also think that he’s always been under the impression that for him things were different.”
“I see.” Sarah takes a deep breath, and then she straightens. “Are you okay?”
I wrinkle my nose. “Yeah. Of course.”
“There’s no, of course. In the last few weeks… You’ve been through a lot.”
“Oh, please. I’ve barely been through anything. Not in comparison to Colt or to the rest of my family.”
