Page 31 of Colt
“But you…”
I know she knows. We haven’t discussed it deeply, but she guessed it pretty quickly. Not that I was chill or subtle about it when she came to town and Colt seemed interested in her. Which was fine – in the sense that I’m used to Colt hooking up with women in my vicinity and I know my attraction to him will never amount to anything.
But I didn’t handle someone who was becoming a friend being interested in him all that well. Though, it turned out she wasn’t interested in him at all.
“It’s okay. I don’t judge you, you know. I really don’t. Dallas is my foster brother. It’s not even that different.”
“It’s pretty different,” I say. I clear my throat. “Anyway. I don’t havefeelingsfor him. Not beyond normal, regular feelings. I just…”
“You’re attracted to him.”
“Yes. Exactly. But what woman isn’t attracted to Colt? That doesn’t make me special. And anyway, I’m taking care of him because he’s family.” The words burn.
“Okay. I trust you. I just wanted to make sure that you were being checked in with. Because I know that everyone has been focused on him – with good reason. But I just wanted to make sure that someone was checking in on you.”
It’s really sweet of her. But also makes me feel remarkably uncomfortable. Not her fault. It’s the whole situation. That my feelings are really tangled up in strange ways where Colt is concerned.
That I don’t like being perceived, mainly because I want to hide from myself.
“I really appreciate it. I mean, it’s terrible,” I say, looking down at my hands. “It’s terrible to see him like this.”
Sarah puts her hand on my shoulder. “It’s terrible for me. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.
“Yeah. I mean, it’s hard. He’s… He’s always seemed unbreakable to me. Indestructible. He’s larger-than-life. He always has been.”
“I get it.”
“Right. You almost hooked up with him.”
Sarah laughs.
“I did not almost hook up with him. I had the thought that it might be nice if I could rally myself to do it, but having to rally yourself to sleep with somebody isn’t a great reason to do it.”
I think back on my previous relationships. About the void where Brady’s penis should be. How little I care about it. Now, and then.
“It’s fine,” I say.
“You’ve said that to me before,” says Sarah. “But it reallyshouldbe ecstatic. Not fine.”
I shrug, looking down at one of the rings in the case, the diamonds glittering up at me. Sparkle so brilliant and bright it could never be called just fine. “I think people are different, is all I’m saying.”
“I think some men don’t put a lot of effort into it. And I think chemistry plays a big role.” She smiles just slightly. “You know, when I met Dallas, we were kids. So it wasn’t all chemistry or anything back then. But I just… He was my person. From moment one. I just felt it. Like he was a missing part of me. Like he completed something inside me. I just really felt like we were something special from the beginning. I think sometimes you know.”
“I’m sure you do. Sometimes. I’m also sure that sometimes a teenage crush is just a teenage crush, and it goes away with time.”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
I don’t like the way she says that, which makes me feel like she doesn’t believe me at all. There’s no way in hell that I was meant to have feelings for Colt. For so many reasons.
“I hope he does get back to normal,” I say. “I really do. I hope that he heals completely, and he’s back in the rodeo.” I swallow, because that’s kind of a lie, even if I wanted to be true. “And I want him to be able to just go back and be him. And if he was going to be with me… He wouldn’t be able to have any of that. And if he decided to be with me because he couldn’t have any of that… No. I’m not anyone’s consolation prize.”
The words hurt. To think them, to say them. And it’s galling to even have to acknowledge my past crush, my present attraction to that degree. I’m not going to let it hurt me, though. I don’t need to let it hurt me.
The reality is, he’s attractive.
I saw him naked today, and my whole body about went up in flames, I can’t deny that. But also, I’m very clear on who he is and who I am, and what’s possible and what’s not. There’s the reality of just us, how I don’t think we would’ve ever been compatible in that way. He’s one of those popular people. The kind where things seem to go easy for him.
I’m not that person. My hair doesn’t fall perfectly into place. I’m not effortless in any capacity. Effortless people don’t date those who labor. That’s just a fact. Effortless people, like him, seek out other people who have a beam of light that perpetually shines down upon them from heaven.
