Page 47 of She Devil
‘He said you’d turn out to be the same as Cliff, that you’d do the same to me eventually given half the chance. “Like father, like son”, he said. I defended you. I argued that you wouldn’t, because you loved me, and then you proved him right by letting me down the way you did to get revenge for your damaged ego. I decided you weren’t the person I thought you were if you could really be that overtly cruel to me. So then I had to cut myself off from you and everything I felt for you because I couldn’t cope with the alternative. I had to shut down every emotion I had, except for anger. You made me feel too much. Which is why I was always so cold to you. I had to be like that, otherwise I would have fallen apart, and I really couldn’t afford to do that. I had too many people relying on me.’
He finally raises his head and turns to look at me, his eyes red-rimmed with held-back emotion.
‘I’m so embarrassed about the shitty way I behaved after we split up,’ he says in a shattered tone. ‘You broke my heart when you left me and I guess, in my stupid, fucking naivety, I thought you were just one more woman that I loved who was choosing something more precious to them than I was. For my mother it was alcohol, for you it was your career. But I was wrong on both counts. I know that now.’
He reaches out a hand and lays it gently over mine.
‘Even after all these years the pain of losing you has never gone away. I thought it would. I hoped it would. But it didn’t. And I hated you for making me feel like that. I’ve never been able to love anyone else, April, because of you.’
He draws in a ragged breath, on the edge of tears.
And my heart breaks.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for being such a selfish asshole.’ He squeezes my hand hard. ‘I miss you. I’ve missed you for ten fucking years, April. It’s driven me crazy, seeing you and knowing you didn’t feel the same.’
‘But I did feel the same. Ido,’ I say, putting my other hand over his.
‘You know I love you, right?’ he says, looking straight into my eyes now. ‘I’ve always loved you. I always will.’
‘I love you too,’ I say in a shaky voice, desperately trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. Now I’ve finally tapped into them, I don’t seem to be able to stop them from surging through me in waves every other damn minute.
‘I’m so fucking happy to hear that,’ he says with a great sigh of relief, putting a hand behind my head and pulling me towards him, kissing me so hard it’s as if our mouths are fused together. I feel him trembling in my arms and I realise just how hard it’s been for him to come here and risk his heart and his pride to tell me this.
A feeling of utter, blissful relief crashes over me and I pull him tighter, digging my fingers into his back, not wanting ever to let him go now we’re finally together again.
When reluctantly we break apart, I whisper, ‘I’ve been trying to make up for my mother’s bad behaviour and selfishness for too many years now. Perhaps to prove to my father, and myself, that I wasn’t like her. But it’s time I look after myself now. Make myself happy. And I think being with you is what I need to make that happen.’
‘I promise I’ll make you happy if you’ll let me. I swear to God I will,’ he says fiercely, pulling me against his chest and tightening his arms around me so that for the first time in a very long time I feel truly safe again.
After a few minutes, when I feel as if I’m finally in control of my emotions again, I draw away from him and look into his gorgeous, compassionate gaze.
‘You know, I found out recently that Maya’s been blaming herself for my mother’s death for all these years because she went up to that slope in the first place. I know I need to tell her that’s not true, but I haven’t been brave enough to tell her the truth in case she hates me for everything I’ve done and everything I’ve kept from her.’
He frowns. ‘April, you know that’s not fair, right? You have to tell her.’
‘I know, but this all came out just before my father’s accident, so I was distracted by that, and she’s been so happy recently since she got together with Benedict. I wanted her to have some time to enjoy that without the past impinging on it. I know she’s going to be furious with me for not telling her the whole story and I can’t stand the thought of being estranged from her. She might annoy the hell out of me but I still love her. If I’d known before now that she blamed herself for our mother’s death, I’d have put her straight a long time ago. The same with Juno. She’s in a good place right now and I don’t know how she’s going to respond to the fact that she might not be our father’s daughter.’
‘You need to tell her. Let her decide. She deserves to know the truth. She’ll thank you eventually, take it from me.’
‘I know that, logically. I know I’ve been a coward, avoiding all this, but I’ve genuinely only kept these secrets to protect the people I love. My mother left one hell of a mess when she died which I’ve been trying to manage ever since. Not that I’ve made a great job of it.’
‘You have to stop trying to control everything. It’s destructive,’ he says with a compassionate smile, running his hands over my hair and cupping my face.
‘I’m so afraid the truth might destroy our family completely, though.’ I take a shaky breath. ‘But you’re right. I need to be brave and face it. I’ll tell Maya and Juno everything. They’re not kids any more and they deserve the truth. No matter how much it might hurt them. Perhaps then we can all move on.’
‘I’ll do it with you,’ he says with utter conviction in his voice.
‘Really? You’d do that for me?’
He smiles and raises his eyebrows, then strokes his fingers against my cheek. ‘I’d do anything for you.’
And suddenly the hurricane in my mind goes quiet because I can tell from the naked sincerity in his face that he really means that.
I’m not alone any more. We’re going to face this together.
EPILOGUE
April
