Page 46 of She Devil
Striding out of the living room, I walk straight to the front door and out to the path leading down to the harbour.
My pulse thunders in my throat.
I might just make it. The boat wasn’t due to arrive till about now. She might still be here.
Hoping to God that my epiphany hasn’t come too late, I run towards the harbour, my heart in my mouth.
April
I see the yacht in the distance making its leisurely way towards the island, its stern bobbing gently up and down in the gentle waves.
The closer it gets, the lower my heart sinks.
Jamie hasn’t appeared and asked me to stay and talk as I’d hoped he would. It’s obvious he hates me now, even more than before, now that I’ve confirmed what a shallow, uncaring bitch I am. I never should have brought the conversation back to our deal about his father’s company but I’d been on the back foot, scrabbling for control, and putting on my business head was the only way I knew how to get through that painfully emotional scene. I’d well and truly reverted to type.
I stand up with a bone-deep sigh of despair, feeling my whole body aching from holding myself so stiffly for the last hour.
I’m about to start walking to the end of the jetty when I hear a sound behind me that sounds like a shout.
Blood thundering in my ears, I slowly turn to see Jamie running towards me, his legs working hard to cover the ground between us.
‘Don’t go,’ he pants as he reaches me, skidding to a halt a few feet from where I’m standing.
Bending at the waist, he props his hands on his knees, his chest rising and falling rapidly with his accelerated breathing.
I stare at the top of his head, my nerves thrumming, trying not to let myself get too excited at his appearance here. He just might have come to deal one last cruel blow to my pride then send me on my way again after all. I need to be prepared for that.
It only takes him a moment to get his breathing back under control and he unfolds his large body and takes a step towards me, holding out both hands to me, palms forward, as if he’s attempting to tame a wild beast.
‘What do you want, Jamie?’ I ask, my voice frosty and controlled. I’m not going to let him see how much I’m hurting. I have to protect myself from this. Just in case.
‘I’m sorry about the way I reacted,’ he says levelly. ‘I was so shocked and angry I couldn’t think straight and I took it out on you.’ He raises both hands higher in a gesture of apology. ‘That was wrong of me. It was a classic case of shooting the messenger.’
‘Your reaction was actually a blessing,’ I say stiffly, not wanting to trust him. This could all still be a ruse to get something more out of me. ‘It’s actually easier for me if we’re enemies. To know how much you despise me. So I can stay well away from you and give us the space we both need to put this fucked-up relationship down in a dignified, humane way.’
‘That’s not what I want, April.’
I stare at him, trying to convey the full extent of my scepticism. ‘Really? Because it seemed to be exactly what you wanted when you said that I mean nothing to you!’
‘I didn’t mean that,’ he says, exasperation roughening his voice. ‘It was a defensive reaction because I felt so fucking impotent back there, so irrelevant. I should have been given some power in that situation instead of being left hanging, wondering for the rest of time what the hell I’d done wrong when it wasn’t my failing at all. You should have told me, let me in on the secret, instead of leaving me out in the cold, feeling like a fucking failure, rejected and unwanted!’
‘Your father begged me not to tell you!’ I shout back at him in frustration, not caring about how crazed I must seem now. ‘He was terrified of losing you. He loved you too much to hurt you like that. He just wanted you to be happy, Jamie. You’d already lost your mother...he didn’t want you to lose him too. To be alone. He loved you more than anything in the world!’
He lets out a low, exasperated sigh, slumps down onto the low wall I’d been sitting on previously and puts his head in his hands. ‘I just wish I’d known about this when he was alive. Now I’ll always have this anger gnawing away at me. Ruining every memory I have of him.’
I sit down next to him, drawing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my hands around them.
‘I did it because I wanted you to be happy, Jamie,’ I say more calmly now. ‘At the time I thought it was better to have you hate me rather than him and have your entire world crash down around you as well. I’ve thought about telling you so many times, just to have a chance to connect with you again, but as the years have gone by and you’ve acted as if you have no respect for me whatsoever it’s got harder and harder to say anything to you.’
My voice breaks on the last word and to my horror I suddenly begin to sob, long-held-back tears streaming from my eyes. The utter bleakness of the situation overwhelms me.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought I was doing it for the best. I was so lost after it happened. Afraid. Alone. My father was a fucking mess and I was the only one left to look after my sisters. I had to be strong for everyone. I had to put them first.’
I’m aware of him still sitting there with his head bowed, but I can’t look directly at him. I’m afraid if I do I’ll never be able to stop crying.
‘You were right. My father did ask me to stop seeing you,’ I said once my sobs have subsided a little. ‘He couldn’t stand the thought of being linked to your family in any way. He told me I’d be betraying him and my sisters if I continued to see you. But I think what he actually meant was that he didn’t want anyone to know his beautiful, perfect wife had betrayed him. The humiliation would have killed him.’
I took a shaky breath.
