Page 47 of Puck My Stepbrother
Now he didn’t respond at all, like he could build a wall around his thoughts. Quinn might not have been a tough jock like me, but he guarded his true feelings just the same.
“I wasn’t kidding the other day,” I said.
He glanced at me like he couldn’t believe I’d raise the topic again.
“I know you weren’t.”
“Everything I told you was true.”
“I know.”
“How can you possibly know that? What if I was just bullshitting you?”
“You’ve done some terrible things, Levi Dunn, but you wouldn’t set yourself up to look like a cream puff unless what you were saying was actually true.”
Cream puff? That was good. He could’ve said “wuss” or “weenie” to far less effect. He had a point, I guess, and one I hadn’t thought of.
“I guess that means you believe that I’ve always had a thing for you?” I asked.
He offered a tiny shrug, almost like he didn’t care to answer one way or another. I waited for him to say something more. Given how long I’d waited for him, Quinn must’ve thought I was the most patient guy on earth.
Finally, he said, “I guess I had a hard time believing you liked guys all that much.”
“You mean, because I only liked a few guys other than you?”
“I guess so.”
“Just so you know, I didn’t like any of them nearly as much as I like you. I’m talking not even in the same galaxy.”
He paused.
“Okay,” he said, “but I had no idea you were gay. I would’ve thought?—”
“Gay? Who said anything about being gay?”
“But you just…well, what I mean is…”
Then Quinn groaned like he couldn’t win no matter what he said.
I’ll level with you: I didn’t know what to call myself. Gay was for people who use labels. Labels have never worked for me. All I knew was that I liked girls most of the time, guys some of the time, and Quinn Standish all of the time.
I didn’t need Quinn to understand my orientation, though. I only needed him to understand that I found him every bit as beautiful and magnificent as I’d said.
“You obviously want to talk about something,” he said. “Why don’t you tell me what it is?”
“I know it must seem weird to hear that I’ve been carrying a torch for you all this time.”
“You didn’t put it that way. You just said you hada thingfor me.”
“A really powerful thing, Quinn. I never meant to minimize it. It’s just weird telling you this for the first time.”
He quieted again.
“I used to think I liked other guys for their bodies,” I said, “and that was hard enough to deal with. I knew what I felt for you, but I filed that under a totally different category. With other guys, it was just physical. I would notice teammates in the locker room, and I liked what I saw.Lovedit, actually. But I felt deprived. I only caught quick glimpses here and there and had to be in the right place at the right time. I saw plenty of ass and cock, but that wasn’t enough—I wanted more.
“And then I got my hands on a copy ofPlaygirlmagazine. I hid it in my room. Guess my dad must’ve been snooping through my shit, because he found it under my mattress.”
“And then what?”
