Page 66 of The Now in Forever
As we move through the rest of our flow, I wonder how many other times I’ve fallen flat on my face because I was too concerned with muscling my way through the task at hand, too focused on where I could fall instead of looking out to what could be possible. The future. What do I want for my future? I want love—unending, all-encompassing love. I want to get married and start a family. I haven’t admitted that to myself since Chad left, but it’s true. Could I have that with Ed? I want one of my books to be published, to stop holding myself back and believe in my writing, in my book, in myself enough to actually give one of my novels to an agent. I’ve been so afraid of rejection and then of the reception once it is published. People tearing my books to shreds for likes on TikTok or one-star reviews on Goodreads. But what if someone loves it? What if it’s someone’s favorite book? I just need to finish it.
And if I’m being completely honest with myself, I want to open my own bookstore.
I don’t want to go back into the classroom.
Anh leads us into savasana. My arms splay out to either side. I grab Robin’s hand on one side and Anh’s on the other. We lie there for a few long deep breaths, holding hands, listening to the ocean waves, and my heart is full.
“Thank you, Anh,” I say as I roll up the mat.
“Of course. It’s been a minute since I led a class. I missed it.”
Robin puts a hand on her shoulder.
“We should have our book club meeting today,” Anh says. “I have to leave Sunday.”
“What?” I say. “But you just got here.”
Anh sighs. “I know. I have to go back to work. But I’ll come back again for a whole week at the end of August.”
“I have some things going today.” Robin smiles brightly and links arms with both of us. “Let’s have our meeting tomorrow.”
We all agree. I grab two cups of coffee and bring them to my room. Ed is sitting up, typing on his phone, still shirtless and still in bed. He puts his phone on the bedside table when I come in. I hand him the coffee, and he smiles. “Thanks.”
I wriggle off my sweaty clothes and get under the covers in my underwear.
“I think we should do it.”
He sets his mug on the bedside table. “You don’t have to ask me twice.”
He throws an arm around me and pulls me down farther on the bed. I laugh, holding my coffee up, so it won’t spill on the white comforter. “No! I mean—yes, but I was talking about the race. We should race with our drafts. I really believe in this book; I know it’s corny, but it feels like the book of my heart. I just need a deadline.”
Ed sits back up. “You could give yourself a deadline.”
“But a race would be more fun.”
“I can’t race.”
“Why not? Are you afraid I’ll win?” I tease.
Ed gets his mug, taking a sip of coffee. “I can’t race because I got another extension. My agent let me know this morning.”
“Extension?”I lean back against the pillows, my muscles suddenly feeling tired.
“Yeah I have too many other deadlines right now. I asked last week.”
“Last week?” What other deadlines does he have, I wonder, but feel like I’m already asking enough.
“Yeah she just emailed me back before the trip.”
“You didn’t tell me about it.”
Ed shrugs and stands stretching. “I know you were still busy working on yours. I didn’t want to distract you. It’s not important anyway.”
All his words make perfect sense, but I can’t help feeling left out. He grabs his phone in one hand and coffee in the other. “I’m going to hop into the shower.”
I try to smile, but the corners of my mouth refuse to obey.
“You alright?” Ed asks.
