Page 26 of Heartstrings & Horizons
Paige
It’s Cade’s birthday.
In all of our conversations over the past 2 months, how did I miss that detail? Everything between us happened so fast, I felt like I was on a roller coaster. After my pity party on Saturday, I needed a break from it all. Our last conversation was intense and I needed space to find adifferent perspective. The only perspective I found was one that absolutely terrified me. I was in way too deep with my sandy-haired Kentucky boy. Everything feels so out of my control right now and it’s damn near paralyzing.
After wishing Cade a happy birthday, which he may not even remember in the morning, I hang up and head out to the cemetery on the corner of our street for some solitude. Call it morbid, but at least nobody bothers me here.
Mags is having another house party and I’m not in the mood to be around people right now — at least not living ones. As soon as I enter, my body collapses onto the bench with silent, deep soul crushing sobs.
I don’t really know where all of this is coming from — all I know is there’s a deep sense of loneliness even when I’m surrounded by people. I pull out my phone and scroll through my text conversation with Cade. There are still 4 messages I didn’t answer.
Cade: Hey, Sunshine. Just wanted to see how you’re holding up.
Cade: Kyle is a jackass. Don’t let him get to you.
?? missed call from Cade
Cade: Give me his name and address. I’ll fly out there and bury him in the habitat for humanity igloo and nobody will ever find the body.
Cade: I miss you.
The last one is accompanied by a photo of a Kentucky sunrise, the last leaves of fall on the trees surrounding the lake as it reflects hues of pinks and oranges. It leaves me breathless and lonelier than ever. I long to see that view in person; to be there when the sun crests over the hill and time slows down for the briefest of moments. Sunrise has always meant new beginnings to me, so why does this one feel like an ending?
Paige, 16 years old
“Paige?” Dad’s voice snaps me out of my daze. I’ve been laying in bed with the covers pulled all the way to my chin for hours. I hit snooze on my alarm clock 6 times before I simply gave up and didn’t bother getting ready for school.
“Yeah, Dad?”
“Why aren’t you at school?” He asks, his tone is curt. He’s irritated with me again.
I shrug. “I wasn't feeling well.”
“I know that’s bullshit. What the hell is going on, Paige? You’re damn near failing some of your classes, and the school called to tell us you’ve been missing classes all week.”
“I’m tired, Dad. Can I go back to sleep please?”
With a gentle touch, he places his hand on my forehead, searching for a fever that we both know he won’t find there.I’m not sick; I haven’t been sick in months. I just can’t… anything. I don’t want to leave my bed anymore and I’ve long since run out of tears. I’m numb. Nothing is okay anymore. Mom and Dad don’t speak, so when they need to communicate, they do it through me, each of them using me to talk shit about the other. I don’t see Dad much. His girlfriend works at the bar a block away, and he spends all of his time with her when he’s not at work.
Mom asked me to move back in with her and my brother, but I can’t bring myself todo it. There’s this indescribable heaviness in my chest, and I can’t shake it. I don’t know what to do with it, so I don’t do anything. I’ve lost 10 lbs in the last few weeks — I’m sure mom will be thrilled when she sees me at the rink tomorrow.
“PAIGE!” Dad shouts. I must’ve zoned out. “Call your mother and tell her to come pick you up. I’m not doing this anymore. You can go back to living with her and she can figure out what’s going on with you.”
“No. Dad, please!”
“Sue and I are moving to Alberta next month. I was planning to tell you tonight anyway. Call your mom and I’ll bring up some boxes and help you pack.”
I watch his blurry outline retreat into the hallway, my eyes shining with unshed tears as his words reverberate in my ear.
I don’t even know if I can muster the will to carry on, so I guess it makes sense that I’m too much too much of a burden; too hard to love. I have been for a long time. My brother hasn’t spoken to me since I moved here the first time a year ago, and mom only talks to me when I have skating lessons or if she finds something about me offensive. I’ve shut my friends out, not sure what to say about where I’ve been. I just want to be allowed to not be okay for a little while. I feel so… alone. But not lonely, I’m too numb to be lonely.
I don’t remember falling asleep last night but the phone vibrating on my nightstand wakes me. I ignore it as I’ve been known to do lately. If it’s important, they’ll text me or leave a message. Everybody who cares enough to call me knows I hate talking on the phone anyway – though there’s been 1 exception as of late.
Time passes in a blur —did I eat today?
There’s a loud noise in the hallway and I hear a muffled voice outside my door when suddenly it cracks open and I see my best friend on the threshold, holding a phone to her ear.
“Hey babe. How are you feeling?” I haven’t seen Mags much this week. Between her classes and her other friends who aren’t me (pesky little extroverts and their big circles of friends), she’s been busy. The truth is, I haven’t really made much of an effort. It’s then that I’’m struck with the realization that I have been a shitty friend.
