Page 100 of The Dark Lord Awakens
[The Demon Destroyer 3000 is available in various sizes. However, based on your previous selection of ‘large’and this unit’s analysis of your apparent fantasies about certain tall household staff, Helpdesk Supreme stands by this recommendation.]
“Are you reading my mind now?!”
[Helpdesk Supreme does not possess mind-reading capabilities. This unit merely observes behavioral patterns, pupil dilation, and pheromone production when certain individuals are present. Would you prefer a more modest selection, despite your obvious preferences?]
“The large one,” I blurted before I could overthink it, my arousal apparently making decisions without consulting my self-preservation instinct. “The large one is fine. Can we please just complete this order before I die of embarrassment?”
[Excellent choice! The Demon Destroyer 3000 in large is our most popular size among demon nobility, particularly those with tall, dark butlers. Would you like to add the Sensation Enhancement Oil? Customers who purchased the Demon Destroyer 3000 also frequently purchase this complimentary product for a 73.4% increase in satisfaction metrics.]
“Sure, fine, whatever,” I muttered, just wanting to complete this mortifying transaction as quickly as possible. “Anything else I need?”
[Based on your selections and obvious inexperience, you qualify for our special Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit at a discounted price! This comprehensive collection includes the Demon Destroyer 3000, Sensation Enhancement Oil, Celestial Restraints, Pleasure Crystals, Shapeshifter’s Delight, Immortal’s Stamina Potion,The Submissive’s Handbook, and Void Pleasure Beads!]
“Wait, what? I don’t need all that!”
The scratching at the bathroom door had become more insistent, accompanied by what sounded like impatient huffing.
[Helpdesk Supreme’s analysis indicates a 97.8% probability that you will indeed require all items in this collection. This unit has never encountered a demonic physiology with your particular combination of inexperience and supernatural stamina.The Submissive’s Handbookalone will be essential reading for your… aspirations.]
“My what?! I don’t have?—”
[Order processing initiated. To confirm this purchase, please verbally acknowledge the following disclaimer: “I, Lord Lucien, confirm that I am using these items at my own risk and will not hold OpenSesame responsible for any pleasure-induced loss of consciousness, temporary dimensional rifts caused by particularly intense orgasms, or inadvertent summoning of minor pleasure entities.”]
“That can happen?!”
[Disclaimer acknowledgment required to complete purchase.]
“Fine! I, Lord Lucien, confirm that I’m using these at my own risk and—wait, did you say summoning entities?”
[Order confirmed! Your Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit will be delivered immediately. Helpdesk Supreme thanks you for your purchase and wishes you an educational evening. This unit will maintain discreet monitoring to ensure no interdimensional incidents occur during product use.]
“What? No! No monitoring!”
[Helpdesk Supreme assures valued customer that all monitoring is for safety purposes only and no recordings are maintained… unless specifically requested for the premium ‘Performance Review’ service.]
“Absolutely not! Go away now, please!”
[Helpdesk Supreme will respectfully withdraw active interface presence but reminds valued customer that the emergency assistance protocol can be activated by saying“Ultraexpialimagnificent Supremo” three times in rapid succession. Enjoy your evening of discovery, Lord Lucien.]
“Ultra-expia-what? There’s no way I could pronounce that in an emergency!”
[Helpdesk Supreme assures valued customer that the emergency phrase was selected specifically for its unlikely accidental activation. Alternative activation phrases include “Antidisestablishmentarianism Now” or “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Please.” Would you prefer one of these options instead?]
“How about something I can actually say? Like ‘customer service’ or ‘refund policy’?”
[Helpdesk Supreme cannot use common phrases as emergency protocols due to the high probability of accidental activation. Perhaps valued customer would prefer to select a unique safe word?]
“Fine. How about ‘pineapple pizza’?”
[Safe word rejected. Analysis indicates ‘pineapple pizza’ has a 27.3% chance of being mentioned during post-coital food cravings.]
“Seriously? Okay, how about ‘midterm exam’?”
[Safe word rejected. The phrase ‘midterm exam’ has been statistically proven to instantly eliminate arousal, which would defeat the purpose of your purchase.]
“That’s kind of the point of a safe word!”
[Helpdesk Supreme suggests ‘OpenSesame Corporate Quarterly Review’ as an appropriately unsexy yet memorable emergency phrase.]
