Page 101 of The Dark Lord Awakens
“That’s… actually perfect. No one would ever say that accidentally in the throes of passion.”
[Safe word confirmed. Emergency protocols will activate upon utterance of ‘OpenSesame Corporate Quarterly Review.’Helpdesk Supreme wishes valued customer a pleasurable and educational experience.]
“Just go away now, please.”
A shimmering portal appeared above my bed, and a discreet black box dropped onto the mattress beside me. The interface dimmed, leaving me alone with my purchase and my rapidly returning embarrassment.
At that moment, a patch of shadow in the corner of the room darkened and rippled, and Mr. Snuggles simply emerged from it like he was walking through a doorway. His purple eye gleamed with satisfaction at having bypassed my magical barrier through his shadow-walking ability, his tail swishing proudly behind him.
“How did you—” I began, then sighed. “Right. Shadow dragon. Magical barriers probably aren’t much of an obstacle for you, are they?”
Mr. Snuggles made a smug rumbling sound that clearly communicated his opinion of my amateur containment spell compared to his ancient shadow powers. He trotted into the room with an air of satisfaction, his purple eye immediately fixing on the black box that had appeared on my bed. He made a beeline for it, looking for all the world like he’d been waiting for this delivery as eagerly as I had.
“No! This is not for dragons!” I scolded, trying to push the box away from him. “What have I done?” I groaned, staring at the box like it might contain a live snake. But curiosity and persistent arousal won out over mortification. I opened the lid cautiously, as if expecting something to jump out and give me a lecture on responsible adult toy ownership.
Mr. Snuggles immediately stretched his neck to peer inside, making a soft rumbling sound that seemed almost approving.
“This is beyond inappropriate,” I told him, trying to shield the contents from his view. “I’ve never had a pet before, but I’m pretty sure this crosses some kind of owner-pet boundary.”
Inside was an assortment that made my eyes widen and my face heat up to approximately the temperature of the sun’s surface. On top was what appeared to be a welcome note on elegant parchment.
“Congratulations on your Intimate Pleasure Collection! Based on your purchase of the Demon Destroyer 3000, we’ve included our most popular Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit at a special first-time buyer’s discount!”
The “Demon Destroyer 3000” was immediately identifiable—a sizeable black silicone implement that made me question both my judgment and my anatomy. It was massive, curved in a way that suggested it knew exactly what it was doing even if I didn’t, with a slight iridescent sheen that caught the moonlight filtering through my window. It looked less like something you’d use for pleasure and more like something you’d use to threaten small countries.
“Holy shit,” I whispered, lifting it from the box. “This thing is practically a weapon. What was I thinking? I’m going to need a safe word just to look at it.”
Mr. Snuggles made a strange gurgling sound that seemed to combine shock, amusement, and what I could have sworn was approval. He crept closer, sniffing at the toy with what appeared to be professional assessment.
“This is not for you to evaluate,” I told him firmly, trying to shield the toy from his view. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Literally anywhere else?”
As if responding to my dismay, a small card fluttered out from beneath the toy.
“Adjusts to the user’s comfort level. Simply think of your desired size while holding the base.”
“That’s… convenient,” I murmured, cautiously holding the base. It felt warm in my hand, almost alive, and as I concentrated on a more reasonable dimension, it obligingly shrank to a less terrifying size. “Okay, that’s actually pretty impressive. Like a Goldilocks dildo—not too big, not too small, just right.”
Mr. Snuggles made a huffing sound, and I swear his eye roll was practically audible.
“You know what? Fine,” I said, giving up on modesty or propriety. “If you’re determined to stay, at least turn around or something. This is weird enough without you staring.”
Mr. Snuggles did not turn around. If anything, he seemed to settle in more comfortably, his eye fixed on me with what looked like anticipation.
I rummaged through the rest of the box, discovering an assortment of mysterious items. There were some silver ribbonlike things labeled “Celestial Restraints,” glowing crystals, various bottles and vials, and some strange black spheres that seemed to absorb light. There was also a book with the promising titleThe Submissive’s Handbook: A Beginner’s Guide to Pleasure, which I quickly shoved under my pillow before I could dwell too much on why that particular title caught my interest. The cover featured an illustration that made me question whether spines were actually supposed to bend that way.
“This is ridiculous,” I told myself, even as I reached for the oil. “I’m the Dark Lord of Iferona, not some horny teenager experimenting in his bedroom. I should be planning infrastructure improvements or practicing my evil laugh, not testing magical sex toys.”
Except that’s exactly what you are,a traitorous voice in my head pointed out.A horny, inexperienced mess who’s about to use a magical sex toy while fantasizing about his butler. Yourrésumé might say ‘Dark Lord,’ but your browser history would definitely say ‘desperate virgin.’
I unscrewed the cap on the oil, noting that it was meant to “enhance sensation tenfold” and required only a small amount. Given my current state, that seemed like overkill, like using a flamethrower to light a birthday candle, but curiosity won out. I dabbed a tiny drop on my finger and cautiously applied it to my neck, a relatively innocent place to test its effects.
The sensation was immediate and intense—a bloom of warmth that spread outward from the point of contact, making my skin hypersensitive. Even the slight brush of air as I moved sent shivers of pleasure across the treated area, like being tickled by invisible feathers made of pure sensation.
“Okay,” I breathed, “that’s… wow. That’s not enhancement, that’s a complete nervous system upgrade.”
Mr. Snuggles was watching me with obvious interest, his head tilted as if studying my reaction for future reference. Which was… disturbing on multiple levels.
“Do you mind?” I asked him pointedly. “This is getting creepy. Don’t you have dragon things to do? A treasure hoard to organize? Maidens to terrorize? Anything?”
