Page 99 of The Dark Lord Awakens
“For the love of—” I took a deep breath. “Sex toys! I need sex toys!”
The moment the words left my mouth, I heard a strange choking sound from the bathroom, like Mr. Snuggles had swallowed a hairball made of surprise.
The interface dimmed momentarily, then brightened with what I swear was a judgmental blue glow.
[Helpdesk Supreme notes this request represents a 99.8% deviation from typical Dark Lord procurement patterns. Most rulers in your position order implements of torture, not pleasure. Would valued customer prefer to redirect to our ‘Instruments of Suffering’ catalog instead?]
“No! I want the pleasure catalog!” I hissed, mortification warring with desperation. “Just show me what you’ve got!”
[To access adult content, Helpdesk Supreme requires completion of a brief 27-question survey regarding your preferences, experience level, and flexibility metrics. This ensures optimal product recommendations.]
“Twenty-seven questions?! I just need something to get off with, not apply for a mortgage!”
A muffled snort came from the bathroom, followed by what sounded like claws scrabbling more insistently at the door.
“You’re not helping!” I called out.
[Helpdesk Supreme can abbreviate the questionnaire to the seven most essential questions. Question one: On a scale from ‘slightly adventurous’ to ‘interdimensionally notorious,’ how would you rate your experience level?]
“Barely adventurous,” I muttered, sinking further into the pillows. “Just show me the basics.”
[Noted. Question two: Would you describe your current needs as ‘curious exploration,’ ‘moderate satisfaction,’ or ‘desperate enough to consider bargaining with elder gods’?]
“The last one,” I growled. “Definitely the last one.”
[Helpdesk Supreme notes your desperation levels with… professional interest. Question three: Do you prefer items with autonomous functionality or manual operation?]
“I don’t even know what that means!”
[This unit will mark you down for ‘requires detailed instruction manual.’ Question four: What is your preferred material composition? Options include silicone, enchanted crystal, sentient shadow essence, or living metal that adapts to user preferences.]
“Silicone! Just normal silicone!” I whispered frantically. “Nothing sentient or alive, for God’s sake!”
[How disappointingly conventional. Question five: What size category are you comfortable with? Options range from ‘modest beginner’ to ‘legendary challenge’ to ‘anatomically inadvisable.’]
“Modest to moderate,” I said, then reconsidered, thinking of Azrael’s tall form. “Maybe… um… large? But not anatomically inadvisable!”
A strange scratching sound came from beneath the bathroom door, as if tiny claws were trying to dig their way through.
[Helpdesk Supreme notes this selection with what humans might call ‘raised eyebrows.’ Question six: Are you interested insupplementary restraint devices, or do you prefer to maintain the illusion of control?]
“I—what? No! Maybe? I don’t know!” I buried my face in my hands. “Just put down ‘undecided’!”
[Fascinating. Final question: Is this purchase for personal use, or are you planning to incorporate another participant? Helpdesk Supreme observes that Lord Azrael’s quarters are approximately 37 meters from your current location.]
“That is absolutely none of your business!” I spluttered, my face burning hot enough to fry an egg. “Personal use only! And how do you even know where Azrael’s room is?”
From the bathroom came a low growling sound that I’d never heard from Mr. Snuggles before. It wasn’t threatening, exactly, but it definitely wasn’t his usual cheerful rumble.
[Helpdesk Supreme maintains comprehensive spatial awareness of account holder environments to optimize delivery protocols. Based on your questionnaire results and this unit’s analysis of your physiological state, you have been categorized as ‘Desperately Inexperienced But Ambitious.’ Would you like to view recommended products for this category?]
“Yes, fine, whatever! Just hurry up!”
The interface expanded, displaying a rotating hologram of what appeared to be a sizeable black silicone implement.
[Helpdesk Supreme’s top recommendation is the Demon Destroyer 3000, featuring adjustable size, multiple vibration patterns, and self-lubrication capabilities. This model is particularly popular among first-time users with unexpectedly insatiable appetites.]
I stared at the displayed dimensions with widening eyes. “That’s… very large. Like, concerningly large. Like, ‘call a doctor if you survive using it’ large.”
