Page 78 of The Dark Lord Awakens
[Among other items, yes. Lord Azrael maintains strict control over these ‘sacred relics,’ releasing only limited quantities to what he terms ‘the most worthy devotees.’ Internal records indicate he keeps the majority of these items in a private collection, releasing for sale only what he deems ‘excessive to requirements.’]
I felt a chill run down my spine, suddenly seeing Azrael’s attentiveness in a disturbing new light. All those times he’d insisted on personally attending to my grooming, carefully collecting discarded items…
“…Fine,” I finally said, making a strategic decision. “Keep selling it. But I want ten percent of all this… worship merchandise revenue allocated to a bonus fund for the castle staff. And I want detailed reports on exactly what’s being sold in my name.”
[Allocation adjusted. Staff bonus fund established. This unit projects the fund will accumulate approximately 7,850 OpenTokens weekly, sufficient to provide meaningful compensation enhancements for all 147 castle staff members. Would you like Helpdesk Supreme to generate a comprehensive catalog of all items currently being marketed as your divine relics?]
“Yes, but not right now. I need to process… all of this.” I returned to reviewing the more dignified exports, trying to ignore the fact that my most profitable product line was essentially Azrael’s dark lord worship merchandise. The “Twilight Lover’s Package” combining Void Mushrooms and Nightshade Pollen was now only our third-best-selling item, after bathwater and fake clothing.
“How’s the fulfillment system working for the regular exports?” I asked, desperately trying to change the subject away from my apparently thriving cult following.
[The fulfillment system is operating at 94.2% efficiency. The specialized terminals provided to your department heads have processed 1,723 individual orders without significant incident. This unit has recorded only three user errors, all attributed to Duke Splashypants attempting to include “complimentary moisture samples” with Void Mushroom orders.]
“Of course he did,” I muttered. “And the sub-accounts are working properly? No one’s ordering anything weird or unauthorized?” Besides Azrael’s entire religious merchandise empire, that is.
[All five sub-account holders are operating within established parameters. Lady Shadowfax has demonstrated exemplary efficiency with the Shadow Essence collection operation. Lord Taxman has implemented a meticulous inventory control system for the Twilight Crystals. Mistress Pokey has expanded Nightshade cultivation by 47% using approved resources only. Duke Splashypants remains enthusiastic but compliant after receiving clarification regarding “appropriate package inserts.”]
“And the fifth account holder?” I asked, though I already knew the answer.
[General Smashington’s sub-account for Demon-Forged Metals shows minimal activity. The general appears to be delegating most operations to Craftsman372, who has demonstrated surprising aptitude for customer communications despite an unfortunate tendency to describe products as “worthy of crushing enemy skulls.”]
I smiled, picturing the massive general trying to delicately package metal items while dictating sales pitches to his subordinate. The sub-account system had been Supremo’s idea—surprisingly useful despite coming with a hard-sell pitch about “hierarchical commerce optimization.” Each department head could now manage their specific resource collection and fulfillment without my constant oversight, while I maintained control of the main account and all financial aspects.
Well, most financial aspects. Apparently, Azrael had been running a parallel religious merchandise operation this whole time.
“How are customers receiving their orders?” I asked, still a bit fuzzy on the interdimensional logistics.
[OpenSesame utilizes a three-tier delivery system. Premium customers receive direct portal delivery to their specified locations. Standard customers collect their purchases fromdesignated OpenSesame access points in their respective realms. Economy shipping utilizes interdimensional courier entities for final delivery. Current customer satisfaction rating: 96.7%.]
“And no one questions where these products come from? Isn’t Iferona supposed to be some scary demon realm?”
[Helpdesk Supreme has marketed ‘Iferona Exports’ as a premium purveyor of exotic dark realm commodities. Many customers specifically seek products from forbidden or dangerous realms, believing they possess greater potency. Your realm’s intimidating reputation has been converted to a unique selling proposition, resulting in premium pricing opportunities.]
“So our bad reputation is actually good for business? That’s… surprisingly convenient.”
[Indeed. Helpdesk Supreme’s market analysis indicates that products from “The Dreaded Dark Realm of Iferona, ruled by the Divine Lord Lucien” command a 43% price premium over identical items from more benign sources. This unit has subtly enhanced this perception through strategic product descriptions emphasizing forbidden knowledge, ancient power, and exclusive access.]
“Set up automatic transfers to replenish the treasury as the revenue comes in. We need to make sure we’re covering the ongoing camp expenses.”
[Transfer protocols established. Based on current growth projections, ‘Iferona Exports’—combined with Lord Azrael’s ‘Divine Lucien’ merchandise line—will fully offset relief camp expenditures within 12 days, with increasing profit margins thereafter. Would valued customer like to expand operations to include additional product lines?]
“No more expansion for now,” I said firmly. “I’m still processing the fact that Azrael is running a religion based around me and selling my personal items as religious relics.”
[Understood. Helpdesk Supreme will maintain current operations. This unit notes that Duke Splashypants has requested permission to name a new strain of particularly potent Void Mushrooms ‘Lucien’s Midnight Delight.’ Would you like to approve this product naming?]
“Absolutely not,” I hissed, glancing nervously at Azrael, who was thankfully still arranging my breakfast with his back turned. “No products named after me, especially not aphrodisiac mushrooms!”
[Request denied. This unit will inform Duke Splashypants that product naming requires prior approval through proper channels. Helpdesk Supreme has updated your merchant dashboard with real-time revenue tracking for your convenience. Will there be anything else?]
“No, that’s all for now. Thank you.”
[Helpdesk Supreme is pleased to contribute to your realm’s financial stability. This unit reminds valued customer that merchant account holders qualify for our exclusive ‘Interdimensional Trade Domination’ seminar, available for just 10,000 OpenTokens.]
“Goodbye, Supremo,” I said firmly.
The interface dimmed just as Azrael turned around with my breakfast tray. “Did you say something, my lord?” he asked, his crimson eyes narrowed slightly.
“Just talking to myself,” I replied, unable to suppress a small smile of satisfaction despite my lingering shock at discovering Azrael’s side business. “Planning the day ahead.”
