Page 77 of The Dark Lord Awakens
“My lord,” he said quietly, “I have served seventeen Dark Lords as Treasury Administrator. I have managed copper pennies and counted lint. I have stretched resources until they screamed. But this…” He gestured to his terminal, his voice cracking. “This is the first time in Iferona’s history that we will have actual income. Real revenue. From outside sources.”
He bowed deeply. “I shall personally count every coin that materializes in the treasury. My most trusted accountants will work in shifts to ensure not a single token is misplaced. We shall establish proper bookkeeping, financial projections, quarterly reports!” His voice rose with each word, his excitement palpable.
“That sounds… thorough,” I said, slightly concerned by his intensity.
“I have waited my entire career for this moment,” he whispered, clutching his terminal to his chest. “The day a Dark Lord understood… economics.”
With that slightly disturbing declaration, he scurried out, already muttering about ledger systems and revenue categorization.
Isnapped back to the present as Supremo’s interface pulsed gently, bringing me back to the current revenue report.
[Your merchant portal ‘Iferona Exports’ has generated 127,845 OpenTokens in the past seven days. After service fees and fulfillment costs, your net revenue is 103,504 OpenTokens. Would you like to see the breakdown by product category?]
I quickly scanned the report, then did a double take at the top-selling item. “Wait, what’s this ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ product? I never approved that!”
[Helpdesk Supreme must clarify that ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ was added to the catalog by Lord Azrael using special administrative privileges. This item has become your highest-margin product, accounting for 32% of total revenue despite limited supply.]
“What exactly is ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’?” I asked, a sense of dread building.
The interface displayed an elegant black bottle with silver accents, labeled with ornate script and bearing what appeared to be a religious seal. [This premium product consists of water collected from your bath after use, ritually purified and enhanced with shadow essence for stability. It is marketed as ‘The blessed waters touched by the divine form of Lord Lucien, imbued with his sacred power and offered to the faithful as a token of his benevolence.’]
“WHAT?” I nearly shouted, then lowered my voice as Azrael glanced over. “They’re selling my BATHWATER?”
[Correct. According to customer testimonials, ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ is primarily used for blessing ceremonies, protection rituals, and devotional altars dedicated to your worship. The product commands 750 OpenTokens per 2-ounce bottle and consistently sells out within minutes of listing. Each bottle includes a certificate of authenticity signed by Lord Azrael as ‘First Disciple of the Divine Lucien.’]
“First Disciple of the—” I sputtered, torn between horror and fascination. “Azrael is behind this?”
[Affirmative. Lord Azrael personally oversees the entire process, from collection to bottling. The procedure is conducted as a solemn ritual by specially selected servants who have taken vows of devotion to you. According to internal communications, Lord Azrael considers this ‘a sacred duty to spread the divine essence of Lord Lucien to worthy devotees across the realms.’]
I felt my face burning with embarrassment. “People are buying my used bathwater for… worship?”
[Correct. This unit should note that similar products from other notable beings rarely achieve even 10% of your sales volume. Your bathwater has achieved sacred relic status in certain realms, with multiple temples reportedly dedicated to your worship. One particularly devoted customer claimedbathing their eyes in your essence granted them visions of ‘the Dark Lord’s magnificent countenance.’]
“I don’t know whether to be flattered or mortified,” I muttered. “And this is really making that much money?”
[Current revenue from ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ alone is 42,500 OpenTokens weekly. A secondary product line of ‘Vestments Blessed by the Dark Lord’s Touch’ generates an additional 35,700 OpenTokens weekly. These garments are marketed as exact replicas of your daily attire, when in fact they are designs Lord Azrael has created based on what he believes you should wear.]
“Wait—Azrael is designing clothes, claiming I wear them, and selling them to… who exactly?”
[Primary customers include noble houses of neighboring realms. The clothing line is advertised as ‘The Divine Wardrobe: Garments Identical to Those Gracing the Perfect Form of Lord Lucien.’ Each item includes a certificate of authenticity and strict wearing instructions to ensure ‘proper reverence for the Dark Lord’s sartorial preferences.’]
I buried my face in my hands. “So I’m basically funding the realm’s recovery with bathwater and a clothing line I’ve never even seen, while Azrael runs some kind of… dark lord worship cult?”
[Precisely. Helpdesk Supreme’s analysis indicates Lord Azrael has established what can only be described as an organized religion centered around your persona. The ‘Temple of the Eternal Shadow’ appears to have branches in seventeen realms, with devotional practices including daily recitation of ‘The Ninety-Nine Perfect Qualities of Lord Lucien’ and ritual use of your bathwater for blessings.]
“The ninety-nine WHAT?”
[A devotional text authored by Lord Azrael, detailing your supposedly divine attributes. This unit has access to thecomplete manuscript, which includes 37 references to your ‘luminous skin,’ 23 mentions of your ‘celestial blue eyes,’ and an entire chapter dedicated to your hands that this unit finds… concerning in its level of detail.]
“This is insane,” I whispered, glancing nervously at Azrael, who was meticulously arranging my breakfast with what I now recognized as ritualistic precision. “Does he know that I know about this?”
[Negative. Lord Azrael has taken extensive precautions to ensure these activities remain unknown to you. He appears to believe he is acting in your best interest by ‘cultivating the appropriate level of devotion your divine nature deserves’ while simultaneously generating revenue for the realm.]
I noticed something else on the report. “What’s this ‘Exclusive Collector’s Series’?”
[The ‘Divine Relics: Exclusive Collector’s Series’ consists of limited-edition items personally selected by Lord Azrael. Current offerings include ‘Strands of Celestial Silver’ (your hair collected during grooming), ‘Slumber Sanctification’ (pillowcases used by you for exactly one night), and ‘Touch of the Divine’ (gloves worn by you once, then preserved in shadow essence).]
“He’s collecting my HAIR?”
