Page 63 of Find Me in the Rain
Josh turns on his heels, heading back inside.
“Josh! I’m sorry!”
Josh and I will be okay. I’m just too overwhelmed right now.
Alec’s hand finds my back. My eyes begin to burn. I hate confrontation, especially when I have no idea it’s coming.
I knew the second those words left my mouth that I had gone too far. Josh and Charlotte are my rocks. I have no idea where I’d be today if I didn’t have them in my corner.
Alec begins lightly rubbing my back. “Lu?”
Turning to him, I push back the feelings wanting to break free. “I’m okay.”
He slides his hand over my cheek, cupping my jaw. I settle into the strength his simple touch gives me.
“What do you want to do?”
I know he’s talking about Jack. The problem is that I have nofuckingidea. I thought I had time. Time to figure it out, ease him into it. Not show up after visiting Mom and not having a say in how it played out.
I let out the huge sigh that’s been building in my chest. “I don’t know, but let’s head in.”
Alec furrows his brows. “Do you know what you’re doing?” He offers me his hand.
I lock my fingers with his. “No fucking clue.”
Alec opens the door for us, and I take the lead. I was so not prepared for this to be happening so soon. I mean, Alec and I still have a lot to talk about. We haven’t made anything official yet, and he’s only here on tour right now. I did not want Jack to know unless there was no doubt about us getting back together for good. I don’t want his heart getting broken too.
When we walk in, the downstairs is empty. Josh is probably in his room, hating me. Charlotte’s at the club, doing prep for tonight. And I imagine Jack is in his room, hoping his dream of Alec moving in will come true.
When I turn and go up the stairs, my heart is pounding. This is the exact type of moment when I need my mom. I need her to tell me what to do, how to handle this. I need her to wrap her arms around me, kiss my cheek, and tell me it will all be okay.
But she’s not here to do any of that, and I’ve never missed her more.
Jack’s door is closed, so I knock.
“Come in!” Jack shouts, seemingly far from the door, probably lying on his bed.
I take one last deep breath before opening the door. “Hey, buddy.”
Jack jumps up from his bed, Legos flying onto the floor from him flinging his blanket off him. He runs over, his arms spread wide.
I bend down and embrace him in a hug, standing up with him in my arms.
He leans back, and I run my fingers through his soft hair.
“We have to talk, bud, okay?”
Jack’s eyes drop to the floor. “Is it about what I talked to Josh about?”
I nod. “Come on. Let’s go sit downstairs.”
I have a weird sense of calm, walking back down the stairs. I don’t know how to explain it. I just trust that I’m here, doing my best, and I will just know what to say in the moment.
Having Jack so young was terrifying, and I have always been scared that I’m doing the wrong thing. But if I’ve learned anything from being a mom, it is that you will never know everything, you will never have the perfect solution, and the only thing you can do is your absolute best.
I set Jack down on the couch, sitting him to my left with Alec on my right. Jack is still avoiding my eye contact.
But then he turns to me, leans up, and whispers in my ear, “Are you mad at me, Mommy?”
