Page 47 of Find Me in the Rain
We stand in silence for what feels like forever before Jack breaks it. “Who are you?”
Alec’s wide eyes shoot to my face for a moment before he turns to Jack. He clears his throat. “My name’s Alec.” His voice is disconnected, almost like it isn’t him talking.
Jack shoots a hand out. “Nice to meet you. I’m Jack. How do you know my mom?”
Alec’s voice is a whisper. “Your mom?”
13
Alec’s eyebrows furrow. “Jack, how old are you?”
“I’m five. My birthday’s in a few months. Mom said she’s going to throw me a huge party!” He can’t contain his excitement.
I feel like I’m going to puke.
Josh and Charlotte approach on my sides, and Jack reaches for her, going into her arms.
Char whispers something to Jack, who turns back to Alec.
“Nice meeting you, Alec.”
Alec laughs one short, sharp laugh, thick with emotion that I can’t quite decipher. “You too … Jack.”
They skate off, leaving Alec and me in our own world. I don’t know what to say. This wasn’t exactly the reaction I had expected from him. It’s not like he didn’t know I was pregnant. It was clearly stated in my letter.
Alec stares at the ice, his breaths shallow. And ever so slowly, he drops to his knees.
I stand there, frozen.Why is he acting so surprised?
When he lifts his eyes to mine, I begin questioning everything. A tear falls onto his cheek, on the cheek of a man breaking in front of me. A man who I have never seen cry.
His voice is scratchy, wrecked with emotion. “Lu …” His voice trails off. He closes his eyes before continuing, “Lu, is that our … is that ourson?”
I’ve only ever felt distant from my body a handful of times in my life—when I found out I was pregnant, when Alec left for good, when I got the call about my mom, and right now.
My voice is a world away. “You knew about Jack, Alec. You’ve known for years. It was your choice not to be in his life.”
He stands back up, and this time, he’s mad. “Laura! I didn’t know I had a fucking son! Are you serious right now? You think that if I knew, I wouldn’t have been here every day, with him, with you?”
My body feeds off his anger, manipulating it tenfold. “Yes, Iknowyou knew. I left the letter in your mailbox, telling you how sorry I was for breaking up with you and telling you that I was pregnant and that I missed you. You never texted, called, wrote back. What was I supposed to think?”
“What are you talking about?” He runs his hands through his hair, his shoulders sagging. “I-I never got a letter, Laura. If I knew, if I had known, my choice would have been you. It would have always been you. Why didn’t you text? Why didn’t you call?”
“I was so scared, so young. We used those letters for words that were sometimes harder to say. And fuck I could barely write it on paper. I was terrified, Alec. When you didn’t respond, I took that as your answer.”
I can see his pain, cut deep into the harsh lines of his face. In the tears pouring down his face. I’m in shock. All the anger and anguish of abandonment I’ve felt all these years still burrow into my skin, but it wasn’t real. And I don’t know how to make it go away.
“Alec, I-I don’t know what to say.”
His hazel eyes continue to water, pain exploding behind them. He places my hands against his chest. “Laura, I swear to you, I didn’t know.” He sucks in a sharp breath, his eyes wetting. He pulls my head under his chin, engulfing me in his embrace. “If I had known, if I had known you were pregnant, I would have been here every single damn day. I’m so sorry. I’msosorry, Lu.”
His chest shakes, and I don’t have to look to know more tears are falling. My heart is shattering and stitching back together, over and over, moment after moment.
The tears burst out my eyes, pouring down my cheeks. The sobs shake my body while I’m in his arms, which tighten around me, claiming my sorrow as his own.
We stay there, locked in each other’s torment. This feels like a dream, that there’s no way this could be true. I’m terrified that when we pull apart, Alec and I will still be just as we’ve been. But I think, perhaps, I’m more terrified of the truth—that nothing will ever be the same.
Time has faded. I don’t know how long we’ve been here, wrapped in each other’s arms. When I finally pull away, my heart aches, torn apart with the what-ifs of our past.
