Page 79 of Malice
“One of my greatest desires and most terrible fears, all wrapped in one package.”
Malice didn’t have to say anything else. I knew exactly what he was referring to. Somehow we’d already found our way back to the topic I was most curious about. Instinct warned me that I might never get another chance to ask him about his son.
“She showed you Pan,” I stated, keeping my voice even and free of any kind of judgment.
His knuckles continued to drag back and forth along my body, a soothing gesture for both of us, I suspected. “Yes. She knew he would be the key to my undoing.”
“Have you ever...” I bit down on my lip, second-guessing myself. The last thing I wanted was for Malice to think I was prying and shut me out again. It certainly hadn’t ended well for me the last time I’d treaded where he hadn’t wanted me.
“Tried to find him?” he guessed.
I nodded.
“Countless times.”
“No luck?”
“I’ve seen him. Watched him grow.”
“But you haven’t met him?”
“No. Not once. I couldn’t risk his life for my own selfish desires.”
I hated this for him. So much. All Malice wanted was to know his son, but if he took any opportunity to speak to him face-to-face, Pan would be killed.
“I can’t imagine how hard that is for you. I’m so sorry, Mal.”
He let out a derisive snort. “It’s probably for the best. The last thing he needs is another shit parent interfering with his life. I mean, I’m a horseman. What do I know about rearing a child?”
I sat up and adjusted my body until I was facing him. “What does anyone know about it? No one goes into parenthood with the knowledge of how to not fuck up their kid.”
“Isn’t that the entire point?”
“Yep. And even the best parents still mess up. No one is perfect.”
Malice made a soft, non-committal sound, his eyes not quite meeting mine.
“I mean it, Mal. You would make an excellent father. Not because you’d be perfect at it, but because you would be you.”
His eyes snapped to mine, hope and disbelief at war in the amethyst depths. “You’re just being kind.”
“I’m not. Look at what you’ve done for me. You’re an amazing teacher. Patient when you want to be. Think of all the things you could have taught your son. And you’re actually pretty selfless. Whenever I’ve needed you most, you’ve set aside your own interests to take care of me. Not just once, but many times. And I know without a single doubt that you would do it again without a second thought. You’re devoted, Malice. Loyal. Caring.”
He stopped me with a finger on my lips. “Enough,” he said in a rough voice.
Taking his hand, I held it tightly before looking him directly in the eyes and saying, “You are a good man, Malice. One of the best men I’ve ever known. You deserve to be happy.”
He held my gaze, and I watched his throat bob a couple of times before he managed, “I have had little opportunity to know happiness, Merri. But you... you make me happy.”
Well, shit.
My eyes burned with the threat of tears, and I had to blink a few times to clear them. “Ditto.”
Malice snorted a laugh. “Look at us making declarations.” He rolled his eyes as he let out a long-suffering sigh. “I will have you know, Meredith Deveraux, that I make it a point to avoid feelings.”
“Oh yeah?”
He nodded, his lips twisting into a wry grin. “It would seem that when it comes to you, I break all of my rules.”
