Page 47 of The Duke's Concealed Vow
Serena forgot the question she wanted answered for the moment. She rubbed his back gently, giving him a kind smile.
“You must not blame yourself for his death, Rowan,” she said. “There is no way to know whether he would have gone out into the water if you had not fought with him. Carrying that guilt around could end up killing you. You must learn how to forgive yourself.”
Rowan nodded, sighing again.
“That is not my only source of guilt, Serena,” he said.
Serena tried to get him to meet her gaze, but he refused. She relented, giving him another encouraging pat, and falling silent again.
“After my father died, I met your mother,” he said. “I was a terribly broken man, haunted by my guilt over Father’s death.” He paused, scoffing softly. “It was in my darkest moment that I encountered your mother here, in these very gardens, I recall.”
Serena gasped softly. She immediately had many more questions. But her mind screamed at her to be silent. She did not wish to spook Rowan, now that he was telling her things she had been longing to know. She swallowed, waiting for her husband to continue.
“Lady Caroline’s kindness and compassion saved me the night I met her,” he said. “It offered me a glimmer of hope and a chance at redemption. She said something very similar to what you just said to me, about how I must not blame myself. And I admit that I failed at taking those words to heart. But I have no doubt that I would not be standing here today, were it not for her.”
Serena’s mind was reeling. But now, as much out of astonishment as out of a desire to keep Rowan talking, she was speechless. She nodded, her body tensing as she prepared for whatever was coming next.
“The reason I married you is because…” he paused, and Serena though she might swoon. She found her voice, albeit a weak one, and she looked into Rowan’s eyes.
“Why?” she whispered. “Tell me why you married me.”
Rowan finally looked at her, and there were indeed tears in his eyes. But she could not focus on that now. She needed to hear every word he was about to say.
“I married you because I wanted to honour your mother’s memory,” he said. “And I felt that the best way to do that was to marry you, so that I could protect you and your future. I promised her that in return for such impossible kindness, I would do anything to take care of you. I vowed that I would marry you, so that you would never want for anything in your life, so you would always be safe.”
Serena faltered on her feet as realization struck her like a speeding carriage. A torrent of emotions overwhelmed her as she listened to Rowan’s confession. Shock, disbelief and betrayal flooded her as she understood that their marriage was built on a foundation of duty and obligation, not out of any hopes for a match for love, or even for reasonable, comfortable convenience.
He knew Mother, she thought, her chest heaving with the threat of releasing body racking sobs. He knew Mother, and he never spoke a word of it, despite knowing how much I missed her. It was all too much for her to handle at once. She was bound to him only because she was an obligation, and he had hidden the fact that he knew her mother. She was distressed, and suddenly, the gardens felt too suffocating and oppressive, despite the fresh air she could feel herself pulling into her lungs. She could not face him. Not right then. Perhaps, not ever again.
Struggling to process the weight of Rowan’s words, Serena turned and fled from the gardens. She was desperate for solace and space to sort through her tumultuous thoughts and feelings. Her very own ball was forgotten as she stumbled her way away from her husband and the stone fountain. What had seemed so important at the beginning of the evening, hosting the perfect ball and showing the ton she deserved her new station, nowseemed so arbitrary. After all, what good was it to be duchess if her duke was so secretive and untrustworthy?
“Serena,” Rowan called after her.
She didn’t look back to see if he was following her. Even though his voice was filled with anguish and regret, she ignored him. She did not glance back to see if he was following. Part of her hoped he would. But the other, bigger part of her prayed that he did not. She knew she could not face him. Nor did she even want to try.
“Serena,” he yelled again, but this time, his voice was further away. If he had been following her, he had stopped somewhere between the fountain and the garden entrance.
She stumbled ahead, nearly tripping on the hem of her dress. Her heart was heavy with the burden of the truth and uncertainty of what could lie ahead in her relationship as she rushed away from the garden. And as she sought refuge within the walls of Dalenwood Manor, she knew she had to confront the reality of her marriage and the secrets that shaped their union. But she did not know if she could do that in the place that now felt full of lies hiding in the shadows of every corner.
