Page 4 of Capacity
“Hello?” I pressed the phone to my ear and winced at the sound of my own voice.
“Principal Cunningham, are you coming in today?” My secretary Rosie sounded highly concerned, which wasn’t like her. Especially on a Sunday.
“Coming in? Rosie, it’s Sunday. Was there something scheduled today?” I sat on the edge of my bed and felt around on the floor for my personal phone so I could pull up the calendar.
“Mr. Cunningham…it’s Monday. I didn’t see any leave in the system for you so I decided to call and check.”
“Monday?” I stammered, hopping to my feet. I’d lost time before when I blacked out drunk but it was usually several hours not an entire fucking day. “I must be…coming down with something.”
“If you need to stay home, that’s fine but…”
“No, no. I’m on my way.” I coughed into the phone for good measure just to give the illusion that I was sick then I ended the call. I don’t know how much of my bullshit Rosie bought but I didn’t need her to buy every ounce. Just enough to excuse me for rolling into work at ten in the morning.
“I really needed that shower.” The unfamiliar voice jolted me. I’d forgotten just that quickly that Sky was in my house.
“Good. Get dressed, eat and catch your Uber. I have to go to work.”
“I told you it was Monday and not Sunday,” she smirked, pointing a slender finger at me.
“Yup. You got me,” I feigned enthusiasm and tossed Sky’s clothes at her. “Your Uber should be here soon. The driver is five minutes away.” I refused to leave her in my house without supervision so I busied myself until I saw her leave out of the front door and get into the Uber car with the bowl of oatmeal in her hand and a slice of toast hanging from her mouth.
Once she was gone, I took the hottest shower I could stand. It wasn’t only to get the thought of someone else’s vomit off me, it was to wash away the shame and regret that tunneled beneath my skin and burrowed into my marrow.
I fucked a kid.
I got her drunk and the most I could do for her was pay for an Uber and feed her oatmeal. What the fuck had my life become? I shuddered at the thought of myself. If Hazel could see me now she would hate what I’d become.
I fought my inner-disgust the entire way to work. When I parked in the space reserved for Lakeview High’s Best Principal, I looked at my haggard blue eyes in the rearview mirror. I wasn’t the best principal by a long shot. Hell, I wasn’t even a decent human being.
I was thankful my outside didn’t match my inside. Outside, I was dressed in a crisp white button-down shirt, a red tie and a pair of charcoal gray slacks. My hair was combed and cut neat. Not one strand on my collar and with the help of eye drops, my eyes weren’t as glassy and red.
Inside?
Inside I was a twisted maze of rotting good intentions. I was a monster with horns and fangs. I wore thick scaly skin and cinder blocks around my heart. Thank God nobody could peer in and see it.
My mask was firmly in place.
“Principal Cunningham, how are you feeling?” Rosie was on her feet in an instant with her soft hand pressed to my forehead. I flashed her a perfect smile and pulled her hand away from my head, kissing her knuckles. She was like a mother to me. Her face was the epitome of cherubic and she always styled her silver mane in a neat bun on top of her head.
“I’m fine, Rosie. Just a little under the weather.” She didn’t buy it. She didn’t push any further though and I was grateful. There was no way to explain the fact that I went to a bar last night and hooked up with a kid no older than the seniors at my school. That was something I’d have to choke down and swallow whole.
I went on about my day like I wasn’t a raging alcoholic in need of help. I couldn’t hide from myself when I was alone in my office after hours though.
I needed help.
When Rosie left for the evening, I pulled up the closest AA meetings in my area. I had to do something.
After a few minutes of searching, I found a meeting not too far from my house. They got together in the back of a crystal shop downtown. I scribbled down the address and chugged a bottle of water to combat my dry mouth.
I’d almost walked into AA meetings so many times but I’d turned around every chance I got. I convinced myself that I could do better on my own. I didn’t need anyone’s help. Especially not a group of morally condescending people trying not to drink anymore.
I rubbed my forehead and speared my fingers through my hair. A few unruly chunks fell against my forehead. I could stop cold turkey if I really wanted to. I didn’t need to embarrass myself in a circle of strangers.
A knot tightened in my throat at the thought of finding Sky Lebowitz’s ID this morning. She was eighteen and I was pushing forty-two. I could have been her fucking father. What if she came back to bite me in the ass somehow?
What if I picked up another under-aged girl and gave her liquor?
I needed to go to the goddamn AA meeting.
