Page 33 of Bear
I didn’t want to do our dance anymore. I wanted us to be bare and raw. I didn’t want to be the angel he thought I was. Shit, even angels cried.
“She didn’t know who I was. I know it wasn’t for long but it still happened. My mother is my world. How am I supposed to exist if she doesn’t remember who I am?” My vowels and consonants became liquid agony as they dripped down my cheeks and fell from my lips, flooding the room up to the ceiling. I even saw Bear hold his breath, bracing for the impact of the wave.
“I know, Cecily. I hate this shit too. I hate it more than I’ve ever hated anything.” His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. “Luanne has always been like a mother to me. She’s the smartest woman I know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch her…” He looked into my eyes and cut his words short, no doubt protecting me again.
“Say it,” I begged. “Don’t shield me, Bear. I’m a big girl.”
“I don’t want to watch her spiral into madness. I don’t want her to forget us.” Even though I told him to say it, hearing those words out loud didn’t sting any less. Sobs shook my shoulders.
Bear’s strong arms were around me in no time. “Please don’t cry, baby doll. Between Luanne being sick and you crying…I can’t take this fucking feeling in my chest.” He caressed my chin then wiped my eyes. I thought he was going to say something wise to stop my tears but instead, he looked at me. He looked at me like he’d never seen me before. Like my eyes had all the stars in the sky and they were raining down my face. “I’ll make this better.” He cupped my face then pressed his lips against mine.
My tears stopped immediately but only to make way for the fire that engulfed me. Bear’s mouth dominated every part of my trembling body. His tongue slid against mine, probing and stroking, forcing me to throb. My mind spun around and around when he pulled my bottom lip into his mouth. He tasted clean like mint and I wanted more. I never wanted it to stop.
When his strong hands found my waist and pulled me closer, I couldn’t help myself. I let out a soft moan. I thought maybe he hadn’t heard it. I thought it could go undetected but with Bear nothing went undetected.
He broke our kiss and pressed his forehead against mine, refusing to open his eyes. “Cecily, you can’t make that noise,” he warned, shaking his head.
“You can’t kiss me like that and steal my breath then expect for me not to moan.”
“Fuck…I need a minute. I don’t think I should have kissed you like that.”
“Bear, please don’t do this right now. Don’t put pieces of yourself in my hands then snatch them back.” I knew he’d run out of the room and bury himself in work or working out or something…
He didn’t though.
He sat beside me, quiet. Staring at the floor. I had to say something to break apart the mass of silence absorbing us. “Bear, I’m too vulnerable right now. My heart is banged up with knots and bruises and I can’t handle caring about you the way I do knowing you won’t care about me back. If that kiss was a mistake please tell me now so I can start boarding my heart up again.” My hands shook because I was holding on too many heavy things. I didn’t want to carry all that weight around anymore but where the hell could I put it? If I didn’t wade through my own storm who else would?
He stood up and walked over to the door. “Let’s go check on Luanne. We’ll talk later. I promise.” At least I knew I could count on that because Bear didn’t lie. Not to me anyway. I nodded my head and walked to the door as well. Before I moved past him, he grabbed my hips and pushed me against the wall.
“It wasn’t a mistake.” He nipped at my lips then kissed me again but only briefly. Not long enough for me to moan. I watched Bear walk down the hall, trying to catch up to what the hell just happened.
I could hardly wrap my mind around the fact I looked at him as a big brother and we kissed twice in less than ten minutes. It wasn’t a meaningless kiss either. When Bear kissed me, I knew everything I grew up thinking about him was a lie.
No man without a heart could ever kiss a woman like that and Bear Stone kissed me like he had a thousand hearts in his chest. As much as I wanted to sit and contemplate the complexity of what was quickly becoming my reality, I had to go check on my mother. A part of that new reality was dealing with whatever she was battling.
I caught up to Bear at the foot of the steps and we found Mom in the office, just as Bear suspected. When we walked in, she was sitting on the couch, holding a rosary and praying her way around it reverently. Her eyes popped open when she felt us standing there.
My heart broke a little when I saw a blue sticky note beside her that read:Your rosary is in the top drawer of the brown desk.
“Mom, how long has this been going on?” I held the note up and sat beside her, concern weighing down my features. Bear sat on the other side and rubbed her back. I had no idea where the tender side of him came from but I was grateful to see it. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with his callous side.
“Months,” she answered, staring off in the distance. “I’ve never forgotten anyone important until recently. Cecily, my God I’m so sorry it had to be you.” Tears made her brown eyes look like cognac swimming in a glass.
My lips trembled already at the harsh memory of how low I felt when she didn’t know who I was.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bear asked. His voice was full of frustration.
“What was I supposed to say to you, Bear? I’m losing my memory? I have to write myself notes to remember where the sheets are and which room they belong in? Your father would cut me loose in a heartbeat. You don’t think I know that?”
“My father isn’t here. I am. He’s not the one calling the fucking shots, Luanne. You should have told me about this.”
“I thought it was just me getting older.”
“Bear called Dad,” I told her. I had to keep my gaze trained on my hands holding hers. If I looked anywhere else I was bound to pop. I was too full of emotions.
“Paul doesn’t need to worry. I don’t want him rushing over here,” Mom shook her head and stood up.
“He needs to be here because we all need to have a conversation.” I swallowed the knot in my throat and looked into her eyes. Those were the eyes I remembered from childhood. The ones I looked into when I was sick or needed reassurance. The ones I looked into when I heard men losing their lives under Mr. Griffon’s hand. The ones that told me everything would be okay. I always believed her too.
