Page 38 of Defect
“So I should let anyone talk to me any kind of way to stay out of trouble?” I asked, my brows pinched together in a scowl. I didn’t wait for her to answer. I stormed toward the house and waited for her to unlock the door.
The keys jangled in her hand as she searched for the right one. When the door finally swung open, the smell of nostalgia crept up my nose, choking me with sadness. I stood still as a statue looking around the empty living room.
I saw Everett and me running around the house, jumping over couches and making up stupid games. I saw us trying our hardest to trick Mom into confusing one of us for the other. I flared my nostrils to stop myself from crying. It was all too much. I raced up the steps two at a time until I came to the landing and face to face with Ev’s door.
The knot in my throat turned into a boulder.
I wanted my brother back.
Nothing was the same without him and nothing would ever be the same.
“You need to have your brother’s room clean by the time I get back tonight. That should be plenty of time for you to get everything done.” I spun around and looked at my mother like she grew three heads.
Did she say I should have everything done by the time she got back tonight?
“You’re leaving me here?” I quizzed in disbelief.
“I have to work overtime. You can get this done by yourself. It’ll be good for you.”
“Sayswho?” I exploded flinging my arms outward. Anger vibrated down to my fingertips.
“Says me. I’ll be back later. Don’t go outside. Do you see what’s waiting for you out there, Ezra? Please don’t let your brain get you into trouble.” I was stunned to see her actually head back down the steps and out of the house, locking the door behind herself. I didn’t have the keys. I didn’t have a car and I knew for certain if I stepped out of the house, I’d get jumped again.
With nothing else to do and nowhere to go, I went to Ev’s room. The moment I opened the door, sadness washed over me. It was heavy and clunky but I carried it with me all the time anyway.
Thick plastic totes sat on the middle of the floor and all around his bed. “I hate her now,” I said to whatever part of my brother that was still able to hear me. “She wishes I were dead and it’s about the only thing I agree with her on.” I sat on Ev’s bed and felt my chest nearly cave in. “Why the fuck did you have to leave, man?” My chin trembled under the weight of my grief. It was too much.
I looked at his dresser and walked over to stare at the pictures he’d taped to the surface. There were so many memories of us stretching from childhood up until right before he was killed. I picked at the corner of the collage with my nail until the tape holding it down lifted. Every picture of us standing side by side was like a blow to my heart. Shards fell into the abyss with each beat.
“What the hell am I supposed to do without you? I’ve never been without you for this long.” When I dragged my eyes up to the mirror, I didn’t see my face. I sawhis. I knew it was my face but right then I desperately need to see Everett so I did. I missed my brother. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to crack a joke to make me laugh. I wanted him to blast rap music. I wanted him to toss his football in the air and threaten to throw it at my head. I wanted to threaten to smash his face in with my fist. I wanted us to laugh about it all.
The air in his room was too thick to breathe.
I had to get out for at least a moment. I had to breathe normal air. I stepped into the hallway and sucked in deep breaths. I breathed the way Solana taught me and it calmed me momentarily. Nothing could help me through the torture of packing up Ev’s things though. I went through a range of painful bittersweet emotions that I couldn’t control. I was swinging wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other with nobody to help level me out.
Why the hell did my mother think it was okay to leave me alone to do something so heavily emotional? It was more than the physical act of picking up his belongings and putting them into totes and boxes. It was knowing that each thing I touched was connected to my brother. It was knowing tat he touched everything I touched. It was knowing I’d never see him again or speak to him. He was gone forever and no amount of looking at his stuff would bring him back. The pain it left behind was staggering.
Once I could breathe again, I walked into his room. I went back to the dresser and looked at the collage. My heart turned dense as it slid further down in my chest. I rested my head on the dresser and let out a tormented sob. It shook my ribs and deflated my lungs. The sorrow thrummed through me carrying numbness through my veins.
I peeled the pictures off and wiped my stinging eyes with the bottom of my shirt. Once the entire thing was up, I laid it on his bed and looked around his room, trying not to let the storm raging inside me swallow me whole because if it did, there would be no more of me left. I would gladly leave this earth and be with Everett wherever he was.
What was the point of sticking around anyway? My own mother thought I was a monster. She didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know me anymore either. Who was I without Everett? Who was I with a fucked up brain and broken thoughts?
I was a defect.
I was stupid.
Worthless.
Nobody would miss me if I went to the kitchen and found something sharp to end it all. Nobody.
Except for…her.
Solana’s face flooded my mind like the sunrise. Thinking of her sadness made me move away from the dark thoughts crowding my head. She was the only person that cared about me.
She was my friend.
I needed a friend right then.
