Page 95 of Defect
“That’s not going to happen,” I blurted with a frown. “We can cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“You’re approaching that bridge pretty fast, Solana. You can’t keep avoiding this.”
“I’m not avoiding it.” I folded my arms and looked out of the window behind her desk.
“You are. Now you’re going to be pissed at me for pointing out the major fucking elephant in the room and that’s the fact that you’re in love with an eighteen-year-old and you want to be a mother. I think Ezra is wonderful, sis. I think he’s mature and he suits you and he’s a really cool guy. He’s still eighteen and you can’t get away from the fact that he’s going to eventually want to do shit that eighteen-year-olds do. Typically, having a family and settling down are not on that list. Think about yourself at that age. You weren’t trying to be anyone’s stepmother. You barely had your shit together. I remember you vividly at that age.”
“Okay, Amaris. I didn’t stop by to talk about me and Ezra. I stopped by to tell you I wasn’t going forward with the foster parent application and that I was going to petition the court. That’s why I’m here. I need to know that I can point the court in the direction of the records from the school.”
“Yes, of course you can. I’m sorry if I seem to be harping on this thing with you and Ezra. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I won’t get hurt. Whatever happens, is for us to work out on our own,” I said slicing my hand through the air. I was done talking about that shit. The entire conversation had me heated. “I’ll talk to you later, Amaris.” I stood up and she looked like she had more she wanted to say but she kept her mouth shut.
When I got to the car, I sat there for a minute replaying what my sister said over and over until it hurt my head. I hated when shit like that happened. Amaris was always right. So whenever she said something, even if I told her she was wrong, I always wondered if she was right and I was being stubborn.
This was one of those times.
I drove to the yoga studio in silence because I needed to think about a lot of unpleasant things. Things like not being with Ezra or him feeling stifled in our relationship if I were granted custody of Malachi. Shit, what if he got me pregnant with a kid of our own?
What the fuck was I thinking telling him to put a baby in me?
See, that’s exactly why dick that good needed to come with a warning label. He had me out here losing my morals and my mind. Shit.
I pulled up at the yoga studio and walked in. I hated that most of the sunlight was blocked by the huge slab of wood patching the broken window. Ezra walked around the corner with his nose in a jar of herbs and leaves and my fucking heart melted.
He was so beautiful and he’d come so far. I stood there looking at him with hearts in my eyes and he slowly brought his gaze to mine. “You okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I guess.” All the things Amaris said to me that made my mind go crazy started to vanish. All the concerns about Ezra only being eighteen and not ready for a family or a life with me were replaced by the feeling I got in my gut when I was around him. “I just came from talking to Amaris.”
“Oh…is she cool with you not wanting to do the foster parent thing?” He asked.
“She doesn’t have a choice.” I set my bag down at the front desk and walked over to him. He offered me the glass jar and I dipped the tip of my nose inside. It smelled beautiful. Like roses and sugar.
“I think I have this blend down. I’m getting ready to write the recipe down.”
“What’s it called?” I smiled at him as he pulled out a pen and pad of paper.
“Solana.”
“You’re so sweet, Ezra. I don’t know how I ended up with you but the universe makes no mistakes.”
“None.” He smiled up at me from his paper and I rubbed my chest hoping to ease the fluttering in my heart. “What’s really on your mind though, Solo? I know you’re thinking about something so what did Amaris say?” The longer we spent together, the easier it was for him to read me. I didn’t know if he noticed but his hands heated when he touched me too. He was so conscious of his energy that he knew exactly how to direct it and read it.
“We started talking about me and you and if you’re really ready for the possibility of me being Malachi’s legal mother.” He looked up from his writing and waited for me to finish. “I started wondering if I’m keeping you from being free.”
“Why are we talking about this again? I told you I’m ready for whatever happens. If you get custody of Malachi…”
“WhenI get custody,” I said, cutting him off.
“When you get custody of him, I’ll be right there. I’ll always be right there. Why does it matter that I’m eighteen? That won’t stop me from doing anything but buying liquor.” He put his pen and paper down then stepped toward me. “What’s the alternative if you and I aren’t together? What do we do?” He asked seriously. My heart hated the thought. It rejected it immediately filling my brain with fuzz and static. There was nothing outside of Ezra.
“I-I don’t know. I never thought about it.”
“You never thought about it because there is no other possibility for us, Solo. If we weren’t together we’d be miserable until we were together again. We’d waste so much time with people who weren’t right for us only to run into each other later and realize how goddamn stupid it was for us to walk away from what we had. Tell me you don’t know how true that is.” I was silent because he was absolutely right. “Exactly,” he said rubbing his hands over his thickening beard. “Why waste years when we got it right the first time? You think I’m going to magically turn into someone else the older I get?”
“No, but maybe you’ll gain more experience and…”
“I’m gaining the experiences I’m supposed to gain right now. Being with you is an experience. Meeting Malachi and letting him wiggle his little way into my heart is an experience. You know that. You know everything I’m saying is true. Solo, you’re scared of the future and I guess that’s an experience you have to go through.” I looked up at him with wide eyes filled with wonder. How the fuck did he get so wise?
