Page 22 of Honey Sugar
“You can cut that whining shit out. You got yourself into this. Nobody told you to run out to the car and pop pills. How many did you take?”
“Four,” I held up my fingers and he rolled his eyes then looked toward the ceiling.
“Goddamn, Ivy. You gotta cut that shit out. Come on. I’m taking you out for lunch.” He held his hand out for mine and I grabbed on. When he pulled me to my feet, my head throbbed. I pressed my fingers to my temples and shut my eyes. “That’s what your ass gets. Let’s go.” He tugged me out the back and helped me into his car.
“Titan, stop driving so fast,” I groaned when he pulled off.
“Drive faster?” He quizzed, stepping on the gas.
“Oh my god. I just want to go the fuck to sleep.”
“Woah. Look who’s dropping F-bombs. Welcome to the adult world, baby girl.” I didn’t mean to laugh but it slipped out. I didn’t regret it. I barely laughed anymore. I welcomed the sound and the feeling even though it felt like I was swimming in sedatives.
Titan reached over and patted my knee. My thighs buzzed in response. God, I wanted those wicked thoughts out of my head.
I bit the inside of my cheek and reached up to toy with my ear while he drove. He glanced at me, lowering his brows. “What’s bothering you?” Why did he have to ask me questions when I didn’t have enough of a filter to tell him the lies he needed to hear? My pulse thumped in my throat and the tips of my fingers as I rubbed my ear fervently. I moved from the top of my ear downward in a meticulous motion. Like I was praying the glossy beads of a rosary.
That’s what I needed to be doing because my thoughts were unholy.
I didn’t answer Titan. I shook my head instead of speaking because I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, words would fly out that I couldn’t take back. My eyes flitted over his full lips and jet-black silky hair. I watched the way he held onto the steering wheel and the way the cords in his forearms flexed and moved.
Lord, help me.
My cousin was painfully fine and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop myself from thinking such a screwed up thought. The Xanax wouldn’t let me. The Xanax pulled back the veil and showed all the ugly parts of me I tried to keep locked away in the closet.
“Baby girl, what’s up? You okay?” Those two words unglued me.
Baby. Girl.
“I’m fine,” I managed to say without letting the darkness blooming inside of me escape.
“Why are you fucking with your ear?”
“You are so handsome, Titan. God. I can’t stop looking at you,” I blurted like an idiot. As if that weren’t bad enough, my mouth kept rambling. “You look like some kind of exotic model.”
Stop. For the love of God, Ivy.
I waited. I wanted him to stiffen and playfully jab at me with his words. I wanted him to sayewor tell me I was tripping or whatever the hell cool ass guys like Titan said. I wanted him to say those things because it would jolt my brain back to its regular train of thought.
So I looked at him and waited and hoped and prayed.
“Thank you, darling.” He looked over and winked at me. The butterflies that were once contained in my stomach charged into my chest cavity. I jammed my finger against the button to roll the window down so I could suck in gulps of air. I wasn’t hyperventilating or anything but I needed to breathe more air than was available in Titan’s passenger seat.
“Darling?” I said with a mouth too dry to wet my lips. “Is that what you call all your girlfriends back in New Orleans?”
Titan laughed at my question but I wanted a real answer. I had to stop pushing my luck. I had to pull back and get a grip on reality. Yes, my cousin was handsome. He was more than handsome. He was fine as hell. My thoughts didn’t have to go beyond that though. There was nothing innately wrong in noticing how attractive he was. Anyone with eyes could see Titan was tall dark and handsome.
He pulled into the drive-through of a soul food spot and ordered me a fried chicken meal with a side of hushpuppies. My mouth watered when the cashier passed the bag to Titan through the driver’s side window.
We rode back to Honey Sugar in silence.
I had to get a grip on my thoughts and words.
When we walked into the sweet shop, Titan handed Mama a bag of food. When she tried to pay him for it, he turned her down. She insisted he take the cash she had folded over in her hand. He took it, added more money to it from his pocket, then sat it on top of the register while she was busy with a customer.
“You’re something else,” I chuckled once we were in the back eating.
“You know I’m not going to take money from Aunt Liv.”
