Page 21 of Honey Sugar
Nerves.
They were nerves.
“I’m stressed.”
“So?”
“So I take them when I’m stressed.”
“I saw you last night, Ivy. You could barely function once that shit got into your system. You were so out of it all you wanted to do was go to sleep. That’s not you. You’re not a fucking pill head.”
“I needed to take the edge off after what happened with Mama.”
“What was so bad about it? Huh? Tell me that? Because I saw the scratches? I used to stay with y’all in the summer. I’ve seen worse from what Uncle Beau did to her.”
“No, it wasn’t that. It was…just…” My words were halted. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. “I don’t know why Mama never talked to me about it. Why’d she keep everything from me? She never told me anything that happened behind their bedroom door. I had to lie in bed and hear it for myself every night. Not even after I helped clean up her blood, Titan. I couldn’t even get a small detail about what she went through.
Why did she talk to you and not me? I’m her daughter. All I get told is to stay in my place though.” I felt so stupid sitting there on the counter pouring my heart out and crying.
Titan’s face softened. His smoky brown skin was beautiful. I wanted to touch it. My filter was dissolving rapidly and I couldn’t figure out a good reason not to touch it so I did. I slid my fingers along his defined cheekbones and down to his beard.
“I’m not coming down on you, Titan,” I said before I pulled my hand away. When the fuck did Titan get so fine? He was always handsome but now there was an undeniable edge to him that I was sure drove girls crazy.
I shouldn’t have taken four pills.
I was dipping my toes into dangerous water.
“I know you’re not. Aunt Liv is probably just relieved to have a man in her house that won’t hit her or take advantage of her.”
“You’re probably right but why can’t she talk to me? You know how long I’ve felt invisible? I don’t mind it from Daddy but from her?
I have nightshirts with faded drops of blood on them from when he beat her ass so bad she bled a trail down the hall. I helped her. Me.” My voice wobbled no matter how much I tried to steady it. I could still smell the coppery scent of blood when I relived those moments. I could still hear her muffled sobs. Nothing is as sad as not being able to let your pain and anguish out because you’re scared it might trigger more of the same.
Titan didn’t speak a word of apologies to me. He didn’t fill my head with fluff. He wrapped me in his strong arms and hugged me so tight I didn’t have any more air in my lungs. He hugged me so tight I cried harder because I felt the shame of living under an abuser’s roof crumbling to pieces.
When my tears subsided, I felt his smooth lips against my ear. Had they always been there? Had they always been so close that I could hear his breathing like steady waves on the shore? Maybe I was crying too hard to notice before.
“Hey, look at me,” Titan pulled back and skimmed his thumb across my chin. “I’m not going to let Uncle Beau hurt you or Aunt Liv anymore. I’m here for a while. I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you.” He kissed the top of my head and I sank into the feeling of him.
The security of knowing he wouldn’t back down from Daddy and that he’d listen to me even if I came unraveled over tiny details. He’d let me be me and that felt like such a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I hugged him back and breathed in his shower-fresh scent of soap and lotion. “Go clean yourself up, Ivy. Get some water and let me take the customers until Aunt Liv gets back.” I hopped off the counter and wiped my cheeks. My legs throbbed and hummed. I pretended not to know what that feeling was.
But I knew.
I’d been with enough boys to know why my thighs were tingling and throbbing. I stuffed the realization way down deep. My chest pounded relentlessly with each step I took toward the back.
Xanax.
I was feeling that way because of the Xanax.
I guzzled three bottles of water and then peed most of them out. I still felt like I wanted to curl up and go to sleep though. When Titan came to the back, he started packing up moonshine for the line of customers gathering out back. I felt so useless.
I watched his strong arms lift box after box while I sat in a chair in the corner. I felt like I was spinning. Like I’d never stop spinning.
When customers started to die down after lunch, Titan walked over to me and folded his arms. “You need to eat something.”
“Yeah. I don’t want to move though,” I whined.
