Page 17 of Honey Sugar
“I’m trying to wrap my head around this. The fact thatyou’reTitan. Driving with one hand with all these tattoos and…this,” I reached out and let my finger skim through his beard. It was silky and thick. It made him look even more exotic.
“You haven’t gotten used to it yet?” His laugh was dry.
“Not really,” I said shifting in my seat. The Xanax dissolved in my bloodstream, loosening my joints and muscles. It was loosening my filter too. Next, it would make me drift off to sleep. I wanted to be home in my bed by the time that happened.
“Do I look totally different?” I asked, tugging on my earlobe.
“Yeah. You used to look goofy as fuck. Now you’re all grown up. You’re beautiful,” he said without looking at me once. My cheeks prickled with heat as I looked out of the window.
“Thanks.”
“You okay, baby girl?” He looked at me when we came to a red light and I met his eyes. They were so dark I could see myself in them. They were black like the night sky. Black like the bayou waters after the sun went down.
“I’m fine, Titan.” My words were slow and drowsy. He pulled into the same burger spot we used to eat at when we were little. A lazy smile hung on my lips.
I couldn’t help remembering greasy fingers and lips and our tongues turning blue from the blueberry frozen ice Mama would get us whenever Daddy wasn’t around. I let my head fall against the headrest and a sigh escaped me.
“Ivy,” Titan’s voice snapped me out of my stroll down memory lane.
“Hmm?”
“What’s going on with you?” He asked, taking the key out of the ignition.
“Nothing. Why do you think something is wrong with me?” I knew he was picking up on the fact that I was high. He sold weed. He hung around dealers. He knew exactly what it looked like when someone was high. I wasn’t stupid. I just wanted to deny it for as long as possible. I loved Titan but I didn’t want to hear him preaching.
“What are you high on?”
“I’m tired, Titan. That’s all.”
“So, I can confide in you but I don’t get the same courtesy. I got it.” He got out and I sat in the passenger seat with my arms folded, not wanting to tell him about my addiction to Xanax. My mind chewed on Titan’s words for a few moments.
He was right. He did confide in me. He confided something far deeper than a stupid pill addiction. He told me his deepest, darkest secret.
I inhaled and got out of the car. The night air was ripe with the familiar smell of the bayou and bugs creaking and humming. I followed Titan inside the burger joint and stood behind him in line. From that vantage point, I could see his glittering gold chain and the tattoos peeking from beneath his pristine white t-shirt. They were shadowy wisps curling along his skin. I stretched out my index finger to trace the ink inching onto his neck but he turned around.
Our eyes met and I felt the burn of shame creeping onto my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I blurted.
“Sorry for what?” he turned back around and looked up at the menu on the back wall.
“Not telling you. You know.”
“Nah, Idon’tknow,” he said. Sarcasm came easy for Titan. He always had a dry, witty humor about him that made me laugh even when I didn’t want to. “What do you want to eat, Ivy?”
“Just a cheeseburger and onion rings.”
“Should have known. You still get the same thing. You want a blueberry ice too?” I couldn’t help the smile that stretched across my face.
“Yeah. I’ll take one. Thank you, Titan.”
“Nah. Don’t thank me. Be real with me. That’s enough thanks right there.” The shame was back. This time it was hotter and it scraped my insides like a glowing hot spade digging for relief but causing discomfort along the way.
I stood by, quiet as a mouse while he placed our orders. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a thick stack of cash that made my eyes wide and round. I was beyond sleepy at that point so it was quite the feat.
Titan paid for our food and then we walked outside to the car. The minute the door closed and we were shut off from the rest of the world, I turned to him and said, “I take Xanax to help me relax when I get home from work. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes I pop a whiskey candy to bump up the effect.”
“You got a prescription for those?” He started the car and pulled off taking his time down the roads.
“Yes, I have a prescription, Titan.” I folded my arms and looked out of the window at the stars twinkling above me. He didn’t say another word about it. He was quiet the entire ride home. It wasn’t unusual for Titan to be quiet. He was quiet by nature but that kind of silence felt different. It felt like he wasn’t happy with me and for some reason, it ate away at my insides.
