Page 96 of Across The Stars
“The two of us were put into stasis together,” he continued. “Orli, after only a few cycles, was pulled out. She was a primecandidate for study. Back then, we were artificially inseminating our own kind, attempting to bring infants to term, but it was unnatural. There were a lot of miscarriages, still-births, and complications for the mothers.”
I was shaking, somehow suspecting where things were going. “What happened to her?”
“I woke up long after her to work in the military. They needed people like me to drive the gek back. To do dangerous things that valuable candidates for study were too important to do. Orli was gone and so was the child. It failed… and I lost her. She was one of thousands. She’d been dead for years before I woke up.
He said everything with a hardened expression on his face like it was rehearsed and the emotions he would have felt had been exhausted. I let his words turn over and over in my head and listened to them repeat until I fully understood them. It was a lot. Everything was a lot. My chest tightened with grief and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
“So… you don’t want to lose me?” I asked. “Like you lost her?”
“Losing her wasn’t worth the risk of a child,” he said in a near whisper. “I would have told her that if I wasn’t sleeping through the whole thing. When things between us started to progress, the idea of pregnancy became more real. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I didn’t get to choose with Orli.”
“But you chose this time. You left me here. You tookmychoice. You should have told me all of this.”
“Would you have taken the risk?”
“No. I wouldn’t. To be honest, I’m not going to endanger myself to have a baby. But we could have talked about ways around it. Instead, I’ve been half of myself these past months because you left.”
“And I’ve been half of myself because I left you,” he said softly. “If you were smart, you’d go back out there and keep training. Keep working. Keep meeting men like Omar. If you were really smart, you’d return to Earth. And if I were selfless, I’d demand you do just that and I would leave you all over again. But… I’m here now and…”
He hesitated.
I was so screwed. My head had been righting itself over the months we’d been apart and now all the nails were coming loose again. Slowly, I turned from him, a little numb and in a daze.
“I should be smart then,” I said under my breath.
He didn’t come after me. So, I guess he was being selfless.
I escorted the load of syfer cannisters out of the Irlos and to the loading dock where everyone was still at work and oblivious to the things I’d just done with Vahko. I delivered the cart to the people transporting them to engineering and then looked back to see Vahko stepping off the ship, helmet back on.
“That was weird,” Omar said, jogging up to me. “The thing with the door. Was it weird to be trapped on a valerian ship?” he laughed. “Well, after being on Sylos, maybe not.”
I faked a chuckle but didn’t answer as he slung his arm around me and headed across the loading dock to the lifts. When we got there, there was nothing to do but stand while we waited for one to arrive, so I glanced back again. Vahko was speaking with one of the shift leads and once he was done, he and Salukh started heading back to the ship, about to leave.
I’d see him again, sure. Since I was allowed to stay on the Nexus, our paths were bound to cross plenty of times. But did I want our paths to just cross now and then?
My heart punched me so hard in the chest that I almost stopped breathing. I couldn’t let him leave me there. I couldn’t let him walk away again with that bogus notion in his head that leaving me behind was best for me. He didn’t know shit. Nope.
“Hey,” I said to Omar. “If you fell in love with someone… like… a celebrity or something—someone off limits or maybe really out of your league—would you still go for it?”
“Hell yeah,” he answered without hesitation. “No one is out of your league unlessyouthink they are.”
“What if being with them could be totally dangerous… but also it could fulfill all your wildest dreams?”
“Hell yeah,” he said again. “That’s not a question.”
“What if they tried to break up with you because they thought it would protect you?”
“That’s bullshit. I’d march up to them and tell them what’s up. My choice, you know? Why the crash-course on relationship questions? You have someone in mind or—”
I shrugged off Omar’s arm and started walking back, my pace brisk and direct. Vahko was on the ramp, his men a few strides ahead of him. There were people everywhere and most of them didn’t know about us or the real details of the surge. So what the hell was I thinking?
“Vahko!” I called out.
He stopped and turned to face me, immediately taking a couple steps down the ramp in my direction as if hopeful. When he saw me walking toward him, tears already in my eyes again, his hands went straight to his helmet.
Valerians didn’t remove their helmets on the Nexus. According to most, they couldn’t comfortably breathe our air. But I knew they could. The helmets were just for show and when Vahko removed his, revealing his face to everyone on that dock, the decision was made. If he wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, then I shouldn’t have been either. I jogged the rest of the way toward him, watching as he dropped his helmet to the floor. When I reached him, I jumped up on my toes and I kissed him.
Damn all observing eyes. I didn’t care anymore.
