Page 87 of Sins of the Flesh
“I know about the message, he called and told me.That's why I'm here,” I lift my head in surprise.“He still cares about you, Caleb.”Ally says, with a small smile.
I raise my eyebrows, does he?He called Ally to check on me.A small part of my broken heart thrums to life.It's just a spark but that tiny bit of hope is enough to warm me.Something I haven't felt in a long time.
“Thank you for telling me that,” I whisper, staring back at my hands in my lap and choking up from the warmth that comes over me.
“So what's the plan now, Caleb?”She asks.“You can't just give up.I know it's your first heartbreak, but you have had enough time to wallow.You have people who are counting on you.Your parishioners, your children, and your friends.”She says, squeezing my knee and quirking her brow to indicate herself.The guilt overcomes me; I have let everyone down.I have been so damned selfish, drowning myself in my sorrow.
“I just don't know what to do,” I say, the despair creeping in again.
“That's why you have me.I'll help you figure it out,” Ally says as she sits on the arm of the chair and embraces me.I pat her arm, snuggling into her chest.
“Thank you, Ally.”I whisper.
Fifty
Cole
I Miss You - Blink 182
S
o…I ran because of course I did.It's been 8 months since that day at Caleb's house.When I realized I was the bad guy, somehow it got harder to share a town with him.The intense guilt from knowing I caused him to spiral simply because of my own fears and insecurities was daunting.
That same day I applied to college.It should make me happy, it's everything I wanted for years.In college for business management so I can open my own carpentry business just like Dad and free to just be me.
But I’m here under false pretenses.Punishing myself for hurting the man I love.Forcing myself to get over him and move on.If only it were that easy.
Knowing Caleb didn't poison me means whoever did might still be lurking around Baylee.Combine that with my guilt and here I am hoping 2 years will be enough time away to fix everything I broke.
I have been addressing my guilt with my therapist and she thinks it's so overwhelming because I put Caleb on such a high pedestal.But why shouldn't I?He is the kindest man I have ever known.Unlike me.
Part of my resolve to move on is to date, so I pull up the dating app I downloaded and start swiping mindlessly.It's hard to stay focused and I find myself rejecting guys because they don’t remind me of Caleb.I let out a frustrated breath, okay I need to focus.
I swipe and hey this guy has potential.He is average looking, brown hair and eyes, 22 attends my college and a business major.I swipe right and within seconds Adam matches me.I pull up the chat and we plan a date for the following night at a local college bar.
The next evening, I find myself standing outside the bar, my palms sweaty and my heart racing.I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.This is what normal 20 somethings do, right?Go on dates, meet new people, move on from impossible loves.
I spot Adam waiting near the entrance, looking just like his profile picture.He smiles and waves as I approach."Cole, right?Nice to meet you."He puts out his hand so I can shake it and we head inside to grab a table.
The conversation flows easily enough as we discuss classes and our shared interest in business.Adam is nice, funny even.But as I sip my beer, I can't help but notice how the dim lighting fails to bring out the warmth in his brown eyes the way it did with Caleb's.How his laugh, while pleasant, doesn't make my heart skip a beat.
"So what made you decide to come to school here?”Adam asks.I hesitate, unsure how much to reveal.
"I, uh, needed a change of scenery," I say finally."Small town life was getting a bit…claustrophobic."Adam nods sympathetically.
"I get that.I'm from a tiny place in Nebraska myself.Couldn't wait to get out."
As he launches into a story about his hometown, I find my mind drifting.I wonder what Caleb is doing right now.Is he thinking of me at all?Has he moved on?The thought sends a sharp pang through my chest.
"Cole?You still with me?"Adam's voice snaps me back to the present.
"Sorry," I mumble, feeling guilty."Just, uh, got distracted for a sec."Adam gives me an understanding smile.
"No worries.First date jitters, right?"I force a laugh.
"Yeah, something like that."
After a few hours Adam offers to walk me back to my dorm and I agree.I have to try to move on and this is what it looks like right?Adam grabs my hand lacing our fingers together as we walk the short distance to my dorm.
