Page 82 of Sins of the Flesh
Today is much like the rest.I wander the lonely halls of the church and the silence is deafening.When I step into the breakroom for my morning coffee and look at the chair he always sat in the memories of his beautiful smile, laugh and teasing flood me.The ache forces me to look away but the memories persist.
My favorite moments were when Cole would moan about the different foods I would bring for him to try.He never knew but I brought him lunch everyday on purpose.I loved his reactions but making sure he ate lunch everyday filled a part of me that needed to care for him.
I reach out to run my fingers on the chair as if his essence is still there and the ghost of him fades like dust in the wind along with his smiles and our laughter.
The ache never ends, only deepens as I wander down the halls aimlessly and I’m bombarded with memories of our first kiss.His body pressed to mine as his tentative lips connected to my mouth.
As much as I thought I didn’t want that kiss then, now I fucking crave it.I sigh and my feet move on autopilot until I find myself in the kitchen.The sight of Cole’s undisturbed workbench nearly knocks the wind right out of me.The biggest reminder that he was once here.
I fall to my knees in front of it as my tears fall unbidden.My anguish chokes me as I let the pain bleed from my eyes.I look over at the metal prep table and remember that was the first time I called him Angel.
“My Angel,” the beautiful boy with gem-like eyes.I lay on the floor on my side as the tears and shuddering overtakes me.I miss him but more than that he was my lifeline.My connection to a part of myself I may have never known without him.He filled me up heart and soul and when he left he took both with him.
“Caleb?”I hear a feminine voice call in my depressive tear soaked haze.I don't answer what difference would it make if I did?“Caleb?”The voice is closer and clouded with concern as a small hand touches my shoulder.“My God Caleb what happened?”I just shake my head.Ally shifts until she's sitting on the floor beside my head running her fingers through my hair while I sniffle.
After several minutes I croak, “I could almost pretend he never existed.”I choke.“But not in here.”Another tear slides down my cheek and I shudder.
“What can I do to help?”She whispers her voice full of compassion.No one cares about people in the same way Ally always has.A cheerleader, a fierce protector and a compassionate friend.I shrug not knowing if she even saw it.“How about we call a contractor and get the kitchen done?”The thought of that hurts worse than I thought it would but she's probably right, putting these ghosts to rest may be the only way I make it through this.
A week later I’ve hired a contractor and they are hard at work.I don't even care what they do at this point, when they are here I stay in my office avoiding the kitchen as the contractors tear apart the memories I shared with Cole.
A knock on my door frame makes my head snap up for a second.I irrationally hoped it was him.“Excuse me Mr.Nichols, where did you want us to put the old prep table?”My heart constricts, I know I should let it go but I just can't.
“Please leave it.”I say quietly.
“You sure?”The guy asks his eyebrow quirked.I nod staring down at my hands.“You got it boss man.”I immediately cringe at the ache that surges.
“Please address me as Mr.Nichols, nothing else.”I grumble.The guy stares at me with a frown and shrugs walking away.And I let out a breath leaning against my desk chair raking my fingers through my hair.“Fuck.”I breathe.I don't even want these people here, just being around them is another reminder of what I lost.
I swiftly stand from my seat and stomp out of the building, rounding it until I reach my front door.Flashes of Cole standing at my front door with a smile bombard me and I grip the side of my head, when will this torture stop?!
I push through the door rushing to my home office, the only place Cole never went.I sit in the desk chair and open the bottom drawer pulling out a bottle of whiskey.I rarely drink but I feel like now is a good time for it.
I take a swig and it burns down my throat.The physical pain welcome over the emotional torment.My body warms instantly.I take another swig, then another and another until my brain goes fuzzy and my body is warm.My thoughts become slow and sluggish.This is exactly what I needed, I sigh resting my head on my office chair and fade into darkness.
Forty-Seven
Caleb
Little One - Highly Suspect
I
have found that whiskey helps.When my thoughts and pain become too much I pull out the bottle and drink until it all goes quiet again.When I am at the church I can’t access the whiskey though so the pain follows me around like a bully.Pushing me to feel the deep agony at every turn.
At first I had a small glimmer of hope that Cole would be at Sunday services.Why I thought something so foolish, I can only blame the broken organ pumping in my chest.
His mother and Mason don’t attend anymore either.It's like every link to him one by one is being pulled from my life day by day.
Walking through the chapel I stare up at the stage trying to remember anything but him writhing beneath me as I claimed his virginity.The sweet tears that fell from his eyes afterwards because I made his first time perfect for him.I would do anything for him, even this fucking daily torture.
I canceled confessions because even there he doesn’t let my weary soul rest, but today I stepped into the confessional booth like a masochist looking for the pain I knew would slice through me.I was right the agony was visceral as his ghost haunted me again in this small space suffocating me as I sobbed.
I swig the whiskey bottle one last time and stumble to my bed.Most nights I fall asleep in my office chair but tonight I beat the haze.Thankfully I’m too fucked up to think about Cole in my bed.My face hits the pillow and within minutes I’m out.
His moans pull my eyes open.I can feel his tight hole wrapped around my cock as he rocks on me.I reach up my hand to cup his face “Angel you're here.”I breathe my chest swelling with so much joy.His sweet smile fades suddenly and dark circles materialize under his now yellowed skin and eyes.
“Why Caleb?!”He screams, his face inches from mine.
