Page 36 of Enamored
“Tristan,” I breathe. “I’m so happy to hear your voice. I miss you so much.” Relief washes over me. I’ve been anxious all day, and hearing his voice settles me. When he doesn’t respond, I continue. “She loved it. She absolutely loved all my designs.” I can’t keep the smile from my face.
“That’s great. I’m happy for you.”
“Yes. She has a friend that works for a fashion magazine who wants to do a showcase piece on my remodel for her next issue.Smith and Quill Designsis going to be huge. They will probably have to open more offices in order to keep up!”
I pace around my room, unable to contain my excitement. I’ve tried sitting and being calm, but I’m not able to. I want to dance and shout from the rooftops.I’m in England. Maybe I can pretend to be a chimney sweep like in Mary Poppins.
“Wow, that’s awesome,” he says. Except it doesn’t sound like it’s awesome. It sounds like something is seriously wrong.
My mood changes instantly. “Tristan, what’s wrong?”
He takes a deep breath and pushes it out. “Nothing. I’ve had a long day, and I barely slept last night. I had a lot on my mind.” He attempts to lighten his tone. “I’m happy for you.” The silence stretches between us before he says, “Anything else you want to tell me?”
Do I? I mean, besides getting a positive pregnancy test, but I have no idea what I’m doing about that. I rub my still flat belly and look down at it. I still need to confirm the test was accurate. Maybe the tests were bad. “No,” I say, dragging the word out. “Not that I can think of.”
“Okay,” he answers matter-of-factly. “I’ve got to go. Have a safe flight tomorrow.”
That’s it?No,I’ll talk to you tomorrow? No,we will work on a long-distance relationship shit? He hangs up before I can respond, and I stare at my phone in disbelief until the screen goes dark. My mind runs in circles as I run through the conversation.He must be tired,the voice of reason pipes up. We’ve told one another we love each other, and I am trying to find a way for us to make things work. He knows that.
What is he doing to make things work?That quiet voice of insecurity sneaks in, and now I’m contemplating what exactly he would be giving up. I’m the one who would have to move for him. I’m the one who would have to find a new job. I’m the one to leave friends and family if we are going to make this work.
It’s me. I have to give up everything for him.
Maybe I don’t want to give up my entire life for him and this baby. I like my life just the way it is. I don’t need this baby messing anything up. Tristan and I are already struggling to make things work; adding a baby into the mix seems like a disaster.
I place my hands over my stomach and rub. It’s crazy to think there is a little baby growing inside me. I’d never know except for my boobs hurt like a bitch, and I alternate between starving and being sick. I haven’t told my parents yet because I want bloodwork to prove it. Although, after some online research, there is no way to get a false positive. It just doesn’t happen.
As soon as I get back home, I’m getting the bloodwork to prove it.
* * *
I’ve been staring at a wall since the nurse from my doctor’s office called to congratulate me on my upcoming baby. I have to call my OB and make an appointment, but I can’t drag myself to do it. I would never abort, and this baby will be loved and cherished, even if his or her dad isn’t in the picture. I can’t imagine Tristan not being part of their lives, but since it’s been a week since he’s talked with me, I have to assume he doesn’t want me.
Since he won’t answer any of my calls, Eloise had to call and try to speak with him. He wouldn’t answer her call either, so I had to call Steve for an update. Seems they have run into a little bout of trouble with some pipes where the foundation is supposed to go, but it shouldn’t take them too long to correct it.
I just want to drink.I do the next best thing and pull a tub ofBen and Jerry’s Phish Foodfrom my freezer. I dig in while watching a cheesy romantic comedy. Except what should be funny is actually sad and depressing. I spend the rest of my evening crying as I stuff my face. I look down at my phone when it lights up, and Holden’s name comes up.
“What?” I answer, my mouth full of ice cream.
“What happened between you and Tristan?”
He’s going to try to blame this on me?I go on the defense, my shoulders rising to my ears as I put the ice cream down on the counter with a little too much force. The spoon jumps out of the container and lands on the carpet. “What didIdo?” I scoff. “Ask your buddy. I didn’t do a damned thing. He’s the one who won’t answer my calls or texts.”
“When I asked, he said to ask you because you’re the one with all the secrets.”
I throw my hands up. “What the fuck is he talking about? He’s the one who’s being secretive. I’ve tried to talk to him. I’ve tried to figure out what Ipossiblydid now that he won’t talk to me.”
I hear rustling on the other end of the phone, and Tristan’s voice comes on. “You didn’t tell me you were pregnant. That’s what you did wrong,” he yells into the phone.
Everything comes to a stop. I take a deep breath in, but I have to fight to release it. My hands shake, and the television goes silent. All I can hear is his steady breathing on the other end of the line.
“How’d you know?” I whisper.
“Whose is it?” he asks, venom dripping from his words. His speech is slurred.
Did he seriously just ask me that?The tears fall down my cheeks as I take in a breath to be able to answer him. I open my mouth and close it twice before I’m able to squeak a response past my dry throat. “You seriously think it’s anyone but yours?” I guess I really am doing this alone. I straighten my spine and wipe my tears. I’m pissed. “Go to hell, Tristan. I don’t want you to have any part of this baby’s life. For all he or she will know, you were an anonymous sperm donor. Don’t call, don’t check in on me. We’ll be just fine without you.”
I hang up the phone. The hurt at his words cuts deep. I feel raw, lifeless after our brief conversation. The noise from the TV slowly comes back, and the red haze around my vision dissipates as my body relaxes again.
