Page 103 of Finding Jacob
“I don’t know what to do. I had a chat with Nathan and... He loves me and it would be so easy with him, but I don’t love him, I love Jacob,” I rambled on. “Fuck it, Dory. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to Sandbanks tomorrow for a long weekend away. I wanted some time to think and perhaps resign myself to moving forwards without him.”
“Oh, my love. I wish I was there. I can fly back tomorrow,” she said.
“God, no. Don’t do that. Please. I’m fine and yes, I should reply. I guess it just took me so much by surprise.”
“What did he say?” she asked.
I repeated the text.
“No, he doesn’t deserve you, so glad he recognises that! Reply, darling. Don’t leave it. He is the father of your child. Even if the relationship is over, he’ll always be in your life because of Paloma. I miss her soooo much! Now, reply, text me that you have, will you?”
“I will. And Paloma misses her godmother as well. Which reminds me, we have to nail down dates for her christening. Go back to bed, Dory, I’ll text you tomorrow.”
We said goodnight but not before she made me promise to reply to him again.
It’s so good to hear from you, Jacob. Paloma and I miss you dreadfully.I back spaced and started again.
It’s so good to hear from you, Jacob. I’m sorry not to have texted today, but I can catch you up on news now. Paloma and I are off to Sandgate for a weekend break, just me and her. I want to sit on the beach and read. I think she has a tooth coming through, she’s been a little grumpy and it doesn’t help that it’s been so warm here. She’s eating ‘proper’ food now, still has her bottle at night and is growing. She’s going to be tall, and she looks so much like you. I hope you got the photograph I sent.
I hope the weather is nice where you are and that you’re getting out. Sadie and Bill send their love and hugs, as does Nathan. We all look forward to you coming home when you’re ready.
I read back over what I’d typed. I’d purposely not responded to the ‘don’t deserve you’ bit and hadn’t added any detail of what happened in court. He would have been told the outcome and all my previous text messages had been about Paloma. My last sentence was one I added all the time, but I left one line out. I went back to add it.
We love you, Jacob, sleep well xxx
He didn’t reply, but I saw the tick to say it had been sent, the second to say it had been received, then it turned blue indicating it had been read.
They give me hopehe’d said. Hope for what? Hope for a future with us? Hope that he could return to us? Or hope that we were moving on with our lives?
I didn’t sleep one wink that night. I tortured myself over the meaning of his words to the point that I wished he hadn’t sent them. I also debated whether to tell Nathan or not. After hisconfession,would he be upset that Jacob had decided right now to make contact?
I got up. There was absolutely no point in me lying there twisting myself into knots. I walked next door to Paloma’s room. She had moved into her cot and was loving it. She had been the most amazing baby. Although we had been on a four hourly schedule to start with, it wasn’t long before she was sleeping most of the night. She would have her last bottle at about eleven in the evening, then sleep right through until six or sometimes seven in the morning.
I leaned over her cot; she lay on her back with her arms over her head. Her hands were closed into fists, she looked like the little fighter I thought she’d be from all the kicking and punching in my stomach.
I left her sleeping and headed to my shower. Although Sandgate was only a couple of hours away, I wanted to get an early start. I would feed Paloma and then once she was ready and I’d packed up the car, I’d leave. Sadie had said she’d get some food items ready for me, so I didn’t have to shop, but I also intended to just eat fish and chips on the beach, snack, and maybe call for a takeaway. I hadn’t had one of those weekends to myself for many years.
The car was packed, and Nathan stood on the drive. “Text me when you get there, won’t you?” he asked.
I kissed his cheek. “I’m going two hours away, that’s all. I’ve driven to Scotland on my own before.”
“Yeah, well, that was before my time, so just do me a favour and text when you get there, okay?” He tried to look stern.
I smiled. “You’re too good to me, you know that? Are you mad that I’m running away for the weekend?”
“Yes, and no. You deserve it. You need it. Just make sure you take the time to chill and don’t stress over anything.”
“Jacob texted me last night,” I said, changing my mind on not wanting to tell him.
“He did? Why didn’t you say?”
“I don’t know. I was pretty shocked to be honest. It was late, gone midnight. He said he knew he didn’t deserve me, and he missed my texts. I didn’t send him a message yesterday.”
Nathan took a deep breath and looked over my head. I placed my hand on his chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you straightaway.”
He turned his attention back to me. “What did you reply?”
“I caught him up on news about Paloma, told him I was away for the weekend and that we send him love and hugs.”
