Page 100 of Finding Jacob
“I don’t think so. People often think we’re a couple,” I said, smiling at him. “Best friends.” I raised my glass to him, but he didn’t return the gesture.
He didn’t smile, either. “Have I said something wrong?” I asked.
“No. Anna, Jacob doesn’t deserve you. I see you hurt and all the messages you send him he doesn’t reply to. He reads them, I’m sure. I know he has his issues to deal with, but he could have done that with us by his side. You’re pretending to be happy, to be getting on with life, but you’re a shadow of your former self, and that hurts me. So, yes, best friends. I wish it wasn’t, I wish it was something else, but if that is all I have, then I’ll take it.”
It really was awkward then. I reached over to take his hand in mine.
“I don’t know what to say. I love you but not in the way you need me to. There are times when I wish I felt different.” I decided to be totally honest with him. “I guessed I’ve always known how you felt and it’s pretty selfish of me not to want that to change. I want you in my life, but I don’t want to hurt you, Nathan. I just don’t know what to do now.”
“Don’t do anything. Not yet. My feelings won’t change, but I’m not going to do anything about them. Maybe, in the future... Who knows? What I’d hate, though, Anna, is if this changes us. I will always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Could you promise me one thing?” I asked, and he nodded. “If you fell in love with someone else, you’d take that opportunity. Can you promise me you would do that?”
“No, I can’t promise that. But know this. I’m happy. I like my life and I have no intention of changing it. I’m angry for you, at him now, and I’m not leaving your side, whatever happens with you and Jacob.”
“Does he know how you feel?” I asked.
“Yep. He told me, initially, that I was to tell you and if you chose to be with me, he’d keep away. I said, if you chose to be with him, I wasn’t going anywhere.”
I frowned. “When did he say this?”
“Before he said you were not to visit him. He wanted you to have a life he felt he couldn’t offer anymore.”
“Why wasn’t I told this?”
“Because it was bullshit, said in the heat of pain and depression and I know he doesn’t mean it. He loves you. And one day, if you accept him back, he will return. In the meantime, he’s just fucking you around and he doesn’t realise it.”
There was an angry tone to his voice, his jaw had gone rigid. He had to take a breath to steady himself and it was only after that, his features softened.
It was the first time I’d heard him speak badly of Jacob, and it saddened me. “He’s your friend, Nathan.”
“And he’ll always be my friend. He saved my life once, so I’ll always be indebted to him. He’s like a brother. But I don’t have to like everything he does, especially when, for the second time, he’s hurting someone I love.”
“For the second time?”
“He gave my sister an ultimatum once. He wanted her to live in Spain, raise their kids there. He thought it was safer. He was going to build a new house on some land he owned. In the meantime, they moved into the small farmhouse. She wasn’t happy out there. She didn’t speak the language, it was so remote, and she didn’t drive. She felt cut off. And then one day, while he was flying all over the world, someone burned the house to the ground with her in it. She died a horrible death, Anna.”
“That’s the photograph, isn’t it?” I remembered back to that first date when I’d looked at the wreck of a house and called the image tragic. I hadn’t realised just how tragic it was.
“Yeah, he keeps that image around to remind him of what he did. He can’t let it go that he made a bad call. I think that’s what is influencing him now. He wants you to have a good life and not be burdened by him.”
“How would he be a burden to me?”
“He needs help getting dressed, bathing, he can’t cope with that. He hates his body with such a passion. He’s transferring that hate into his rehab, which is a good thing, but he’s so single-minded about it. He won’t let any of us in for now, and he hopes that we’ll forgive him when he’s ready.”
“Can you? Can you forgive him?” I asked.
Nathan sighed. “Yes, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to.”
“I feel the same. We both love him, Nathan, and for now, we both have to just struggle along until we have any kind of idea when, if, he’ll return. How I, or you, will feel then, we won’t know just yet.”
“You’re in limbo, aren’t you?” he said gently.
“Yes and no. I’m selling the business, not because I can’t manage, but I can’t manage,” I said, laughing. “Things would be easier for sure, if he were here, and I hate relying on you and Sadie as much as I do, but also, I want to be a full-time mummy to her. I never thought that would be me, but...” I smiled at her staring up at Nathan. I didn’t need to explain, I was sure he understood.
“If it’s worth anything, I think you’re doing the right thing.”
We fell silent for a little while, just finishing our drinks, comfortable in each other’s company.
