Page 1 of Tis the Season for Tentacles
Chapter One
Chronicles of Chaos: An Informal Record of Life Aboard the Sleigh Belle
Stardate: 78384.8
Origin: Helgar’s Nebula
Destination: Earth
Yet again, I have been overruled by my crewmates. Logic and reasoning are far from their minds when concocting new “adventures.” In particular, their fanatical obsession with all things “Christmas” has not abated over the last two years. If anything, it’s gotten worse. After our captain and his human partner got married on Christmas last year, they’ve been bound and determined to celebrate the holiday–and their first anniversary–in full festive style. Our ship’s engineer is also enthusiastic about this plan. There is but one problem.
They have decided to return to Earth. Again.
In order to procure, what will no doubt be, a metric ton of decorations to adorn the interior of our once majestic ship. Andwith no concern about the Alliance capturing and imprisoning us for illegal trespassing.
Fuck my life.
— Najar Mezdel, First Lieutenant and Voice of Reason on the Sleigh Belle
NAJAR
“Why did I agree to go along with this ludicrous plan?” My tentacles twitch in agitation.
“Because you love us?” Luna says around a candy cane that our captain’s human husband, Sasha, acquired on his first trip into a nearby human town.
He’s now on his fourth run to the store.
My best friend and our ship’s captain, Khephren, waves his bright pink tentacles in the air. “Ooh! Because you’ve finally found your Christmas spirit. It’s infectious, isn’t it?”
He beams at me and I sigh.
Luna’s droid, Rambo, lets out several beeps and says, “Why so serious?”
He only talks in human movie lines thanks to Luna’s programming. Naturally, Sasha—a filmmaker and self-proclaimed cinephile—loves this, as do my movie-obsessed Dravethian friends.
I, however, wish there was a mute button on the little robot.
Two of my tentacles rub my temples, where I swear I can feel the beginnings of a headache forming.
“We’ve been here too long already. It’s only a matter of time before the Alliance discovers our presence. We don’t have the clearance to be here,” I remind them all for the umpteenth time.
Luna, evidently tired of sucking on her candy cane, takes a vicious crunching bite out of it. “Lighten up, dude. Rambo’s right. You’re far too serious.”
Khephren, who’s wearing the ridiculous elf hat Sasha gave him when they first met, chortles smugly and waves an admonishing tentacle at me. “Don’t underestimate my skills, my good man. I have spent months calibrating our cloaking device. We got past the Alliance atmospheric sensors without registering as so much as a blip on their radars. There’s no way they even know we’re here.”
Thankfully, Kheph did have the common sense to land out in the middle of the desert, far away from human eyes. That’s the one saving grace in all of this.
He also made a small automobile-like device with its own cloaking mechanism for Sasha to drive into towns and purchase the goods we need.
Or rather, the frivolous Christmas items my crewmates consider necessities.
Luna finishes off her candy cane. “Sasha should be back soon and we can be on our way. In and out in no time flat.”
The vehicle Kheph made for Sasha does travel faster than most things on this planet, so it has sped up the process quite a bit. The problem is that it’s small, meaning there’s only so much stuff that can fit inside and be transported safely. Hence Sasha’s multiple trips to the store.
I thought we had plenty after the first shopping round, but I was overruled.
By now, several trips in, the interior of the ship has become almost unrecognizable.
