Page 32 of The Heart Of A Real Woman
“I love Jr. like he’s mine. You know that. From the minute I came into his life, I gave him everything I had. And I’d do it all over again without hesitation.” I said, my voice shaking.
“But it still hurt watching you with a child I didn’t birth, knowing I couldn’t give you what the next woman already had…what another woman could. I raised him, kissed his scraped knees, stayed up with him when he was sick, held him through nightmares, and still, I needed more. I needed my own. But I…I couldn’t have my own. That shit broke me in ways I never said out loud. My body betrayed me.”
I paused, swallowing back the sob that burned in my throat.
“So, no, I didn’t want to talk. I couldn’t tell you all of that because I didn’t want you to think the worst of me. But it hurt. It hurt bad. And when you can’t find the words to speak, you keep that shit bottled up. You grow bitter and silently grieve.”
I shot up, unable to sit in the weight of it any longer. Talking about my insecurities laid me bare in a way I wasn’t ready for.
Depression had been gripping me for a while. So much so that I had to step away from work. Everything in my life had come to a standstill. Depression isn’t some switch you can just flip off when you feel like it. It lingers. It consumes you and spreads, quietly taking over every part of your life.
Standing at the water’s edge, I stared into the darkness, desperately trying to escape the pain. But nothing seemed to ease it. It wasn’t until Moses suddenly wrapped his arms around me from behind that I found comfort. And despite everything, the betrayal…the silence…the distance, I melted into him. Because even though he had hurt me, my heart needed him while it was breaking apart.
“I’m sorry, baby. I ain’t even look at it like that.” He whispered against my ear. “I didn’t know you were carrying all that.”
He kissed the side of my face.
“But I need you to know something. You perfect to me. And that’s not me tryna brush off how you feel or walk over what you've been through. I swear I get it now. I get why you pulled back… why you shut down. But to me…you still everything.
You always been. Since the day I met you, something about you just felt right. And I was right. You loved and raised my son when you didn’t have to. You held me down when I didn’t even know how to be held. And even though you couldn’t give me a baby right away, you still gave me life. You birthed something in me I didn’t know I had. You breathe life into me every time you love me.”
His words settled into the parts of me that had gone cold, and I nodded because I needed that from him.
“You know what? Fuck how I felt.” He went on as he turned me around.
“Just know I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my fucking heart. I’m sorry I couldn’t see past my own shit to be more supportive, and I’m sorry for what I did to you. But I swear on our kids, I never touched Kelis. It was just conversation. That’s all it ever was. I could never do that to you. Everything I am belongs to you. My dick? Yours. My heart…my soul, yours. No other bitch could ever have me the way you do, Mary.”
Something in me caved, and I believed him wholeheartedly. “I hear you.”
“Our story ain’t over. I can’t lose you. I need you. You my rock, Mary. You all I got. You know that.”
“I do,” I bowed my head as the tears continued to fall. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the pregnancy. That was selfish of me.”
“It’s all good. Pick your head up.” Moses gently grabbed my face, making me look him dead in the eyes.
“I don’t want you stressed while carrying our baby. The doctors said it might happen naturally in due time, and it did. We got blessed, and I don’t want shit interfering with that. So, just chill, aight?”
“Okay,”
Moses pressed his forehead to mine, and my heart damn near leapt. It was like time froze, and for a moment, my pain completely faded. Just feeling his body close to mine took me back to that magical place only we knew.
“You my rib.” He said, his voice thick with emotion.
I took a deep breath as he massaged my shoulders, his touch soft but heavy with everything unsaid.
“I don’t know if a divorce was ever what I truly wanted,” I admitted to him. “I think… I think I just wanted you to feel what I felt. Pain.”
“I feel it, baby. Every damn day. Told you I’m dyin’ without yo’ ass. I need you back home.”
“Then I’m coming.”
“For real?”
“Yeah. I’ve been dying without you too.”
Moses kissed my lips before walking me to the table, so we could finish eating. We sat and ate for an hour while watching the moonlight. It was refreshing. Once we finished, he pulled me into his lap, and my head found that familiar spot on his chest. And without thinking, I whispered,
“I can always feel how gutted you are… by the beat of your heart. You know that?”
