Page 51 of Where Are You Now
She opened the attachment in his email that outlined the new structure and philosophies for what he wanted from various teams. His approach was decent, but not out of the ordinary. The old Ava would’ve even ventured to call his suggestion boring. Her vision would’ve knocked their socksoff. But maybe McGregor didn’t need that much change. Were her ideas too aggressive?
She sent a message back, thanking him, and then stared at the computer screen.
Would she be a success working under Scott Strobel? Would his more traditional viewpoint end up turning her off? In the everything-happens-for-a-reason scenario, Ava was baffled as to the purpose of the accident. It had disrupted everything she’d worked for. Did God have some big plan for her life, or was she supposed to flounder around, trying to figure out what was meant for her? She had to be able to thrive under Scott, but their styles were very different. If she wasn’t inspired, with nowhere to go but her current position, would she lose steam?
She opened up the search engine on her mom’s laptop and typed:What job should I do with marketing experience when I don’t know what I want?
A few career quizzes came up, along with articles containing lists of tasks. She scrolled through them, butnone of the options hit the mark: update your resume, take courses, build your portfolio …
She clicked off the screen and closed the laptop.
What had gotten her into marketing in the first place? It was her love of numbers and how she got to build creative elements that made people feel things. She loved the thrill of assigning a scale to how well she could make a person emote with her ad copy. But what was the underlying motivation?
She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew what it probably was: control. Ava had a deep-seated need for control. And right now, she’d lost it.
She opened the laptop again and searched:Why do people need to be in control?
She scrolled through the answers. Controlling upbringing? That wasn’t her. A need to feel better than someone else?That wasn’t it either. The third reason, however, stopped her: traumatic past experiences. She’d latched on to this need to be a success when her dad died. It was as if, without him to support her, she’d gone into overdrive.
Had she been given a second chance to manage her unresolved feelings over her dad? Suddenly, like a ton of bricks, it hit her: That was why she hadn’t seen him—because she’d never have chosen to come back if he’d been there. She’d have left it all behind and stayed with him, but maybe she needed to find out who she really was without him. Also, her mom would have lost both the people she loved. And Ava wouldn’t have ever spent time with her mother the way she had in the last few weeks.
She’d missed out on so many opportunities over the years to be close to her mom. Now, it was as if her dad had stepped out of the way so she and her mom could be together, uninterrupted.
A tear slid down her cheek. It was true she missed her dad incredibly. But now Ava understood that she was meant to be here—if only for her mother. But was there more? What about Ava? She had to get home to New York and figure it out. That city had built her, and she had to believe it would do it again.
She closed the laptop once more and went into the kitchen. Her mother was awake.
“Good morning,” Martha said, tightening the belt of her bathrobe. “It’s cold, but it’s supposed to warm up.”
“I haven’t been outside yet,” Ava said. “I was in your office, sending a few emails.”
Her mother poured herself a glass of orange juice. “Want to come to the porch with me?”
“Sure.”
They went out front and sat in the rocking chairs. The birds sang in the trees, and the wind that had arrived with thecooler weather tinkled the windchime hanging at the end of the porch.
Her mother yawned. “I’ve been so tired the last few days. I haven’t slept very well at all.”
“How come?”
“Having you home has made me miss your dad. It’s brought me to tears a few times.” She stared out at the tree line. “I toss and turn all night, going over our moments together, wishing he could see the things he’s missing.”
Ava knew her mom had been upset a few times. So that had been the reason.
“Dad could fix everything. He’d know just what to tell us both.”
Her mother nodded.
“Do you think he can see us from where he is?” Ava asked.
Her mother shrugged. “I have no idea. I look around for signs. But I never get a single thing. I’m met with silence.”
Ava rocked in her chair, scanning the trees, the sky, the edge of the property, looking for him. “I wonder if we can get closer to Dad in the chapel down the road. Maybe we’ll feel him.”
“Maybe.”
“Lucas and I are going to church today at ten. Wanna come?”
