Page 62 of The Toymaker
He sucked in a breath. “I-I want to make dolls, and I want to see little kids smile when they receive toys that I couldn’t have as a child because nobody bought me toys, and I only had Dory’s doll after she d-died…”
The rest of the words vanished because he hadn’t meant to mention his little sister, and the tears he’d been trying to hold back finally burst out.
“Do you think customers are going to stick around or come in if you act like that and have no one else to take over the shop?” asked Trig. “You need a lot more time and practice to control yourself better and act more like an adult. What if that physician ever walked into your store, not knowing who owned it, and you had a panic attack?”
Only a few people could cause that response, and the rest were dead now.
“I feel sorry for you when you have a panic attack because I know shit happened to you. At the same time, it’s a bit ridiculous. It’s been years. Get over it. You’re an adult and need better self-control.”
The words were like a slap.
“Once you get over this, you’ll see I’m right. Perhaps you’ll see you need me, and with whatever mental illness you have, you’ll always do better with me and won’t be able to manage life by yourself. You’re not like everyone else, and I don’t see how you even expect to be.”
Riju dragged himself from the chair and hurried into the hall as he swiped at his face. Because Trig would always be right. It would always be what he wanted, and he didn’t care if Riju felt trapped there in the future and didn't get any real independence. Everything he’d been worried about or suspecting lately was true.
Trig didn’t truly respect him, and his words had proved it. Riju might as well have gotten on his hands and knees and barked since he was almost like a pet. Trig would “fix” him the best he could, but he’d never be good enough to live independently and make decisions without factoring Trig into it.
He’d never be good enough as himself.
He slammed his bedroom door shut, got onto his bed, and yanked his weighted blanket around himself. Shivering, he tried to keep his breath from hitching so he could stop crying. He wanted to go downstairs and hug Kit on their pile of cushions once he wasn’t so overwhelmed, but he didn’t want to leave his room either.
Trig would complain too. Riju was being too childish. Blah, blah, blah. The whole time, he’d refuse to see he was the one upsetting Riju because he wouldn’t let him go out and do what most adults did: be independent.
Why couldn’t Trig be the man Riju thought he had for the first few years? He’d seemed perfect back then and not controlling. It was going to be the same thing over the years if Trig had his way. And Riju was supposed to be okay if they got married and knew Trig was fucking another guy, or being fucked by him.
Thank Elira he hadn’t dared to go through with something he’d thought about a few months ago. He’d never do it now. Not with him. Trig didn’t deserve anything else from Riju.
That was why he’d held things back and been leery despite thinking maybe he should give it a chance. Deep down, he’d known things wouldn’t be what he really wanted.
He managed to stop crying and was sniffling when he heard Kit scream from downstairs.
“Master! Master!”
Riju dropped his doll and bolted for the door. The metal squares sewn into his blanket clanked as he let it fall to the floor.Trig was already pounding down the basement stairs when Riju reached them, and he followed.
Kit was on the floor and crying with one leg drawn up.
“What happened?” demanded Trig.
“Master-it-”
“Relax with the title, and try to breathe.”
“It’s my calf! I don’t know why-it cramped really bad.”
A little relief replaced Riju’s panic. It had only been a cramp, and Kit had panicked. He wasn’t truly hurt. Trig cut the rope binding Kit’s wrist and helped him to stand.
“Which calf?”
“My right,” sniffled Kit.
Riju took his arms to steady him. “Try to relax. Don’t tense your leg.”
Kit hung onto Riju who tried to stop his shivering. Even though he’d be okay, he never wanted to hear Kit scream again. Trig crouched and rubbed the back of Kit’s calf.
Kit glanced at Riju. “What’s wrong?”
Riju remembered he probably looked like he’d been crying. “Nothing. I want to make sure you’re alright.”
