Page 43 of Surviving the Merge
Damon walked her through his childhood much the same way Blake did, except he was able to offer more of a firsthand account. He spoke matter-of-factly about what took place and maintained a bored distance from what happened. Almost like it didn’t happen to him personally.
If Julie noticed, her face didn’t give it away. Instead, she guided the conversation where she needed it to move. Savvy in the way she handled Damon. Very different to the way she dealt with Blake.
Julie never used words such as fear, afraid, or worry with Damon. Preferring to opt for versions of those terms that wouldn’t imply weakness on his part. Words like concern and disturb. As in“Whatconcernsyou about these sessions, Damon?” or “What aspect of integrationdisturbsyou most, Damon?” She had him eating out of the palm of her hand.
I learned he was “concerned” that after being gone for so long, Blake had more control than we knew, which could potentially lead to Blake being permanent host and he?Damon?being the alter. He was “disturbed” by the idea that I may not need him as much as I used to. That my love for Blake superseded my love for him. I already knew about that “disturbance.”
I reassured him that my love for them was different but equal. I rested my hand atop of his the same way I would Blake, but Damon switched their positions so that his laid dominant on top of mine. I tossed my eyes and faced Julie, only to find her smirking.
“Our time is up, but if you have no objections, I’d like you to stay a bit longer.” Sensing Damon’s impatience, she rushed on to say, “Only a moment longer. Justin has something he’d like to address, and your medication should be wearing off soon. I’d like to see what happens when that occurs.”
Damon had reached the end of his rope, but one look at my implacable expression and he agreed to stay—if we hurried it along.
Julie gave me the floor. I faced her, not daring to turn in his direction for fear of lashing out. “Several weeks beforethatnight,” I started, and his brows drew together in confusion, then raised to his hairline in comprehension, “I got a text message from you asking me to meet you at your dorm. Still pissed at you for forcing my roommate to request a room change?”
“He wanted you?”
“He was straight,” I said through gritted teeth. He wisely shut up. “I came over anyway, and when I got thereyourformer roommate?who, by the way, was gay and blatantly wanted you?”
“And I got rid of him as soon as you asked?”
“You’re missing the point?”
“Which is?”
“—and it wasn’t as‘soon’as I asked!” I’d turned in my seat, my body leaning toward his, ready to tear him open.
“Okay, gentlemen. New rules.” Julie’s voice cracked through the air like the tail end of a whip, effectively silencing us. “Justin, I need you to relay your story without pauses to insert correlating blame. And Damon, I need you to listen. That’s your only job, for now. We’ll sift through things once everything is on the table.”
We gave our agreement.
“I walk in and find your ex-roommate on his knees, with your prick down his throat and a look of pure drugged bliss on your face. Fast forward, and I’m so far on the edge, I get drunk at a house party and allow some stranger to get me in a position that I couldn’t get out of. One that left me breathing but dead on a black floor.” I stopped to take in some air. “And days later after not speaking, eating, or drinking anything, I finally decide to take my first meal in the form of a bottle of pain pills.” Something inside my chest frayed.
“I woke up in the same hospital bed I was in only days prior, but this time, I don’t have all sorts of instruments and hands up my ass extracting DNA and testing for god knows what. I woke up, still breathing but dead. No matter how bad I didn’t want to bebreathing.”
God, it hurt so bad. I couldn’t sit still any longer, I roughly pushed myself up and went to the window. I placed my palm flat against the pane and allowed the reverberation of the downpour beating against it to placate me.
“It wasn’t me,” Damon said, his voice small.
I turned to find his face darkened by anger. “Don’t lie to me. We can work through this. I’ve already committed to it. First, I need you to acknowledge what you did and to know how much damage it caused. But do not lie to me,” I warned.
“Just... I’m telling you—I didn’t do it.”
Before I could speak, he held up his hands to stop me.
“Before our fight about your roommate, I was coming down with something. Do you remember?” he asked.
I shrugged. “You were getting a cold. So what?”
“The next day, I could barely get out of bed. I had a fever, chills, muscle aches, you name it. Pumping myself full of any and everything I could find in the medicine cabinet. I couldn’t even remember anything half the time when I would come in and out of consciousness.”
I listened to him with a sick, sinking feeling in the pit of me.
“You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. It took a full week for me to be well enough to shower the stink off and leave my room. I tried tracking you down at your campus, but I always seemed to miss you. You either left your class before it was over, or you didn’t show up at all. I couldn’t get into your dorms. I was going crazy.”
I backed up in a daze, bumping into the window, leaning against it for support.
“Finally, I got a visual on you. You left one night dressed like you were going on a date or something. My plan to jump you and haul you kicking and screaming to my place went out the window. I followed you to that party and waited long enough before coming in so you wouldn’t spot me. I watched you have a few drinks, and then I turned my back for a second, and you were gone. I thought you’d left, but when I went outside your car was still there. So I thought maybe you’d left with someone, but after looking around, all the cars that were there when I came were still there. That’s when I started checking the premises and eventually found you in that room.”
