Page 44 of Surviving the Merge
Damon’s nostrils flared, and the arm of the sofa yelped from his brutal hold. Julie sat still, unconsciously spinning her wedding band.
“Think, Just. Do youreallybelieve I’deverlet anyone else touch me? You’re my life. My heart beats because you allow it. You are my reason.” His eyes blazed with fury and fear. An intense fear that obviously overrode anything else, or those sentimental words would have never left his lips. He wanted me to believe the unbelievable.
“It. Wasn’t. Me.” He sat there, now half on and half off Julie’s sofa, fighting both the need and the inability to come closer to me. I’d never seen him so meek.
“So... so wha... what are you saying?” I stammered.Thismust’ve been what dying truly felt like.
“I think you know.”
“No. No. He—he couldn’t do some... something like that back then. You would have known. And... and... besides the technical aspect of it... he’s not... capable of doing something like that. He wouldn’t,” I said with conviction. I waited for him to admit the truth, but he just watched me wearily.
The walls were closing in along the edges of my vision. I folded in half, panting, resting my hands on my knees for support.
Damon attempted to stand, grabbing the sides of his head, moaning in pain.
Julie pressed on his shoulder to keep him seated. “You’re trying to fight him, and the medication makes it nearly impossible. It’s okay. Relax and let it happen. Don’t worry. Justin’s safe here.”
He flopped onto the sofa. His eyes melted from spitting, unadulterated anger, to remorse, pain, and worst of all—guilt.The same guilt I’d been seeing in his gaze for weeks now. The moments of distance and unexplained brooding now all made sense.
“You…?” My blood felt both prickling cold and piping hot as it rushed through my veins.
“Yes. It was me,” Blake said.
“So this is what you’ve been hiding? Why didn’t you tell me? You knew it would come out eventually. Why would you do this? Why did you keep this from me? How…” I trailed off.
Blake inched to the edge of his seat, his hands gripped his knees. He hesitated to stand. He looked lost. “I did it to save you. You were lacking so much because of him. Damon wasn’t good for you. I knew doing this would send you away from me too, but it was a price I was willing to pay.
“He was sick with the flu; I saw my only opportunity. It wasn’t the best plan. I knew Damon wouldn’t allow you to leave. I was counting on you not believing him. Counting on your belief that I wouldn't do something like that.”
He swallowed audibly, and I dropped my stare to my shoes. Because I refused to allow his eyes brimmed with tears, to affect me. I’d never seen Blake cry, and the fact that it had the potential to move me, even now, pissed me off.I should hate him.Why wouldn’t my heart allow me that?
Be patient,I told myself.
“How was I to know it would precipitate your rape? It would have destroyed me as well, if I didn’t need to keep it together for you. As far as me waiting it out since Damon’s return... I didn’t want to lose you.”
“You mean you didn’t want to lose me to him!”
“That’s not true,” he rushed to say. “I always put you first.”
“Do you?” I asked. Against my will, my eyes found his.
He opened and closed his mouth, unable to find his words.
A foggy memory from my hospital bed came back. “It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault...” Blake had chanted those words over and over, but it meant nothing to me at the time. I figured he was blaming himself for not preventing my rape in some way.I’m a fucking fool.
“And then when I made up my mind to start this process, I knew saying something would derail things. Possibly put an end to it. I needed us to get further along—Ihopedwe would get further along before it had to come out. Because what happens in this room means more than merely me and Damon becoming united.
“It means you discovering yourself, taking chances. It means you learning how to live afulllife. If I was to be no more after that, then so be it. At least you would be able to stand against Damon without me.” His tears ran unchecked, and I trembled and burned from the onslaught of emotions: anger, hurt, betrayal, and grief for what we just lost.
“Telling you after the rape was impossible. You tried to kill yourself days later. Damon was losing his mind, unable to control the shift. We were flailing back and forth like fish out of water. In that hospital room, when you opened your eyes and saw me, and then you saw signs that Damon was about to enter, you grabbed my hand and begged me to stay.Me.I felt Damon's devastation. He was so torn. But I got to stay. When was I supposed to tell you what I’d done, Justin?”
“I’ve been fine for years now. You could have told me,” I said.
Blake stood then, with a pleading look on his face and prayer hands pressed to his chin. In reality, we were mere feet apart, but an ocean flowed between us. “No one would’ve benefited from the truth at that point.”
The piercing agony from his revelation felt foreign. Like the tip of a blade entering me from behind. My lover in charge of the push. The betrayal ran bone-deep. The caving of my chest produced shallow breaths. My heart constricted in a vice grip that crushed without mercy.
And while the rain ran parallel to my tears, I thought,I won’t recover from this;I will wither and crumble and die.There would be nothing left of me. I was sure of it.
