Page 26 of Surviving the Merge
Damon followed me into the bathroom, and I’d officially had enough. I wheeled around and hit him. His back met the wall, and pain shot up my wrist. “Fuck you, Damon.” I flexed my hand. “Now leave.”
He righted himself and licked his bloody lip. “Tell me. How did that make you feel?”
With my breathing labored, I couldn’t answer. At least that’s the excuse I gave myself.
“Good, I bet. I’d also bet he never challenges you. That he agrees to your every whim.” He was enjoying himself. “If he’s anything like the Blake I remember, he also lets you top him from the bottom.” He threw a meaningful glance at the bed.
I attempted to hit him again. He dodged and countered, grabbing me by the neck and pinning me to the wall. He pressed his body flush against mine in an effort to ward off further attacks. I went with my only remaining option. I hurt him with words.
“You’re petty, jealous, and scared. But instead of saying that, you resort to being mean. You don’t see that your actions will only push me away. Attacking Blake will get you nowhere, Damon. Look around you. The world kept spinning while you were gone. You’ve got to stop playing offense here. It’s time for change!”
“I want you,” he said, grinding himself into my lower belly.
“Jesus, Damon! I need you to want more than to fuck me.”
“I do want more.” He appeared hurt by my insinuation.
“Tell me,” I snapped.
It took him a while. “I... I want to go to sleep with you every night and... and wake up to you—”
He struggled to continue, and I held my breath.
“I am jealous. He loves you better than I can. It wasn’t an issue when I was the one in charge of spoon-feeding out that love. It was at my will and therefore because of me.” Damon’s gaze began to dart around the bathroom as if searching for something to hold onto. I squeezed tight to his forearms to keep him grounded.
“Go on,” I encouraged.
“Now it’s independent of me. I’m not needed, and it makes me violent.”
His hold on my throat tightened. Elated by his admission, I welcomed the inability to breathe. Thenithappened. The glazed look. The shudder of his lids. “No, not yet.” I squeezed him tighter, but he was already gone.
Blake released me, looking at his hands like they somehow betrayed him by touching me in that way. Taking a step back, he touched his top lip gingerly. His stare held many questions. I allowed the back of my head to hit the wall. “Can we please just go back to bed?”
* * *
We wereat our next appointment with Julie, and I informed her of what happened with Damon. While a tiring ordeal for me and one that left Blake injured, we all agreed that Damon’s admission at the end gave reason for optimism. We also discussed my growing resentment in regard to the part I felt he played in my rape. She confirmed that my bringing it up at that time wouldn't have been a good idea. She again voiced her belief on whose shoulders the burden of blame should settle. At my hard stare, she wisely accepted peace over fighting a battle she would not win. I suspected her compliance would only be temporary. My thoughts on the matter, however, would not be.
“Let’s get him here first. Then we can address the elephant in the room. After we’ve set some ground rules for discussing the topic.”
I glanced over at Blake, only to find him deep in thought. Not surprising. Blake couldn’t handle seeing me in pain. My rape being one of the most painful experiences of my life, it had to feel like reopening a wound every time the point came up. But the air around this subject needed to be cleared.
“Have you had contact with him since that morning, Justin?”
“No. I haven’t gone back to Elite, either.”
“Blake?” she asked.
I nudged him with my knee, shaking him out of his self-absorption.
“Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “What were you saying?”
“Any communication at all with Damon or signs that he may be trying to force a switch?”
“Honestly, at this point he wouldn’t need much force. I haven’t been in fighting form lately. It’s... hard, sometimes. All of this.”
“That’s understandable,” she said.
“I have wondered why he hasn’t, though. It’s not like him to not take advantage of a situation.”
