Page 27 of Surviving the Merge
Sensing that Blake wasn’t in any shape to continue, Julie decided to end things early after doling out our assignments. Blake’s job was to fill the prescription for sleep meds she wrote out.
“Take them for the next two nights. Then stop for two nights. I want you both to keep a journal on how those nights on and off the pills went. I’m interested in both your perspectives on this.”
She explained that with his cognitive senses shut down from the medication, Damon wouldn’t be able to initiate a switch. That knowledge was supposed to put Blake in a less anxious state, which would hopefully ease his worry about falling asleep. He’d been napping on and off at best. His fear of Damon taking over at home again occupied his mind all day and caused fitful slumber at night. He could use the rest that the medication offered.
“Let’s see what happens during your two nights off.” Her lips thinned; she had something to say but seemed indecisive about expressing it. “This is just a theory,” she cautioned, “but my belief is that Damon has been observing since that night. At the very least, if he can’t see what’s going on, he can hear it all. If so, then he is, as you say, taking advantage of your weakness by discerning all that he can. This could be good.”
My brain couldn’t keep up with all the changes. Her focus shifted from Blake to me.
“Maybe he’s simply trying to determine if he can trust what you’ve told him, Justin, about our goal with therapy. Let’s shut him out for a few days and see how he feels about that,” she said.
“If what you say is true, then he can possibly hear this plan you’re laying out. Shouldn’t we be concerned?” I asked, more than a little alarmed.
“Think about it, Justin. If Damon can hear us now, he’ll either make an appearance, which will be to our benefit because it will prove that my theory is correct, and it also gets him in this room. We want that. Or he’ll appear before the pills are taken, which will again prove my theory, and you’ll be able to give him your ultimatum. Or he can’t see or hear anything, and Blake will have a couple nights of much-needed rest. If, in the two days that he’s off, Damon still doesn’t emerge? Then we move on to plan B.”
I wasn’t sure what to tackle first. The ultimatum I was unaware of or the plan B that I was unaware of. I decided to take a page out of Damon’s handbook and go with simply saying, “Explain.”
“Blake, can you give us a moment alone please?” Julie asked.
Blake hesitated a moment but left the room without questioning her request.
“Just a precaution,” she offered to me in explanation.
“Julie, what’s going on here?”
“Taking sex with Damon off the table was a great first step in setting up boundaries in a normally boundary-less relationship. I’m sure it shook up his arrogance a bit, and whether he admits it or not, this is probably the first time he’s ever considered that he could lose you. In the you-walking-away sense of it. We need to keep that momentum going. My question for you is how far are you willing to go?”
At my puzzled expression, she clarified.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do if all this doesn’t work out how you want it to? I’m great at what I do, Justin, but I’m no God. There is always a possibility that medical intervention may not produce the results you want. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to stay and deal with a life of such uncertainty, or if you’re going to walk away.”
I heaved myself off the couch and sought out my safe place.
“Justin, I think you deciding to embark on the journey of self-discovery is an amazing idea. As a therapist and someone who can relate,I’m telling you it’s about time. You are more thanthis,Justin. There is a whole wonderful world waiting out there for you. When you discover that world, you may come to the conclusion that you don’t have to live your life the way you have been.”
With my back to her, I said, “I love them, Julie. Are you telling me to walk away?”
“No. I’m telling you to open yourself up to everything. Don’t limit yourself or hold yourself back because of your love for them.” Her voice turned loving. “There is a light in you. I noticed it right away. Don’t keep it dimmed because you think doing otherwise would be a betrayal to the men you love. I’m sure Blake would agree.” Her statement was met with my silence. “Look at me, Justin.”
I took a long breath and did as asked.
“It’s been a few weeks since you gave up your position at the OBH.”
I nodded.
“What steps have you taken during this time to expand your life?”
I bit my bottom lip, suddenly interested in my shoes. “None.”
“Why not?”
I rubbed at my brow and admitted, “I’m afraid. Afraid I’ll realize I don’t need them to survive. Afraid I might find out that I do. Afraid I’ll come to find that there is nothing out there for me. Or to find there iseverythingout there for me. What if I can’t keep my promise to stay?”
“Everything you just said makes perfect sense. I’d be concerned if you weren’t scared. You need to walk in that fear, Justin. You owe it to yourself. It’s okay to put yourself first. You can love, support, and fight this fight side by side with your husband and still make room for you. You canstay. But I’m telling you, you need to start seeing yourself as more than what you are tothem. You need to be an example for those men. Show them there is more to life. That there is a whole world of experiences out there that they’re missing out on. That they can have it with you if they fight for it.” She sat up straighter with a determined look on her face. Like a captain sending her soldiers off to war.
“So I ask you again. How far are you willing to go?”
“I'll... do what needs to be done. If leaving is ultimately what I need to do to save us all... I’d do it.” I didn’t know if I could. The fright in the pit of my stomach gave off a free-falling sensation. But I understood what she tried to convey. My life mattered too.
