Page 18 of Surviving the Merge
I bent over to obey.
* * *
After coming home,we decided to order in and open a bottle of wine. Sated, we lounged on the sofa, his back to my chest, fire blazing, watching the night fall.
“It’s been forty-eight hours since you took your leave of absence. Any second thoughts?”
I considered his question. “No.” I idly ran my hands up and down his chest.
“Dancing, Damon, and Blake.” And not always in that order. “Dancing isn’t going anywhere. I can always go back to it. Plus, Michael’s a good fill-in for me, so the transition for everyone will be seamless.”
“Was anyone upset at your sudden departure? The big performance is coming up.”
“No, they all said they hated to see me go but wished me luck. It was painless.”
“I’m proud of you. Anything you need from me, you have.”
“I know,” I said, planting a kiss to the side of his neck. “You’re always there for me. Considering my needs before your own.”
He circled in my arms, meeting my gaze. “As I should. If you’re not okay, I’m not okay. Me wanting you happy is actually quite selfish of me if you think about it.”
My mouth turned up at the corners. We both knew it wasn’t true. “Do you ever get tired of being perfect?”
“I’m not perfect, Justin. If you believe nothing else, please, believe that.” Something hid beneath that statement. Or maybe not.
“Let me rephrase the question. Do you ever get tired of being perfect forme?”
“No. Because not protecting you?respectfully, not worshipping your body gently, not putting your feelings first and not supporting your decisions makes me Damon. I don’t know how to be Damon. More importantly, I don’t want to be him. The cost of being him is me losing you. That’s too high a price to pay.”
“Won’t it be great when you don’t have to be one or the other? When you can merely...be.” I hoped he couldn’t feel my heart pick up speed from where he rested on my chest. Would Blake stillbeif integration was a success? How would that look? Julie assured us that while there'd be some changes and adjustments, Blake’s characterizations belonged to Damon. Neither would be lost to me. But I silently feared…
“When?Are you really optimistic that this integration can happen?”
“Aren’t you?” I asked to avoid lying.
“You make me believe anything is possible.” Cupping the side of my face, he asked me somberly, “Promise me something?”
“Anything,” I whispered.
“No matter what happens along the way. Always remember that I loved you fiercely. That there has never been one thing that I’ve done since loving you that I didn’t do with the best of intentions.” He kissed me, taking his time to not leave my heart untouched by it. “Promise you’ll always find your way back to me.”
“I’m never leaving you, Blake. But if it makes you feel better, then yes, I promise.”
* * *
Once again onthe couch in Julie’s office, both Blake and I were a little more at ease than the previous session. Him because she’d appeased some of his initial fears and me because seeing him more relaxed set the tone for my own trepidation.
“So, catch me up on what’s been going on since our last session. You were pretty upset when you left, Justin. Have you spoken to Damon?”
At the end of our last appointment, Julie tasked me with the job of getting Damon on board with integration. “No, not yet. I haven’t quite figured out how to kill him without ending Blake in the process. I can’t see him right now.”
“Justin, I understand your need to confront Damon with your feelings. In fact, I recommend it. But Damon didn’t cause your rape. The fault lies with the perpetrator.”
I wasn’t ready to accept that, if ever, and Julie sensed it.
Moving on, she said. “As long as you know you can’t avoid him forever. He’s essential to this goal, and besides, if you don’t go to him, he will find his way to you.” She looked at Blake to confirm he understood her meaning. He did. We both did. “We’ll need to discusshowhe’ll be informed.”
“I don’t see him being a willing participant,” Blake answered.
