Page 66 of Surviving the Break
He didn’t get it. Did he truly believe my decision came down to us not having a plan to set ourselves and everyone else ablaze? Reasoning with someone like him would never work. He lacked the ability to see beyond what he needed in the moment. “No, Hayden.”
“Why?”
I sat up and held his stare. “Because I told you what would hurt me the most, and you did it perfectly.” I flopped back against my seat, tossing the napkin from my lap onto the table. “You don’t want me. Clearly, you never have. You’re bored, and you’re willing to set fire to everything around you just to watch something burn.” He wasn’t even a worthy opponent for the anger I’d been carrying. Unleashing it on him mirrored kicking a dog while it was down, although he deserved it. I pitied him. “Do you recognize how much pain you’ve inflicted on me? Why, Hayden? What iswrongwith you?” I gritted through clenched teeth. My jaw ached from all the tension. “I loved you completely. I gave you all of me. I built you a home, dammit. Why was it so easy for you to discard me?” I asked, and he shook his head as if he didn't know.
“You dig deep into that treacherous soul of yours right now, and you find the answer. Not wanting to be with a man, or notonlya man, isn’t good enough. Accidentally falling for our surrogate isn’t good enough. I need you to tell me about that ugly thing that has to be fumbling around in your core, the part of you that you’re afraid to face head on. The insidious thing lurking, that allowed you to watch as I went to every doctor's appointment, add each new sonogram photo to the baby book, paint the walls of our child's nursery, build his crib with my own hands.” I held my shaking palms face up above the table. “Engrave sentiments into each piece of wood so we could read over them together as he grew older.” My burst of steam left me depleted. “What would make you allow me to witness the birth of that child, hold him in my arms while I wept my love for him, name him after the man that hung my moon and stars, and then packmyshit and put me out of the home I’d built?” I swallowed as he paled. As those words that I’d never before uttered floated out of me, so did the anger. Like a pressure valve had been released. And I knew, sitting there and watching him scramble to come up with something plausible, that it no longer mattered.Think of all you’ve gained because of him, not all you’ve lost.
“I have a hole in me, Max. Nothing ever fills it. I would think I need to be a lady’s man, but then months of that, and I was still empty. So maybe it’s Max that I need because I feel the most okay when I’m with him…” He rubbed at his eyes.
“But you were still empty,” I said. Then it hit me. “Was Jacklyn the first affair you’d had?”
“Ye—yeah. Yes.” His stutter told me otherwise. I rubbed at my temples.
“You’re incapable of love, Hayden. And it breaks my heart to know Jeremiah will suffer for it.” I could only hope that Jacklyn’s influence would balance the scales.
Jacklyn. I should have hated her, but all I could muster was compassion. She too fell victim to Hayden’s whims, and now she’d be left to pick up the pieces of her life amongst the debris. I knew the feeling.
I expected our meeting to be cathartic. Maybe even an ego boost, knowing that he still wanted me but couldn’t have me. Instead, I’d found it anticlimactic andsad.
“I see you haven’t given him your pearl.” His desperate attempt at trying to imply that that meant something was as transparent and feeble as him.
I touched the gem that dangled right below my clavicle. “I gave him something of more importance,” I said, and he rocked back in his chair as if he’d received a shot to the chest.
I’d heard a line somewhere once that said, “People can only meet you where they’ve met themselves.” Hayden had given me all he was capable of giving. He was deficient in many ways, and until he dealt with himself, he’d never know the joys of love.
“I wish you well, Hayden, and I pray for Jeremiah’s sake that you get your shit together.” I deserved more, and I exited that restaurant rushing to get back to my more.
27
ASH
Max returned to find me still seated in the kitchen. I removed my glasses, resting them next to my laptop while Pluto ran off to greet him at the door.
I got to my feet once he came into the room. We watched each other, and Pluto ran happy circles around him. I searched for visible signs that would indicate what the first words out of his mouth might be. “I made a mistake, Ash. I’m not over him.” Or “He means nothing to me.” He gave nothing away.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“It went well,” he then added, “for me.”
Well, that said a lot. “He tried to get you back. Even though you’re involved with me.” Having experienced Max, I knew firsthand what Hayden so stupidly tossed to the side. I couldn’t blame him for wanting Max back. He would be an idiot not to. I hated him all the same, though.
Max sighed. “Yeah.” He looked down at the paperwork on the table. “Did you manage to get a lot done?”
Really? “Max—”
“I just spent time rehashing a painful past. Poking at old wounds and examining dirty details. I’ll tell you all about it, I swear. Not right now. Right now, I need this...” His kiss could’ve melted chocolate. He took his time. The opposite of our usual frantic pairings. I slipped my arms around his waist, and his went around my back. He led the way, and I followed, allowing the warmth of this intimate moment to stitch the hope that had frayed during his absence. And because I needed something, he pulled back and said, “I’m yours.”
Max gave me a tour of the farm before dinner. We made plans to head back to his parents the following evening, and we booked our flights back to Chadwick for the day after that. Later on that night, Max lay sprawled on his stomach across the bed while I traced the intricate tattoo on his back, listening intently as he filled me in on his conversation with Hayden. I fell asleep secure in what he and I were building together.
Max’s phone vibrated from the bedside table as the morning sun filed through the curtains. He shot a hand out to silence it. I’d been awake for at least an hour at that point, but something prompted me to remain still with my lids shut. He sent a glance over his shoulder at me before slipping out of bed and padding into the living room. “Hayden?” he whispered.
“Are you all right?” I asked later on after observing him stare out the cottage living room window for at least a half hour.
He brought his attention around to the bedroom door where I stood. “No.” He gestured for me to sit on the couch with him. “I received a disturbing call from Hayden this morning, and I’ve been contemplating how to tell you about it. Lying by omission only occurred to me for a split second, and only because I’d do anything to not agitate you further. I see what this has cost you. What the culmination of these past nine months has done to bring you to this point.”
“I understand—”
“No. Don’t do that.” He interrupted. “My pain doesn’t negate yours. I’m not going to brush aside how much my push and pull, how much my past has interfered with our start and our progress since. You’re human. You get to feel.”
