Page 1 of Give a Devil his Due
Helena
Ifailed.
Miserably and absolutely failed, and not just humanity but myself and everyone I love. How’s that for a wake up call? The gray sky permanently scowling in my direction and the jutting remains of the destroyed city of Atlanta reaching for it mock me without regret. Tightening the hold around my knees, I press them harder to my chest like that will lighten the crushing guilt squeezing my lungs and preventing me from taking a full breath. The only good thing that comes from it is that it stops my body from shaking at times like this when the pain is too much to bear.
“You cannot hide here forever, Helena.” Raphael’s voice comes as a murmur from behind me.
Not having a reaction to the sudden sound might come as a surprise to the Archangel, but I know he has been standing there hiding in the shadows for almost an hour. That’s all he has done since we returned from Purgatory. Stalks me like he expects me to fall apart or lose my shit without warning.
“I can try.” A heavy sigh trembles through my numb lips, and I twist my head to look at him over my shoulder. “Might as well join me, Raphael, and speak your peace. We both know Eric will find my hidey hole sooner rather than later. Both of you are proving to be a pain in my ass lately.”
“Maybe if you talk to us, we won’t worry as much about your state of mind.” Rooftiles crack and shift under his boots when he gingerly moves to where I’m perched on top of the safe house. With a wary look around, he lowers his tall frame, his arm brushing mine when he plops down. “It’s not just you who has all of us on edge. Your emotions affect the Trowe, as well. The last thing we need is to lose control of the spirit and him destroying whatever is left of the city.”
It’s been few days since we returned, and I still can’t get over what I found. In the middle of the fight, things didn’t look that bad around me. Stupidly, I thought we would win this war with the jinn if I sacrificed myself. Because that’s what they wanted, wasn’t it? To remove the abomination so things could be balanced. Instead, it turned out I, of all things,amthe balance, and those assholes want chaos to rule so they can seize control of Heaven and Hell.
My breathing sounds too loud in the silence surrounding me and Raphael on the roof. “You don’t need to worry about Narsi or me. We will do whatever is necessary to fix this mess.” My hand flips around, encompassing the destroyed world before our eyes. “All of this is my fault.” Pretending I don’t notice the side-eyed glance he throws my way, I keep my eyes locked on the plumes of smoke cousring up from parts of Atlanta where the hunters are burning whatever bodies they can find.
Not many of the hunters are left standing, either. The ones we can spare are standing guard at the still-open portals in case additional monsters poke their cursed heads out and join their brethren in the human realm in order to erase it from existence. I’d like to blame them for being dumb and guided by their evil, bloodthirsty mindsets, but it’s not like I’m better than them. The fact that if the human realm falls it’ll destroy Heaven and Hell has never stopped me from making idiotic, selfish decisions. Maybe it will be for the best if everything goes to shit and time resets itself. Whatever new humans, angels, and demons are created might make better choices than we ever will.
The faces of those lost float in my mind’s eye, taunting me and souring the taste in my mouth. My best friend—along with the man who raised me as his own child despite what it meant for him with the Order—my other friends succumbing to the jinn, and the demons trying to make a living away from the hatred the Archangels and Archdemons fanned all flicker one face after another until my head spins, and I clutch it between my hands.
“Hel.” Raphael’s hand is a warm and solid weight on my shoulder, pulling me back from the madness I’m drowning in. “Thinking of what could’ve been or should’ve been will change nothing.”
“You mean I shouldn’t feel like the lowest piece of shit for causing the apocalypse?” Laughter bursts from me, cold and unhinged. “I should brush it off all the lives that were lost so I could sit here and watch humanity die off. You are right, we should have a party because I lived.”
Tears burn the back of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Everyone who died does not need me crying. No amount of tears will bring them back or give any meaning to their deaths. I should’ve cried before they were lost. Maybe if I did better, if I made different decisions, they could’ve lived even if I was no longer among them. Too many maybes and not enough tears to absolve me from my sins. Everything in me quieted with Raphael’s next words.
“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.” His fingers move a strand of my hair, tucking it behind my ear when I turn my head to face him. The sad smile on his face burns in my chest like a dagger being twisted there. “Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.”
“Quoting Tagore should make me feel better for all I’ve done?” My snort forms a line between his brows, and for the first time, I see the turmoil brewing in his golden eyes. “We did this Raphael. Well,Idid this, and the rest of you followed in some dumb quest to protect me and keep me alive. For what exactly? How is my life worth more than theirs?”
“My Father has a plan for all of us, Helena. Even when we don’t understand it, it’s best not to fight it. I’m sure things will become clear … eventually.” His pep talk would be more convincing if he didn’t look like he didn’t believe his own words. I was happy to enlighten him on that little fact.
“Like Michael going missing? Let’s not forget Lucifer.” Tapping a finger on my lips, I pretend like I’m thinking about it. “Oh, right. Satanael being chained like a dog or my mother being killed played integral parts in that plan, too. I think I see the bigger picture now. You are absolutely right. There must be a superior plan in the works, and all the humans were just sacrifices in some cosmic ritual for a better future to please the Devine.”
“Hel—”
“You should’ve left me there, Raphael.” His sharp intake of breath should make me to shut up, but it doesn’t. “If it was me they wanted, it would’ve been a worthy sacrifice to save humanity.”
“How dare you spit on everything we have done.” Raphael unfolds to his full height until an Archangel is looming over me instead of the man I know. “We all pay penance for our actions, and all of us have lost too much to give up now. Faith is all some of us have left, and I’ll be damned if I let you take that away by dwelling on memories of how things should’ve been.” Fists clenching at his sides, he leans forward to lock gazes with me. “So stay here and romanticize about what the world would’ve been like if you didn’t exist, but do it fast, Helena. When you are done living in the past, join us to form a plan for the future—one wearing a cloak of reality, not wishy-washy dreams.”
Watching him storm off the roof, I struggle to hold my tears back. With a sigh, I turn to stare at the city, an occasional shout or screech from a dying demon reaching my ears. Raphael is right in everything he said, but I’m not sure I can move on from the memories pressing like a mountain on my chest. If the suffering I inflict on myself doesn’t end, I might be a ticking bomb walking among what’s left of this world, but that brings another question to mind. If I don’t want to look at what’s left in my wake, why am I fighting so hard to be here now? Uninvited, a memory I fight so hard to suppress blooms in my head, and it’s too loud and too vivid to ignore.
“We are the Fates.” Three voices boom, the power behind them dropping me on my knees. “You shall keep the balance of the realms in our name. The Archangel Raphael will be bound to your life. Lucifer’s son will be bound to your heart. If you fail, you will answer to us. Your life will be ours to do as we see fit.”
My shaking hand pushes the hair falling in my eyes, and I grab a fistful of it as my lids squeeze shut. The sting on my scalp grounds me from the whirlwind of pain and guilt threatening to sweep me under and let me drown. I didn’t fight to survive just for myself. It was for Eric and Raphael as well. Another selfish decision on my part, but I can’t find it in me to regret that one. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.Let’s not pretend there is not something else you are trying to avoid, too.A voice in my head sounding an awful lot like my father’s reminds me of things I don’t want to voice, and I suck in a breath.
Pushing off the rooftiles, I stand and face broken Atlanta with a new determination.Your mother lives.Those words, which I had shoved into the deepest corners of my soul, mock me. Maybe there is a way to fix all the wrongs. Zadkiel, after all, is Mercy of God, right? My mother, if – and that is a huge if to hang my hopes on – she is alive, could change things. Right? Raphael said we need faith, so I just have to believe in that.
A plan forms slowly as I crawl inside the safe house, leaving the destruction behind. Too busy to alleviate my guilt, it never dawns on me why Raphael stormed off the roof instead of flying away like he always does when he gets upset. That should’ve told me things were worse than I imagined.
But as always, I missed the clues the fates wave in my face.
Eric
“Have you heard back from Maddison?” My grunt turns the question into something my twin brother can make a mockery of.
“If it’s too heavy, brother, go work with the rest of the humans. Leave the harder stuff for those of us with enhanced strength and speed.” Colt chortles at my glare, while I’m balancing half of a building on my shoulders. “As for our dear cousin, I believe she might be busy making baby demons with Leviathan somewhere on some island. Knowing her, sex is always more important than anything else.”
