Page 195 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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As if cool means hope for his future.

As if cool means a possibility of his family

accepting him the way my mum has.

As if cool means permission to be his full self.

“Yes, I guess she is kinda cool,” I admit.

“Although I asked her to take me

to that exhibition at the British Library

but she wouldn’t take a day off work.”

“Kai, do you know why you get so angry

about not spending more time with your mum?”

Matt asks, before answering his own question:

“It’s because you actually enjoy her company.

I hate spending time with my parents.

I can’t be my real self around them.

Even at that exhibition they were so strict

about the way I had to look at it.

They forced me to look at every case,

read every caption, and watch every video in order.

When I just wanted to move freely around the space

and look at whatever took my interest.

I know that sounds like a minor thing

but when you deep it,

everything’s like that with my parents.

They make things that could be fun feel like a chore.

I remember thinking, ‘I wish I was here with Kai.’

But I didn’t want you to have to suffer my parents.

I thought of suggesting the two of us went together

but my parents ask so many questions

when I wanna go into central London without them.”

Matt stops and smirks at me.

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