Page 180 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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“You’re not in love with him, are you?”

Me denying I was in love with Matt,

even though I knew I was.

Joking with Matt and Mum:

“Absolutely dreamy! Stunning!

Gorgeous! Tens across the board!”

I wasn’t joking, was I?

Matt’s all that and more.

I want to obey my heart, but

my mind has other ideas.

Jyoti said it could be a mistake to make

your romantic partner your everything.

It feels too rushed to say yes

to being boyfriends right away.

Matt looks at me expectantly,

and I know what I have to say.

“Thank you for telling me, but

I need time to think about this.

I don’t wanna rush

into becoming boyfriends.

I don’t wanna risk

losing you as a best friend.”

I think of how casually he touches me;

I think of how safe it feels to be touched by him.

I think of how I “come back” to him

when I get upset or angry.

I think of how different things might be

if we were boyfriends, and it fills me with worry.

“I understand,” Matt says, smiling

but crestfallen, like Jyoti the other day.

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