Page 101 of Love, Just In

‘It’s just sex,’ I say in a small voice. ‘Why does it have to change everything? I’ve loved you for half my life. I refuse to believe that a few hook-ups mean more than all the years we’ve spent together.’

‘Hook-ups?’ He gapes at me before his face tilts up to the ceiling. ‘Is that what this was to you?’

I mutter a sound of frustration. ‘Of course not. But we have to think about this like grown-ups. I’m moving back to Sydney soon. You’re about to start a new job in Newcastle. What exactly are we meant to do with that?’

Every part of him tightens, and the excruciating silence rolls back in.

When he speaks, his voice comes out throttled. ‘You can’t just take my love and play with it. I’m not a toy to have a bit of fun with, then stick back on the shelf.’

A long, thick breath leaves my throat. ‘You’re taking me all wrong. I’m only trying to talk this out and be realistic. Like I said, we’re not two people who just met. There are big feelings involved here, which is part of the problem. When you already love someone so much, it can become … confusing. That’s what got us into this situation. I love you, you love me; I find you attractive, you find me attractive, but does that mean we should be putting that before fourteen years of friendship? Whenwe already know we’re going to be living in different cities soon?’

‘I’m not confused, Josie.’ His eyes sting with hurt. ‘But you clearly are. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to push so hard.’ He heaves a sigh and rakes his fingers through his hair. ‘You know what? It’s all good. You can consider yourself off the hook.’

My brow rumples as I give him a hard stare. ‘Off the hook?’

He gazes at me, his eyes watering. ‘You’re right. Therearebig feelings involved here. At least for me. So, if you’re not one hundred per cent sure about me in that way, then we’re better off stopping right now. I know I’ve never been your idea of the perfect guy, or the right marriage material, or whatever the hell. But I need to be enough. I deserve to be enough. And right now, you’re clearly not sure about this, so I’m sorry, but I can’t be here.’

His stool scrapes the floorboards as he gets up, and my heart pushes painfully against my ribs.Good fucking work, Josie.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I say in a choked voice.

‘It’s OK,’ he says, brushing the heel of his hand over his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, too. I’ve probably said too much. And I really do want to be your friend right now, especially with the health stuff you’ve got going on.’ His voice slips. ‘But I need a bit of time, OK?’

Tears wobble in my vision as a feeling of loss upon loss washes over me. I don’t want to upset Zac. I don’t want to go through my tests alone. I don’t want to havebreast cancer. I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t want my parents to be in Thailand. I don’t want any of this. I don’t even know how I got here.

He sighs at the look on my face. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right; we shouldn’t have jumped off the cliff. Not without thinking it through properly first. I can see that now.’ I just nod at him through my sniffles until he backs up a step. ‘I’m going to go stay at Ross’s place for a bit.’

My face falls.

‘It’s OK,’ he says softly. ‘He’s got a spare room, and he loves the dog, and I know he and Holly won’t mind. I’ll stay there until you go back to Sydney, OK?’ A sheen of tears glimmers in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, but I just can’t be around you right now. I want more, and that’s not good for me. You’re right that I’ve just started feeling okay again in my life, and … I think it’s a good idea that we both take some time to think.’

My tears swell up. ‘But this isyourhouse; there’s no way.’ If only I could ask Lola if I could stay at her place while she’s away, but her brother’s already house-sitting. ‘I’ll go back to the serviced apartment,’ I say.

Zac shakes his head. ‘That’ll be way too expensive. No, it’s fine. I’ll go to Ross’s. Please don’t feel bad.’

I turn my tear-stained face away from him, my mind flying back to when Zac picked me up at that train station in Hamilton. He looked so well, so settled. He’d been dating a local girl and was finally on track to rebuilding a contented life. Then Josie the Bulldozer arrived, messing it all up.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ I murmur, my palms pressed to the ache in my chest. ‘I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I just want you to be happy. I love you so much.’

Zac rushes forward, folding his arms around me and pulling me into him. I cry into his chest, making silent pleas to go back in time so that none of this ever happened. How far back would I go? To before I arrived in Newcastle? To before the car accident? To that university bar where we’d struck that marriage deal right before he met Tara? To the day he stood over me on a train station bench outside our high school and asked me to be his girl?

I lift my face, finding his eyes brimming with emotion, before his gaze dips to my mouth. He slowly lowers his face, the sweet heat of his breath fanning over my lips, and I breathe out a sigh. But then he presses his lips tightly together and steps back from me.

‘I’ll see you later, sunbeam,’ he says, and my eyes fill up again.

I want to beg him to stay, but I can’t. Taking time to think is clearly the right decision. This is the smart thing to do.

‘I’ll see you soon,’ I force out.

He drills one last look into my eyes before turning towards his bedroom, the truth punching me in the gut.

When I get home, Zac will be gone.

CHAPTER 37

Two years ago

ME:Hey, how’s it going? I’ve tried calling you a few times, but you haven’t answered.

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